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Moving out and scared

(13 Posts)
jazzygirl Tue 27-Oct-09 14:05:54

Having hummed and haahd about ending my marriage, I told my husband it was over in May. We've been living in the house (with our 3 year old son) since then, chiefly for financial reasons. However I recently decided it was time to move out and start my new life. We're going to have shared custody of our son, and I'm only moving 3 miles away.
However as the time approaches (this weekend) I am getting more and more scared and sad about it. I don't think our relationship is salvageable - we tried 9 months of counselling last year but it didn't help, and although I love him, his irritability, impatience and total lack of affection towards me have made it impossible. But I'm still scared that I'm doing the wrong thing, and feel guilty for what it will do to our 3 year old. Dp shouts at me in front of the child, and I find this inexusable. I'm hoping that things will get better for all of us living in 2 houses rather than 1, but worry that I'm justifying being selfish.
I met someone else over the summer who offers me affection, love, compassion and amazing sex (one of the main things my husband and I argued about was that he kept telling me I have no sex drive, I'm abnormal, selfish etc sexually, when in reality it was because I just didn't fancy him). However as the relationship has progressed I'm not sure that he's right for me, and I guess that's made me question whether leaving my husband is the right thing after all.
Has anyone been in a similar situation who can tell me how it was for them?

overmydeadbody Tue 27-Oct-09 14:09:49

Regardless of whether you have another man who's arms you can run into you still need to leave your husband.

Of course you are scared, you are embarking on something new in your life, but you still need to do it, even if your new relationship isn't going to last.

It will do you good to be dsingle for a while anyway, instead of just going straight from one relationship to another. People need breathing space, you included.

You need to find time to find your feet again, rediscover yourself as an individual and a person, rather than a wife or girlfriend, and enjoy your own company.

There will always be other men who you can get great sex from. In fact, that's quite an easy thing to find compared to other things in life grin

jazzygirl Tue 27-Oct-09 14:21:28

Just reread what I wrote, and it sounds like I'm thinking of staying because the new relationship might not work out. It's not really that, it's more that I'm just scared in general of going, scared that I'm doing the wrong thing.
The other relationship is a bit of a sideline at the moment, but I suppose the fact it might not last is making moving out even more terrifying. There is a big part of me that wants to be single, and I have thought seriously about ending that relationship this week but I think that's too much, on top of the move.
I just need reassurance that moving out isn't as horrendous and distressing as I think it might be

redwiner Tue 27-Oct-09 14:45:59

Hi Jazzy,
You are being really brave in actually moving out, you read so many stories about people spending years in unhappy relationships - so firstly a big WELL DONE YOU.
I think if anyone tries to say its not going to be a bit scary for the first few weeks they'd be lying, because it will be. You're doing everything by yourself and the outside world can be really frightening at times, but as one who has been there I can assure you that it gets better quite quickly. You look at yourself and realise how much stronger you are than you ever realised. And that in turn gives you the mental strength to go on. Whether or not the new man works out is irrelevant, you're leaving for a good reason and that is all you need to remember. You know in your heart that you can't carry on the way you were so that is all you need to remember.
Good luck, remember, we're all here for you!

mathanxiety Tue 27-Oct-09 15:00:34

Some regrets come from grief at the death of the relationship, which is natural. Obviously you didn't start out thinking it would come to this, and when you had your DS you didn't think he would eventually witness ugly scenes where you would be shouted at and he would be frightened and upset. You could take a little time to grieve, and also acknowledge that your heart and head are telling you the truth now, and you know it's time to bail out before there's serious damage to you or your LO. And take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Things get less scary over time, as you 'just do it'. One day you'll realise it's been a long time since you've been shouted at smile and you'll know it was worth it.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Tue 27-Oct-09 15:36:52

Of course you are scared, moving is scary at the best of times, moving out and away from a relationship, however awful it is, is still scary. You're scared of the unknown, but it won't be unknown for very long.

You know you have to do it, just be brave... [hsmile} deep breaths and get on with it...

Feel the fear and do it anyway... We'll be here to help you though it..

jazzygirl Fri 30-Oct-09 14:31:14

Oh God it's tomorrow. I have been so tense all week. I can't stop eating crap and smoking, not to mention the amount of booze I have put away.
God I hope I'm doing the right thing. I was sitting next to him on the sofa last night trying to imagine a last ditch attempt at having sex but I knew I just couldn't do it. There is no chemistry whatsoever. Never was. And he's an impatient, moody loner a lot of the time. I can't live like that. Even my 3 year old calls him 'grumpy'.
God I'm terrified

geekdad Fri 30-Oct-09 17:02:14

As other posters have said, you shouldn't feel surprised about being scared of your impending move. It's one thing to say that you've separated, but quite another to do the follow through.

My DW and I have recently split up, but are living in the same house, largely due to financial constraints. Interestingly, it's the lack of chemistry that brought about our decision. But, what I wanted to say was that you shouldn't think that you are being selfish just because you want a relationship with someone that is more fulfilling than your current one. You are being brave. I suspect that there are many, many couples who make do with unsatisfactory relationships and justify staying together for the sake of the children, when really they are simply scared of change and don't have the bravery, or possibly the impetous, to change things.

You also sound like you have your head screwed on with regard to your other relationship. I wouldn't worry too much about deciding anything about that right now. You have more than enough to deal with.
Good luck with the move and stay strong.

Aussieng Fri 30-Oct-09 17:18:35

Hey Jazzy. Don't be scared. The first few weeks will be hard. The house will feel odd and empty ( I bet you don't have as much furniture) and a bit lonely and quiet especially when your DS first goes to bed or is with your ex.

I met my exH at 18 and we lived together until we separated when I was 29. I had my first experience then of living alone and I was terrified. Whilst not heart-broken over our separation I was upset and lonely, scared of never meeting anyone else etc etc and in my case the separation happened very quickly (no 9 months of build up) and I had let some friendships drift (as women often do in a relationship).

I had a difficult 8-10 weeks or so so then things got better and then I had to face Christmas which was hard and then things got SO MUCH better. I then had the best 2 years of my life up to that point. I loved being single, loved being selfish, loved the peace, the hecticness (which ever it was, it was on my terms) and the ability to be spontaneous. I had been in a couple since 18 yrs old so always thought of "we" and it was huge being able to think of "I" and as new age and pretentious as it sounds, I learned a lot about myself (I learned that I hate living in the countryside and am a city girl and believe it or not I never knew that before which is ridiculous).

Embrace it. Invite a couple of friends around for a glass of wine for one of the first nights when you don't have your DS at home, make plans and be busy for a few weeks. It really will be so much better than fine. And being really happy on your own with all the confidence and self-esteem that this brings is such a healthy frame of mind to be in when you go in to your next relationship.

good luck.

mumtofour Sat 31-Oct-09 00:13:50

Sending you love as this is bound to be an emotional time for you. Even though you know you can't rekindle your marriage you are bound to feel scared and sad at the lose of the relationship you would have liked to have had with your husband. Even though this is a path you are chosing, so some may expect you to not feel sad or scared, I think it is a natural reponse. Be kind to yourself as you are doing what you obviously feel is the right thing for you and also for your husband. I wish you all the best.xx

KrispyKreme Sat 31-Oct-09 14:14:42

I really hope your move goes well today Jazzy

I am in a similar situtation but about 2 months behind you.

I struggled on for about 2 years being pretty sure my relationship with H was over...but not having the strength to do anyting about it.

Like you I also have the possibility of someone new in my life but am pretty unsure about it...wondering if it's being driven partly by being scared of being alone.

It may not end up being right for me but if nothing else it's opened my eyes up dramatically to recognizing the things that weren;t working in my relationship with H (and the things I want / don;t want for the future.

I hope things work out for you - I agree don;t worry about the new relationship for now, just get yourself straight and then you can have a better think.

I admire you for lasting in the same house since May. Both H & I are finding it incredibly difficult but similarly can;t make a move until financial things are sorted.

Good luck and come back and tell us how it went today.

cheapskatemum Sat 31-Oct-09 23:59:57

Did you move in today, Jazzygirl? I'm sending you an MN post equivalent to a "Good Luck in your New Home" card!

jazzygirl Tue 03-Nov-09 14:02:02

Thanks all for your lovely messages
I did move in on Saturday. I was expecting it to be terrifying and upsetting but actually it didn't feel real. I just got some stuff, drove the car to the new house and unpacked, totally numb throughout the whole thing. The worst bit was when dh came and took our son to his for the night, and then I was alone. But it still feels like I've done the right thing.
I have ended the new relationship today. I feel sad about it and I know I have hurt him a lot, but it just wasn't right. I need to focus on myself and my little one, and giving this marriage a decent burial. I am scared of being on my own but also elated at the thought that I can be 'me' again. And I also feel guilty and like I'm being immature, living like a singleton when I have responsibilities. But I think my dh has put that thought in my head, always there to make me feel bad about myself!
Thanks for all your messages.

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