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has anyone got experience of being with/married to someone with a Type A personality?

(53 Posts)
cruisemum1 Mon 26-Oct-09 20:40:43

I think my dh fits this description. He has two jobs both of which demand a fair bit of his time but no more than many other Dad's I know. He gets completely and utterly stressed with minor irritations, which are part of family life, to the point of physically shaking and funing. He is not relaxing to be with. He drinks way too much way too often (2 bottles of wine per night)and then behaves like some crude little schoolboy making sexual comments and inuendos in fromt of our 11 yo dd . He can be morose, starts the day saying he wishes he was dead etc. I am afraid I have lost sympathy over teh years having witnessed some horrific displays of temper and depression. I cannot carry on like this but am too afraid to address the situatin because last time i did he trashed several of our kitchen jars/vases. He has been an absolute monster to live with over the years but I cannot put everything in the op. Can anyone offer anyhelp/support/ I am at the end of my tether and sadly sleep evades me when I need it most

JollyPirate Mon 26-Oct-09 20:49:10

Hello cruisemum - I am a bit tied up at the moment so this will be short. Your description sounds like an abusive man - he might not hit you but definitely controls your actions by making you afraid of his reaction to challenging his behaviour. I'd advise giving Womens Aid a call and having a chat with someone about the situation.

charitygirl Mon 26-Oct-09 20:50:51

I don't now what Type A personality means - does it stand for abusive?? Or alcoholic? Sympathies - he sounds horrible.

Can I suggest you call either (or both) Women's Aid to discuss the abuse and Relate (0300 100 1234) to deal with the impact this is having on you emotionally - and your daughter. You can just chat to them for a while.

Please don't feel bad for having lost sympathy - you cannot solve his obvious problems and you are not to blame for them either.

Lilymaid Mon 26-Oct-09 20:56:00

My understanding of a Type A personality is to do with work - i.e. someone highly competitive and highly driven - probably workaholics with short fuses. Not sure whether your description matches a typical Type A person (who would be difficult to live with but not necessarily behave as your DH).

cruisemum1 Mon 26-Oct-09 21:04:55

thank you all. I know I need t ospeak to someone. I cannot handle the situation alone any more. he can be OK but I never get to tell him how I feel because as soon as I start he turns it around to how he feels so I am expected to feel grateful. iyswim. When our ds was born (3yo) he got so drunk in the delivery room after he was born that he collapesed on teh floor. We cabbed home and he went to bed while I nursed our new baby. He had an affiar when I was pg with dd and then made my life hell when i reacted like i did. gtg I hear him coming in the lounge

Doha Mon 26-Oct-09 21:08:30

Why are you still with him?

cruisemum1 Mon 26-Oct-09 21:25:46

very hard to leave a man like this. we have a dd in private school, i can offer no financial security whatsoever at the moment. I cannt see myself putting our two lo's thruogh it. Tgere was a lot af anger and angst when dd was smaller. he has no understanding of children and couldn't understand her preference for Mummy. the more he ranted the more she ran to me

Doha Mon 26-Oct-09 21:35:56

You seem to be putting your Lo's through a lot by staying in this relationship.
Call womens aid--Cab benefits ofice to find out what you are entiltled to.
Your DD being at private school is no excuse to stay.
What are you teaching your DC's by staying and putting up with this behaviour.

NanaNina Mon 26-Oct-09 21:48:12

Cruisemum - I find your post confusing. Initially you talk of "type A" personality and there is no definition (as far as I know) and then you are honest enough to being to catalogue all the horrors of living with this man who is emotionally abusing you AND your children. Then you talk of it "being difficult to leave - and a dd at private school" - do you think that this kind of elitist eduation is going to make up for the emotional abuse at home. Your description of your H making sexual comments in front of your 11 year old filled me with horror. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and you must be suffering BUT you really do need to take action to protect your children. They have the right to leave free from this kind of emotional abuse - you can choose what you do - they can't.

There are many many women on these posts who have found the courage to leave these kinds of abusive relationships, and found better peaceful lives for themselves and their children. You could be one of them. OK it will be tough as you clearly enjoy a good standard of living but what is more important money or peace of mind and your children living free from this kind of tension, and providing them with an environment where they can flourish.

Your H will have to support his children. My advice FWIW is to find the courage to take action, find a good lawyer and get the support you need in RL to separate from this man who is harming you and your children.

cruisemum1 Tue 27-Oct-09 08:36:14

NanaNina - firstly, though I appreciate all your points and opinion, I am not staying put so that I can enjoy a good standard of living. My priorty re: dd's school is that she remains there as she absolutely adores it, has made many many fantastic friends and would be devastated if I pulled her out. The sexual comments are not directed at her b ut I find them offensive and totally inappropriate. There is a definition for Type A personalities. You can find it on google. (very long to define here!) There is a lot of tension here, you are right. Dd does witness it (though in her early years it was far worse) but she has expressed worry that we will separate. The thought fills her with horror. There is so much more but I cannot put it all on here as it will take me an age. I am lost and confused.

Miggsie Tue 27-Oct-09 08:49:19

Splitting up does not mean you have to pull her out of school does it?
He would have to pay maintenance, and does the school do bursaries?

If he is making crude sexual jokes now it will escalate as she becomes more of a woman...this is the pattern, several ladies on the "stately homes" thread have suffered this and they have struggled for years with the emotional abuse they suffered.

cruisemum1 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:28:43

Miggsie - omg I am so afraid of causing her emotional damage. What is more damamging - staying whrre she thinks she wants to be or going? I am so confused. She also fears his drinking. He recently drank so much that she found him slumped at the bottom fo the stairs. It terrifed her and me. She is very wary but also regularly says she loves him and is fearful of him going. I don't know what I am doing. There are too many instances to cite on here but I am building a picture to myself by just writing it down.

cruisemum1 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:29:15

IS the treahd called Stately Homes? I will look it up

AvengingGerbil Tue 27-Oct-09 09:44:33

Sounds like an alcoholic to me. Talk to AA, see if they think staying with an alcoholic is better or worse in the long term for your DD.

cruisemum1 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:48:58

AvengingGerbil - you are right. Drink does pay a huge part in all of this. He says he is not because he doesn't drink all day hmm.
I once woke to the smell of gas and found him lying on the kitchen floor beside a bowl of food with the gas on but unlit. What am i doing here? sad

higgle Tue 27-Oct-09 10:01:36

Some years ago I worked with, and unwisely got involved with, someone who had all these traits. Very driven at work, very hyper and the sort of person who would rage at things like "customer service" on the phone and go on and on about other peoples inefficiency. he was also very cruel in his comments about people he didn't take to. He wasn't very nice to me either - but that is in the past now. It was mainly the drink - he didn't accept he had a problem because ( unusually for a professional) it was mainly beer and seemingly under controlmost of the time with fairly regular embarassing outbursts. If there is to be any hope for you being together he will have to tackle this first, there really is no other option. ( my ex didn't and ended up with toxic neuropathy - damage to all extremities )

cruisemum1 Tue 27-Oct-09 10:18:01

higgle - you are describing my dh to a tea. Uncanny. He does ALL those things - that is what made me refer in my op to Type A personalities (don't know if you have any knowledge of these). it is defo alcohol related - there are so many occasions where it has played a part. He absolutely will not ever acknowledge a problem despte my calling an ambulance to get him when he was gagging and choking and bringing up black bile and pissed himself on our bedroom floor the night i toldhim i was pg with ds sad. I am scared and hopeless

cruisemum1 Tue 27-Oct-09 10:18:58

the follwing day when i got him from hospital he went out for a drink sadsadsad

DrunkenDaisy Tue 27-Oct-09 12:06:52

Jesus, you have to leave.

It's so sad that your daughter is needy of his love. I hope that pattern is not too ingrained in her and she grows up to fall for men who remind her of her dad (like i did). sad

Katisha Tue 27-Oct-09 12:14:09

Ring Womens Aid and talk to someone there. It's not just for battered women.

wanttostartafresh Tue 27-Oct-09 12:31:50

It sounds like your DH has serious and deep rooted issues which he needs help to address. But in the meantime you and your DD are being damaged and abused by his behaviour. Your DD is scared of the unknown ie life without her dad, but you are the adult and you know life will go on without her dad and will most likely be calmer, more stable and less scary. You need to take control of this situation and take action for the sake of your DD. She may be so happy at school simply because it is an escape from the turmoil at home. But it is far more important for a child to have a safe and secure home life than to have a brilliant time at school (of course school is important but i hope you know what i am getting at).

Please do something now. I am on the Stately Homes thread. My mother did nothing about my abusive dad and it has caused SO much pain and damage, I am still sorting out the mess 30 years later. Please don't do this to your DD, do something now before even more damage is done to her fragile self esteem and self confidence.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 27-Oct-09 12:43:00

You have to be the adult and make a decision that is in your DD's best interests (as well as your own) and jesus, if ever it was clear what is in her best interests it is leaving this relationship.
She will be scared of the unknown, and probably scared for her father if you both aren't around to make sure he doesn't injure himself. Poor thing is probabl;y pretty insecure after the shit she has been witness to.

He sounds absolutely vile and abhorrent. No little girl should be around a man who makes sexually suggestive comments, who has no patience with children, who has a clear and unacknowledged drink problem, who is vile and unsupportive to her mother.

Private school be fucked - if you can't afford it she'll still be better off out of there. Although your H should carry on paying the fees actually.

Katisha Tue 27-Oct-09 12:48:57

Children, and indeed all of us, fear change, even if it's change for the better.

Start to make plans for life without him - you can do it,and a weight will lift from your shoulders.

Don't sacrifice yourself to a school either, your life does not have to be laid down for a private education, and neither does your DD's emotional wellbeing. Start trying to see things from a different point of view and don't let yourself believe that you are trapped by circumstances.

ib Tue 27-Oct-09 12:59:28

I think you are doing yourself a disservice by putting it down to a type A personality.

My family is full of type As - it's originally an analysis for risk of heart disease, and, guess what, many of the men in my family have had it.

And while they can be highly strung and tiresome at times, none of them are abusive bastards like what you describe - and none of them are alcoholics either. I wouldn't necessarily want to work for them, but they are all good to their families.

Dh was an archetypal type A - so much so I was worried for his heart. His colleagues thought he was insane, and given the kind of job he worked in, that's really saying something.

We have worked on it and over the years he has become more relaxed. However, he was never, ever abusive towards me in the ways that you describe (or in any other ways, for that matter).

What you have is much worse than a type A personality - it is abuse, pure and simple. Or, if it is a psychiatric condition, it is a lot more serious than being type A.

theworldsgoneDMmad Tue 27-Oct-09 13:08:19

Is there really any more to this theory than that type A stands for "arsehole" and type B for "benign"? Neither of them excuse his behaviour.

Cruisemum - yes, your DD will be upset when you separate but she'll be a lot happier by the time she's going through adolescence and taking her GCSEs (as will your DS when he starts school), especially with a mum who isn't walking on eggshells waiting for XH to kick off, who has quite possibly met someone else who treats her with the love and respect she deserves too.

He says he wishes he was dead in the morning and is going the right away about it as well. You can make sure he doesn't take you all with him.

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