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So. I told him I wanted a divorce today.

(54 Posts)
abrandnewstart Tue 27-Oct-09 16:48:50

Tell me I am doing the right thing

Ten months post seperation.

Have tried to talk and ask where it's going.

I've told him I'm not going through all this again, just to be hurt and find out theres someone else (he assures me he's not). I've told him that I'm not spending anymore time doing this - he either wants to get back together or not, not stay in this separated limbo.

He goes on about how miserable he was, how he thinks being separated is for the best, how he needs his time (we've had 3 years of this, been married for 8, all the while I'm bringing up our child, and he's been off doing all his courses and hobbies, out with his mates and leaving me to be responsible).

So I ask him if he's happy and he says no. So I ask him what he's going to do about it, he says nothing.

So I tell him I want a divorce. He looks shocked and upset. He acts like he can't believe it?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?

I can't go through it anymore I feel so awful. tell me I'm doing the right thing.

I was made to feel like it was all my fault (it wasn't) that I made him miserable, my beliefs mad him miserable, he'd missed out on life, he didn't do all he wanted to do blah blah blah.

Help my head is a mess! Give me strength! Is it me or is it strange?

He makes me feel so confused! He is not a horrible guy, but a very very mixed up one and I cant go through it anymore.

DuelingFANGo Tue 27-Oct-09 16:56:03

he probably knows that you can be manipulated and doesn't believe your ultimatum. I think you just have to do an actions speak louder than words thing and put the divorce ball in motion.

It shouldn't really be about if he is happy. Are you?

abrandnewstart Tue 27-Oct-09 17:00:13

no not happy at all

spent 3 years since LO was born, left out, he admitted today he didn't treat me right, because he resented me and all the infringements/restrictions on his life (what the....?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?)

I've spent a long long time blaming myself and feeling responsible but now realising that it wasn't my fault at all, in fact, I was quite normal.

I've been to the edge and back. He's been off pleasing himself, going abroad for an extended period, left me doing it all.

He's not neglectful in providing materially for his child but emotionally to me, he is immature.

He doesnt see why I should care if he's seeing someone else, (he's not) but I've told him before that would end it all.

benjysmum Tue 27-Oct-09 17:03:07

He doesn't sound mixed up to me, he sounds perfectly happy with the status quo.

You're looking after the kids while he carries on with his life.

He reckons being separated which means he carries on with his life while you don't is "for the best", of course it is, it's best for him.

Do you want to drift along in this situation for the next 10 years? Cos that's the way it's going.

missingtheaction Tue 27-Oct-09 17:08:06

Why is this all about what he wants?

Presumably you would like to get back together but with him changed. Well I think we can all see that isn't going to happen.

So you can get back together and it carries on like before. You don't want that.

So you want a divorce.

All seems very clear to me.

Maybe you want it to be his decision - it certainly would make life easier for you. But do you really think he's going to take responsibility for that kind of decision when he doesn't seem to be able to take responsibility for anything else?

No, so, I'm afraid I can't see any other path for you than this.

JugularPiggy Tue 27-Oct-09 17:08:36

your are 100% doing the right thing

you are not responsible for his happiness or lack of it

through starting this process you are taking back control of your own future, happiness and well being which he seems quite happy to rob you of by leaving you in limbo while he enjoys the perks of a single life.

DH and i went through a very bad patch. He was miserable I was in limbo. It all changed when i realised that i was worth more and would cope perfectly well alone. he was literally shock when i stood my ground.

luckily this was the kick up the backside he needed and he joined me at relate. however it takes both of you to make that commitment, if he is unwilling after all this time then move on.

I now know that I can do this with or without DH. someone posted on here once that a relationship should be life enhancing if its not then its not worthwhile, that is exactly how i feel now. Yes we have our ups and downs but we support each other through this.

you certainly should not be feeling awful with the one person you are choosing to share your life with.

good luck and stay strong x

abrandnewstart Tue 27-Oct-09 17:38:59

I know, I can't believe how much he's screwed my head up.

Thank you for your comments keep them coming they are making me stronger by knowing I'm not the only one.

I used to question myself thinking "am I going mad" "is this me" and spent a lot of time trying to change my thinking, even goinng so far as trying to see everything from his way of thinking and ignoring how I felt.

CAn;t believe he was so shocked.

Now I've got to keep on with it? What do I do now? how do I get legal aid?

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 27-Oct-09 17:46:38

OFFS you poor girl! What this knobber wants is for you to raise his children and be his fallback position ie he can do what he wants but whenever he feels the need for a home-cooked meal, his laundry done, or his cock sucked, he can turn up on the doorstep saying he's 'been thinking' and watch you jump through hoops.
You are so doing the right thing in divorcing him, someone will be along in a minute with good sound practical advice I', sure.

abrandnewstart Tue 27-Oct-09 17:49:33

Thanks Solid - I always love the way you post grin

I know this is going to be a long long road back to me, or whoever I am now, but I know I can do it somehow.

It's really not worth the months of crippling anxiety and depression I've been through

MmeGoblindt Tue 27-Oct-09 17:54:59

I agree with SGB, although I would not have put it quite that way.

He sounds like an immature, irresponsible knob.

How old is he?

He is quite happy to have you there in the background. He can come back to you when he feels like playing the family man.

He is manipulating your feelings.

Don't feel guilty, it is not your fault that he is an utter wanker.

Earthstar Tue 27-Oct-09 18:00:11

Blimey - he is a child and you absolutely need to move on - and tbh I don't think you have any choice.

He would happily go on separated and yet not divorced but how is this any good for you?

He has had plenty of time to take up his responsibilities but he doesn't want to. And not only this he doesn't want to take any responsibility for the relationship break up. What a suprise! You will feel happier once the divorce comes through I am sure, and I also think that the anxiety and depression will ease up. You should congratulate yourself for being a mother for 3 years with very little support and don't give him the power to make you feel bad or guilty in any way.


Earthstar Tue 27-Oct-09 18:03:35

Also well done for telling him you want a divorce. Now stick to it.

He thinks he can have relationships with other women and you will still be there for him - don't be that person.

MillyMaisMummy Tue 27-Oct-09 18:06:48

You are 100% doing the right thing.I know i dont know you but from what ive read your obviously not happy and you dont desevre to go on being unhappy.I agree with Earthstar well done for being a mum for 3 years wit no support.My mum and dad were splitting up constantly and then getting back together all the time and it effected me in a large way.I was 21 by the time they finally got divorce and now my dad and i dont speak. You deserve happiness and to be able to move on and be able to know where you stand. Depression is a horrible thing but once you know where you stand it will ease up.I send you all the love and luck in the world and hope the situation gets easier for you xxx

abrandnewstart Tue 27-Oct-09 18:24:51

Thanks. Just saw him now and he's looking at me all strange and I have no idea what that's all about!

I feel slightly elated that I'm not going to put up with it anymore.

Its on my terms now.

I'm just so hurt

But fgs he was the one who made me feel awful by sulking around and being miserable and moody with me (his reasoning because he was unhappy and trapped)! And I had a newborn to deal with as well as that. It really affected the way I bonded with my LO because I was so depressed by it all and all the while suffering with this underlying anxiety.

Earthstar Tue 27-Oct-09 18:47:18

Your dh wasn't the one hard done by here - it was you and your LO. this bloke should have been supporting you in bringing up your LO but he has been undermining you instead.

iliketurquoise Tue 27-Oct-09 18:59:33

did you go to a relate counsellor abrandnewstart?
all the things you say looks like he is manipulating you, but you yourself aren't sure.
as far as i understand you gave him enough time of your life.
but listen to a professional if you want to.

abrandnewstart Tue 27-Oct-09 20:48:30

Did that, went to relate for a few sessions but it fizzled out - the counsellor wasn't that great for us TBH, not the right person.

Ended up going to his counsellor who was a disaster - ended up listening alot about the parallels between his personal life and ours and why should I be annoyed that my H has decided that he wants to go off travelling on his own?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Made me feel totally totally rubbish!

I've just had it. There's no reasoning at all - he acts like he doesn't want to have his child bought up by another man (ie if I met someone else), but does nothing to stop that from happening, I asked him if he'd be hurt if I slept with someone else and he said he would, but "that's life"......angry

It's like reasoning with a toddler.

Earthstar Tue 27-Oct-09 20:57:28

His vision of the future is that you will both sleep with other people. Make it your vision too.

abrandnewstart Thu 29-Oct-09 07:44:48

I feel terrible today.

I don't know what else I could have done but I hated making that decision and I hated him almost making me make it.

I feel awful

My whole family were telling me not to put up with it and they never ever get involved in anything personal like that. Now I feel as if perhaps I was listening too much to them? But what could I have done? Stayed and been made to feel in limbo, unhappy and miserable?

Its strange. He text me yesterday and I didn't reply, text me in the evening and I had to call him back about something and he almost seems sad!

abrandnewstart Thu 29-Oct-09 08:23:01


pandaiis Thu 29-Oct-09 08:53:52

That's the point though. He has forced you into making that decision because he doesn't have the balls to do it himself. Then he can feel blameless in his own mind.

My soon to be ex p is the same. I've had years of listening to bullshit about how he feels trapped, can't realise his dreams now etc etc all the time while he disappears for weekends at a time leaving me to look after ds and I take ds away on holidays without dp to give him his 'space' he desires so much. Me being supportive and agreeing if he wanted to downgrade the house so he could do that year long course abroad. It's just never enough though.

Makes me miserable until finally I've had enough and want to go. I know in my heart he's been pushing me to it just so he can play the whole 'poor me' card. We've spoken about splitting before and it's always been 'whatever you think/want' like I'm the only one to make the decision.

Be strong woman, you are doing the right thing. Do you really want to go back to an unhappy relationship?

abrandnewstart Thu 29-Oct-09 09:16:25

No I don't.

I think I just became conditioned to accept treatment (whether it was intentional or not by him, I mean he is completely screwed up) and completely ignore my feelings and bottle them up.

Sounds like your ex-p is similiar to mine. The grass IS always greener in their minds!

To top it off the best comment I heard was "if we get back together then I will just have to accept things and accept you won't do things and compromise and I don't want to". I think he has real problems with the concept of compromising and acceptance in relationships!

I'm fighting the urge to text him! Help me!

missingthepumpkin Thu 29-Oct-09 09:32:17


keep the vision of your lovely life ahead of you

remember you said 'I feel slightly elated that I'm not going to put up with it anymore.'

Keep moving forwards.

pandaiis Thu 29-Oct-09 09:35:52

Turn the phone off for the day.

That statement says it all really. If he doesn't want to compromise, it's because he's selfish. There has to be give and take with every partnership.

Yes the grass is always greener and there's always something to stop him doing it, usually me and ds.

It is hard though. P and I were together for 10/11 years and it's tough not to fall back on the memories of when we were happier to make a last ditch attempt. I think I've just accepted now that having a child changed the dynamics of our relationship - he can't give me what I want and vice versa.

Looking at the wider picture I can't go back. Being with him in the last year or two I was constantly stressed, unhappy, not sleeping or eating properly, coming down with every sickness going. It's just not worth it.

The feeling of relief I felt when we finally sgreed to split spoke volumes, just like the elation you felt.

moonmother Thu 29-Oct-09 09:36:41

abrandnewstart - I'm sure many of us will have read this thread and been where you are now.

5 years ago, I was with my partner, we had a 3 year old DD, and I'd just had our Ds ( 6 months). My ex always had a lot of hobbies, that made him busy at the weekend. I stupidly thought having our DD would make him want to stay at home more. When our Ds came along he seemed to get worse, out at the pub alot, seeing his friends more football, more golf etc etc.

I was left at home with both my Dc's, one being a small baby, and one day I just got up and though I've had enough. I was almost a single parent- actually being one couldn't be any worse.

I told him I'd had enough, that he needed to be responsible as he was a father to 2 children now. He didn't want to change his lifestyle, so I walked away.

Yes, it's hard, Yes I did still love him, and hoped it might make him sit up and think and want us back, but I was damn sure I wasn't going to sit about waiting for it to happen.

5 years down the line, I have 2 wonderful children, a lovely house and a life that I want for myself. I also found the love of my life, a diamond of a man , that treats me and my Dc's with respect and love. Looking back I know I would never have had this life with my ex.

He's a great Dad , he sees the Dc's weekly and looks after them financially, but, sadly it's still on the same terms as it was 5 years ago, their visits always have to be arranged around his hobbies, outings etc.

After a couple of relationships, he's finally engaged to a lovely girl, but I can see that as a Leopard he hasn't changed his spots.

My advice is carry on the way you are going - with regards to the divorce, sadly I think it would be you tht would have to sacrifice your happiness if you did get back together.

You and your Dc deserve a GREAT life, not one that you just 'make do ' with.

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