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So... how do you cope with a boyfriend who is on the rebound?

(15 Posts)
Parsleypants Wed 28-Oct-09 10:16:22

I know there are many many people on this site with much more serious problems, but this is gnawing at me so if anyone could spare a minute, I would be super grateful!

Have been seeing boyfriend for three months now. All is good, we spend weekends together when we don't have our children (he has 3 under 10, I have one 8 yo ds). Try to see one another in the week, which doesn't always work out as we both have demanding jobs. Have met his family, mother, sister, BIL, nephews etc - have only met his youngest girl while the other two were at a party. We have spoken about the future, have told one another we love one another - he said it first. Sex great, yada yada.

I am trying to keep this brief. When we met he told me he had separated from his partner at beginning of year. It has emerged she actually left in April. He thought things weren't working because of his work (own business, long hours, all consuming) and I think for a while that he hoped they could sort things out, but it emerged in the same week we met that she was having an affair. The split is now very acrimonious.

The more time goes on, I think he is on the rebound. He says he doesn't love her, he hates her (not healthy either, and we all know about the thin line right?). He is a great dad and misses his children desperately. He so looks forward to having them, then is very low when they go on Sunday evening.

I love this man and I don't want to lose him. On the other hand I don't want to help him over this just to be dumped on the other side when he is all perky again! He told me this morning that he has had two dreams over past 2 nights about ex and kids and having to separate from them. He also said this morning on the phone "I have nothing to look forward to". I think he is depressed and understand that completely BUT I must confess that part of me is thinking "so wtf am I - chopped liver?"

How on earth do I protect myself while stil supporting him? I can't walk away because I think I am the main person he talks to and I can't abandon him as well.

My best friend says I should "speculate to accumulate" wink and hang on in there, but can a relationship ever work where it starts in these circumstances? Truth be told, I am a bit angry with him for starting something, as I can only foresee catastrophe! I am amicably (these days!) divorced, but have encountered more than my fair share of tossers whilst dating over the past 3 years. I don't think he's a tosser but I am wary.

Thank you for reading!

Martha1 Wed 28-Oct-09 14:42:02

I can understand how you feel - I got together with my partner 3 days after his wife moved out!! He also claims to hate her but I have similar worries to your own about the thin line between love and hate!

Parsleypants Wed 28-Oct-09 16:22:50

Bloody hell Martha - how long have you been together if you don't mind me asking? I keep humming that bloomin' song about the think line between love and hate now... who sang that?

Martha1 Wed 28-Oct-09 16:42:15

Lol not sure bout that song!!

I have been with him nearly 6 months and have been living with him for 3 months!! It was a bit of a whirlwind!!

His relationship with his ex wife is awful - always fighting and she's constantly sending him abusive texts. I worry that if he thought nothing of her he'd just ignore her but he doesn't, he keeps bein nice thinking that one day she'll start being reasonable and normal!

Its been hard but like you with the speculate to accumulate comment - I think he's worth hanging on in there for!! Hopefully everything will calm down in time

KatieScarlett2833 Wed 28-Oct-09 16:53:47

Chrissie Hynde

RealityBites Wed 28-Oct-09 17:04:24

Message withdrawn

SolidGhoulBrass Wed 28-Oct-09 17:41:17

He sounds lovely: not! FFS after three months he;s got you thinking that you have some kind of moral duty to look after him and suck his dick when he feels so inclined while he weeps and wails about his XP, just because he's told you he 'lovesyou'? Pull back, get on with your own life, there are better ways to spend your time than being nuary/mummy to a Wailing Willy.
You matter too, you know. Cut your losses and leave him to his therapist.

EcoMouse Wed 28-Oct-09 17:49:34

Exactly what SGB said (laughing at the apt terminology).

Parsleypants Wed 28-Oct-09 17:55:15

That would be the thin line, not the think line!

Martha, maybe he is taking the moral high ground with his ex - ignoring her isn't going to help improve the situation - I'd be more worried if he were being equally nasty back. I hope it works out for you smile

Thank you for naming that tune Katie!

Thanks for your thoughts Reality, I am inclined to agree that it is similar to your first scenario.

SGB - I was hoping you would mosey along. I don't post on here very often, primarily in the holidays as I am a teacher and virtually have to make an appointment with myself to have a poo in term time, never mind anything else. However, I HAVE observed from seeing your posts that you speak sense! I agree that I need to pull back.


welshdeb Thu 29-Oct-09 08:26:28

Tanita tikarum ( sp?)

Parsleypants Thu 29-Oct-09 10:18:51

Maybe her as well welshdeb, that does ring a bell, I'm sure many people have sung about it!

ABitHaloweenBatty Thu 29-Oct-09 10:26:04

I went out with someone who was on the rebound from his ex, who he had two children with. I was eaten up by jealousy and got fed up of the wailing and crying, in the end he stayed out one night had cheated on me with her and that was that. A total waste of time (18mo)it all turned out to be!

glittery Thu 29-Oct-09 10:27:54

Tanita Tikaram's song was called Good Tradition (of love and hate) IIRC?

picmaestress Thu 29-Oct-09 12:01:02

Ooh, way too soon! He's got a loooong way to go if they only split 6 months ago.

I'd back off sharpish tbh. If you do really love each other properly you can get together in a year or so.

Oh, and it's balls to think you'd be 'abandoning' him. Blokes don't feel/think like that.

I wouldn't put up with this. I'd be seriously fucked off about the 'I've got nothing to look forward to'! hmm

motherlovebone Thu 29-Oct-09 12:03:12

you deserve more.

SGB talks sense.

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