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Started dating again post-split. Strong urge to get into bed early on. Slutty or sensible?

(34 Posts)
pearsandevap Mon 26-Oct-09 21:51:32

Have namechanged - in case I am indeed verging on slutty behaviour, which would be a bit shameful.

I split from my ex nearly two years ago. Since the summer, I have started to date again, and am enjoying the fun of it and feeling sexy again.

A couple of dates didn't come to anything. With another, there was a lot of chemistry there and we slept together on the third date, and regularly for a month afterwards. That was a lot of fun, even though it didn't work out. I have very recently started seeing someone else and, again, feel the urge to get into bed fast. Having been in one relationship from my teens to 30, I don't know what's considered 'normal' or acceptable, but am beginning to wonder if my urge to hop in the sack early on wouldn't be considered wise.

These are the reasons why I think I may be keen to sleep with a new partner early on:

- High sex drive;
- Want to know early on if there's sexual chemistry and a connection in bed (and clean enough, keen to pleasure/be pleasured, etc), since a lack of it will be a dealbreaker;
- I didn't do the playing around and working out what I do and don't like in a man thing when I was younger, so am enjoying slightly playing the field now.

For the record, I am not two-timing anyone, I am using condoms, and am dating only when my son is away with his dad - not when he's around.

Am I behaving like a slut? Or is it actually OK to want to race into the sack after a few weeks if the spark's there?

ninah Mon 26-Oct-09 21:54:06

nothing wrong with enjoying yourself - just be clear on what you want long term as it's easy to get emotionally hung up on a new partner esp once sex involved, and you need to do your research from a clear headed perspective iyswim

Alibooobaandthe40phantoms Mon 26-Oct-09 21:55:19

IMO what you are doing is totally acceptable. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun grin.

BiteOfFun Mon 26-Oct-09 21:56:14

A few weeks sounds quite demure to me. But, hey, what do I know?

BiteOfFun Mon 26-Oct-09 21:57:24

I was given some advice once: men are like carpet tiles- lay em right the first time, and you can walk on them forever grin

Parsleypants Mon 26-Oct-09 21:58:54

God no. I had enormous fun after splitting with exh. I wasn't as sensible as you are being and landed in hot water once or twice. But if you're honest and clear about what you want then no harm done IMO. Consenting adults and all that.

ninah Mon 26-Oct-09 21:59:22

give me a nice shag pile any day

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 26-Oct-09 22:01:02

There is nothing remotely shameful about having all the sex you want with as many different people as you want, as long as you are not lying to anyone and you are taking sensible precautions ie using condoms.
Have fun. Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.

sincitylover Mon 26-Oct-09 22:03:21

We need SGB to come along.

Since I split with exh three years ago have slept with 3 men.

One was an exbf and of course we had already slept together albeit many years ago. So did it first time of meeting again and it's ongoing but casual!!

Second someone met online who I thought was v v sexy and I wanted to sleep with. However it took six months to arrange a date and we both knew what for!! Was great but didn't happen again.

Third guy I dated since April but it's sort of fizzled out. Slept with him on second date. Perhaps I should have waited who knows.

Think there's nothing wrong with racing into ssack but also see no harm in waiting either.

Would be asking myself questions if I was sleeping with many random men though one after the other. I am picky but once I have a feeling about someone then don't feel the need to wait.

sincitylover Mon 26-Oct-09 22:04:19

SGB you pipped me to the post grin

pearsandevap Mon 26-Oct-09 22:20:04

Phew! That's reassuring. I have never behaved like this before, and perhaps because it's so removed from 12 years of sexual fidelity, I'm feeling like a fish out of water and - relatively speaking - a bit tarty.

Good thought, ninah. I suppose once sex's involved, it does crank up the emotional involvement. I guess the flip side of that is that you could make a big investment in getting to know someone - going on lots of dates, for weeks/months - and starting to feel all loved up and a sense of real build-up to The Night You Finally Have Sex. And then the bubble could be burst in just one night, if it didn't feel right. But I hear what you're saying; will bear that in mind. Thanks.

Ali, I am indeed having a lot of fun. It's wonderful. After experiencing my relationship with my ex falling apart over several years, and the feelings of loss afterwards - this is like a whole new beginning.

So, the whole being honest and clear about what I want thing. Well, I would like to be in a relationship again eventually. And I suppose that could be soon with the right guy, or not for years - but I won't go years without sex. So what do I say - that I'm getting out there again and having some fun, and simply going with the flow and seeing where it leads?

BiteOfFun - your carpet tiles reference made me smile. I'll try to be on best floor-laying form on Wednesday night, then! ;)

Thanks ladies for helping me feel more sexy than slutty.

ninah Mon 26-Oct-09 22:27:45

it's just that I think it's easier to tell soonish if you are going to be sexually compatible (spark etc) than to suss out all the other factors iyswim.
having fun is a great way to look at things - it's about rejoining life again atm isn't it and yes it is lovely to feel attractive again, good for you

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 26-Oct-09 23:09:41

You're actually being far wiser by having fun rather than rushing headlong into a new Serious Relationship: it's always better to take abit of time out after a long relationship ends. Meeting lots of men improves your prat-detecting skills so you don't settle for any old loser or parasite or creep just so you're not 'alone'.

TDiddy Mon 26-Oct-09 23:32:19

BoF- grin

lou33 Tue 27-Oct-09 00:26:21

i cant see any problem with the op myself

WobblyWench Tue 27-Oct-09 07:28:02

I am with you OP and think you should go for it. I know how you feel, once I left ex I got my sexual urges back. Have been with 2 people, knowing that's all it would be, but was a great experience and re-assured me I wasn't a frigid old wench lol. Good for you!!

Frrrightattendant Tue 27-Oct-09 07:33:50

Neither, I'm afraid, imho

It confers high risk of getting hurt/attached early on then let down

I wouldn't sleep with someone unless I wanted them in every other way as it makes me feel awful about myself and very vulnerable, plus sex is yucky/embarrassing enough without doingit with a virtual stranger

I think you need to wait till you are almost 100% sure about spending a long time with the person

But this is just me, you might be very different and not be affected the same way.

I WISH I had not slept with a few people, there's nobody i wish I HAD slept with iyswim.

HerBewitcheditude Tue 27-Oct-09 07:58:53

oh god I'm the opposite. I wonder why on earth I didn't take up some of the offers I turned down. Some nonsense about not being sure if the offer was attached to long term commitment or future or something grin (which isn't to say there's anything wrong with wanting that, but until that comes along...)

I don't know what you're worrying about. Sex, pleasure, fun, enjoyment is all good, you're being responsible and sensible, not role modelling crap behaviour and you're having a great time. Good for you. Go shagging in peace. Or something. <Holds up hand in blessing>

Frrrightattendant Tue 27-Oct-09 08:04:22

Yes but Her, that's sometimes how I see it in hindsight - but then a similar situation arises and I understand exactly why I was so reluctant to do it at the time!
I think your instincts when you said no thanks were probably good ones. It's just easy to forget the other side of being offered sex on a non committal basis and why that does make a lot of us uncomfortable enough to decline it.


HerBewitcheditude Tue 27-Oct-09 08:14:08

Yes I do SWYM.

I think you go through phases - sometimes being convinced there's no point having sex with random blokes who probably aren't going to be in your life 5 years from now and sometimes being convinced that there's no point turning down the offer of harmless fun, pleasure etc., for some long term goal that might never happen anyway or if it does, isn't going to be affected by this here now.

Depends on a) bloke and b) where you're at I suppose. And also your attitude to sex.

you dont sound slutty at all to me.

go forth
lay tiles (BOF i <heart> that saying)
enjoy yourself.

sex is fabulous fun as long as your honest with yourself and the other person.

take care and enjoy

Frrrightattendant Tue 27-Oct-09 10:00:00

Makes sense Her.

I don't think I would actually find it funpleasurable, that's the thing.

Frrrightattendant Tue 27-Oct-09 10:03:25

sorry ds2 on lap!

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 27-Oct-09 11:13:18

FA: By all means do what's right for you. If you have what might be called a relationship fetish ('relationship' must be present for you to enjoy sex) then it's a bit pointless for you to indulge in sex that doesn't satisfy or suit you. Just be careful about using sex as a bargaining counter to get a man to promise 'commitment' as a) the man might turn out to be rubbish in bed and then you're a bit lumbered and b) some people will take advantage and promise what they are not prepared to deliver.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 27-Oct-09 12:36:44

I loved sowing my wild oats! Always honest, generally careful (blush) not at all slutty (hateful word), and I'd do it again if DH and I ever split!

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