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How do you know when you love someone?

(24 Posts)
Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 17:03:15

Do you just know?

Twice I have felt like that, well maybe three times - one when I was 15, didn't get over him for about 15 years despite never even going out with him! But am over now of course. Two, when I was 18 and we did go out for about 3 years, but all that time Iw as constantly questioning whether I really did love him and sadly felt I probably didn't sad but it was a special connection iyswim, admired him a lot etc. The main problem was in me and feeling I wasn't any good.
Three, I fell absolutely hook, line and sinker for that one, felt every breath I took was his, every time he was hurt I cried, would ditch all other plans to see him... that kind of 'love'. Boy did I learn from that, needless to say it went terribly wrong and I am just about over him but knew all along he wasn't very moral and he was never committed to me because he was committed to someone else sad Big big mistake, never again, lifelong guilt etc.

I've had my friend round here this morning, who keeps saying he loves me. I feel 'meh' when he says this...I want to ask 'why' as I don't understand why anyone would, assume he wants something from the relationship but for him he seems to want to be submissive and at my beck and call. Trouble is this makes me suspicious, makes me feel bad that I am 'in charge' as I don't feel like I love him.
He normally lives about 200 miles away and we talk on the phone, he says things that make me sit up and fill with respect for him - really insightful and clever things, we get on Ok. Other times he giggles like a little boy and it really annoys me, like he is stuck at 8 years old and never grown up.

He's told me he drinks too much at times, which makes me nervous in case he has a problem with it. He has a history of self harm but doesn't do it any more - he is my age.
I keep thinking that if he is in a position where he is following my lead on everything, that would then give him the right to be angry with me somehow. He seems to have had this pattern with other girls he's liked, ie turning up with gifts and getting them every little thing they want, then being fed up when they don't say thankyou.
To me that is asking for it!
I really would like to talk about him with his friends/our mutual friends (not more than a few) but don't really have much contact with them. I am worried in case he talks about me behind my back in a less than happy way, or something - he does seem to gossip about everyone he knows.

He is lovely with my kids, they adore him, he's tall, dark, silly at times, and likes good films etc. the same as me.

But I feel so strange about it. Half of me is saying, 'yes you fool, go for it' but then the other half is indifferent and wonders why he hasn't actually settled down already.

He had a long term girlfriend some years ago and they lived together but drifted I big horrid break up or anything.

I'm not comfortable being 'worshipped' but then I have ahd no serious offers from anyone else and wonder if he would actually really suit me.


FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Wed 28-Oct-09 17:26:21

Sounds like a tricky situation, when you love someone you accept them, inside out, faults and all, you want to be with them, you want to make their life better and share things with them, you don't see them as a weight around your neck, there's a connection and you have alot in common, there needs to be mutual respect.

It's down to you what you do, the right person will come along though, I wouldn't settle for someone that I didn't really want to be with, especially if there's no connection there.

Thankyou for writing this post, you made my penny drop. wink

Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 17:36:35

Oh cripes, well I probably ought to have my own epiphany really oughtn't I!!!

Thanks. You do make sense. I suppose I am so dim when it comes to what is a good relationship and what isn't that I don't trust my own I would probably be happier and more excited about a bloke who was set to mess me about iyswim.

I don't have a CLUE whether I should be with this one or not!

When I asked him why he loves me he said (after a few minutes' thought) that I was (quote!) beautiful, sexy, and he likes the relationship, he says nobody else is doing it this way, where you are always in a state of suspended sexual animation!!!

ha ha
we have never slept together. When he turned up at the door yesterday I instinctively ran to him, hugged him, felt relieved, and safe, and veyr happy.

But then I get sort of numb about it. I suppose part of my brain stops functioning because of the situation, ie someone is in my house and says he loves me and ARGHHHHHHH what do I do! In other words I panic.

Then I gradually get fed up with him being there and feel like i need to do my usual stuff and he is needing attention or something, and I am being really antisocial if I do my 'work' or whatever and would rather he just went.

It strikes me he might not mind just hanging about, but I worry about it and as I hate being sociable I feel better when he ahs gone. He is very unobtrusive though. I just don't want to talk/interact much.

Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 17:40:12

Do people get used to having a bloke in their house? Do they?

It is the feeling I can't just be 'me', I need to do things for hIM or i owe him something or, I dunno - maybe I ought to want to do things with/for him. Maybe that is how you know. But the children fill up my brain, when there is space in it, and I have a hard enough time catering for them tbh.

I like the feeling of safety when he is here, I feel warm and happy and cosy. But then what on earth does he get from that. He says a lot, but I don't believe him! Shoudl I prefer him to my children? should I want him to come first? Crave an hour without the kids so we could sleep together? Because I don't.

BCNSback Wed 28-Oct-09 17:43:07

Is he the person that you can't bear to think of the rest of your life without?
the person who you think of first to tell when somethink good or bad happens?

Is he the person that makes you feel you could achieve anything you want in the world?

Is he the person that you don't question whether you in love with?

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Wed 28-Oct-09 17:46:18

Sounds like a lust relationship for him rather then something supportive and caring. It's interesting how you reacted to him turning up though. I think you do get use to someone being in your house, if it's the right person that is. He should accept you for being you and not pressure you, your children always come first and he should know that, he's just an added extra who should fit in with you and your children.

Mine's just a friend, sadly, or so he says sad Time will tell hey.

Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 17:50:03

Naw. Probably no to most of those tbh sad

But then I have never let myself get attached to him before. Known him 20 years.

I have always known he would be there and therfore it put me in a position whereby if I said 'yes' that would be it iyswim. So have been v careful never to let it get that far, because at the end of the day I just don't feel I do 'know'.

I get on fine when he is not here for months on end, but I am relieved when he comes to visit.

I don't feel I could achieve anything I want, but then nobody has ever made me feel that way as it isn't very realistic!! smile

I tell him stuff and sometimes he reacts how I want, sometimes not...but I usually tell my mum if it's bad, my best friend (female)if it's good, or no one.

I do question whether I am in love with him, yes. But I don't trust my feeling because when I felt in love, I was being used, had no self respect and put up with a lot of rubbish. Plus he was committed.

Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 17:50:18

sorry thatw as to bcns!

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Wed 28-Oct-09 17:54:08

sorry, I'm still fluffybunny, I just name changed. Like it?

It's down to you, you can either give it a shot and see how it works out or not. I see it as life's too short though to wonder what if.

Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 17:54:40

Fluffy sad sorry you are in that situation.

Yes he does have the lust bit going on but he is supportive (usually) and very caring. He'd do anything for me or so he says. It makes me feel on a bit of a pedestal which I don't like much, I like to be the supportive useful one behind the scenes. Not some diva issuing orders!! But then I am quite a control freak and like being in charge of the kids, it makes me feel useful and sometimes efficient hmm

He knows they come first, I think...but I worry he would get frustrated. He has no children, always brings mine presents, they love him.

But don't know if I do.
Fluffy I hope you have some progress soon x

poshsinglemum Wed 28-Oct-09 17:55:51

Can you be yourself with him?

I have had an epiphany too. In the past I have been frightened to be myself around men I really like. If you feel like you can be yourself and not feel judged you might be onto something.

TBH- I do think that love grows. If you really don't fancy him though best not to lead him on. Have you been really hurt recently because you sound scared tbh?

sincitylover Wed 28-Oct-09 20:03:00

I think the fact you feel the need to give reasons why you should love him and sort of justifying why - means that you probably don't.

I personally think that you just know when you love someone.

Frrrightattendant Thu 29-Oct-09 06:20:34

Thankyou both...I justw anted to sya I have read your posts but can't concentrate to think enough to answer with this weird format! I will be back on later to see if TECH has sorted it out >hard stare<

lilacclaire Thu 29-Oct-09 07:49:41

Just imagine the scene........

You finally say yes and agree to be in a relationship with him, he then starts giggling like a would regret it there and then.

Frrrightattendant Thu 29-Oct-09 08:55:05

Yes I do need him to cease giggling in order to consider him at all.

lilacclaire Thu 29-Oct-09 14:29:24

If you find it annoying just now.........

Don't do it!

Frrrightattendant Thu 29-Oct-09 14:35:28


Doesn't everyone have one thing they find annoying about their husband though?

Where do you draw the line?

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Thu 29-Oct-09 16:22:18

It depends on whether you can live with their annoying thing. wink

Frrrightattendant Thu 29-Oct-09 19:34:46

I think I probably can actually.

I texted him a little while ago saying can we leave tonight, as the ds's are playing up and I am feeling ugly. He said you're not ugly, but yes of course that's fine.

Filled me with some kind of nice feeling, the way he said it.
he's lovely.

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Thu 29-Oct-09 22:18:46

My 'friend' is instent on being there for me (as a close friend), really getting close to me (as a close friend), supporting me (as a close friend), no different to being in a relationship hey hmm ARGH!!

Frrrightattendant Fri 30-Oct-09 06:09:59

Blimey, yes that sounds like it could be hard work!

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Fri 30-Oct-09 18:01:43

Yes, really hard work. He said last night that he was either a close friend or an aquaintance who just says hello and has small chit chat, no meeting up, no cinema etc. ARGH!!

How's things Frright? Have you decided what to do?

Frrrightattendant Fri 30-Oct-09 18:40:51

Hello Fluffy, not great but thanks for asking! Now feel guilty because I don't want to get involved, and have got to let him down.

He's used to it but still...

sorry you are having trouble. Fwiw I don't think yours is being very kind to you making all these conditions. It sounds a bit...erm..controlling, maybe?

I suppose some blokes are just worried about being seen to be committed or something sad

I hope you find a way to talk about what you want.

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Fri 30-Oct-09 20:54:32

Don't feel guilty, it will give him the chance to find someone who's right for him, you are doing him a favour.

He does sound controlling but when I think about it, I have better 'friends' on here then I do in real life, at least it's someone who wants to be there for me, maybe it's what I need. I have nothing to loose, I used to spend every night on here, people on here know more about me then my friends and family, this isn't right.

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