Do you just know?
Twice I have felt like that, well maybe three times - one when I was 15, didn't get over him for about 15 years despite never even going out with him! But am over now of course. Two, when I was 18 and we did go out for about 3 years, but all that time Iw as constantly questioning whether I really did love him and sadly felt I probably didn't but it was a special connection iyswim, admired him a lot etc. The main problem was in me and feeling I wasn't any good.
Three, I fell absolutely hook, line and sinker for that one, felt every breath I took was his, every time he was hurt I cried, would ditch all other plans to see him... that kind of 'love'. Boy did I learn from that, needless to say it went terribly wrong and I am just about over him but knew all along he wasn't very moral and he was never committed to me because he was committed to someone else Big big mistake, never again, lifelong guilt etc.
I've had my friend round here this morning, who keeps saying he loves me. I feel 'meh' when he says this...I want to ask 'why' as I don't understand why anyone would, assume he wants something from the relationship but for him he seems to want to be submissive and at my beck and call. Trouble is this makes me suspicious, makes me feel bad that I am 'in charge' as I don't feel like I love him.
He normally lives about 200 miles away and we talk on the phone, he says things that make me sit up and fill with respect for him - really insightful and clever things, we get on Ok. Other times he giggles like a little boy and it really annoys me, like he is stuck at 8 years old and never grown up.
He's told me he drinks too much at times, which makes me nervous in case he has a problem with it. He has a history of self harm but doesn't do it any more - he is my age.
I keep thinking that if he is in a position where he is following my lead on everything, that would then give him the right to be angry with me somehow. He seems to have had this pattern with other girls he's liked, ie turning up with gifts and getting them every little thing they want, then being fed up when they don't say thankyou.
To me that is asking for it!
I really would like to talk about him with his friends/our mutual friends (not more than a few) but don't really have much contact with them. I am worried in case he talks about me behind my back in a less than happy way, or something - he does seem to gossip about everyone he knows.
He is lovely with my kids, they adore him, he's tall, dark, silly at times, and likes good films etc. the same as me.
But I feel so strange about it. Half of me is saying, 'yes you fool, go for it' but then the other half is indifferent and wonders why he hasn't actually settled down already.
He had a long term girlfriend some years ago and they lived together but drifted I think...no big horrid break up or anything.
I'm not comfortable being 'worshipped' but then I have ahd no serious offers from anyone else and wonder if he would actually really suit me.
Argh.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do you know when you love someone?
Frrrightattendant · 28/10/2009 17:03
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