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Problems with Mum(10 Posts)
Hi, just interested to hear if anyone is in a similar situation to me.
I have always been really close to my Mum. However, sometimes I find her quite stiffling and controlling. She and my sister do not like my husband and I have compensated for this by bringing the kids to visit her as she won't come to my house. My sister was supposed to be godmother to my youngest child in August but said she (and Mum) would only come to the church and not to the celebration afterwards as they did not want to be near my husband. I was really upset and said that I did not want her to be godmother if she was only going to do it on her terms. I accepted Mum's decision though but told her that I was not happy about it, as she was putting her problems with my husband ahead of her relationship with her daughter and grandchildren. Mum said that if I did not change my mind about my sister being godmother that she would not come to the christening. I have always bowed to her emotional blackmail in the past but didn't this time and she and my sister did not come to the christening. Have only seen her a few times since the summer when I have brought the kids to visit and she has completely ignored me or tried to get me to apologise for my 'despicable' behaviour. I have stopped calling to see her because I don't want to continue listening to her tirade of abuse. She has been a brilliant grandmother to the kids and she has not even made contact to enquire after them, yet I am sure she is telling everyone that I won't let her see them, which I would never do. She won't accept any responsibility for this situation. Any comments/advice welcome.
Hmm, it does sound bad but what exactly is their problem with your husband?
I'm wondering the same as kitsmummy, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour towards your DH.
Their problems with my husband is mostly my fault - my big mouth. I cried on Mum's shoulders when we were having problems and she took a dislike to him because of the things I had told her. To be honest, it was just run-of-the-mill stuff and I just needed a rant. Also when Mum and I had a bit of a falling out and she called up to our house, DH ignored her, so that gave her the excuse she needed not to have to deal with him, saying that she was not welcome in my home. He called to her sometime ago in an attempt to 'bury the hatchet' between them, but she said she was not interested. She has told me that she doesn't like him and it suits her not to see him. Though I see my own part in this situation, I think she is being very selfish and considering only her own feelings.
I think you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself from her. She sounds poisonous. Is she jealous of your husband?
It is not your fault. Any sensible mother should realize that you offloaded during a bad period, and be a supportive mum to you at the time, and forget about it when you and your husband patched things up.
As it is, she is making you chose between your husband and her (and sister) and this is not fair. Hurtful as it is, I would let the relationship with her slide, if I were you.
Now you see, my MIL had problems with her other DIL, but she manages to be civil and have some sort of relationship with her, and invite her over and include her in family things. It doesn't matter what you said to your mum, and my BIL is always filling MIL in on his wifes' shortcomings, she should be able to put that aside.
You haven't done anything wrong over the whole christening thing, but I don't know how to solve this with your mum (I myself have a difficutl mother whom I choose to ignore).
I think when I went to visit with her, I'd just take DH along with me and make it quite clear you are a family and you'll be seeing her as a family.
Many yeras ago l had similar problems with my DH and my parents.
Eventually not long after DD was born things came to a head and l was told by my parents to choose beween them and my DH.
So l did--it was hard my my DH and DD were my family unit decision made.
A short time later my DP's made the first move to retablish contact when they realised l was sticking to my decision.
Things wer strained at first, barely civil but eventually things thawed until towards the end of his life my Dad and my DH were like father and son.
They--my DP's admitted they had totally misjudged him.
Stick to your guns Pride -you have your own family unit and hopefully they will come round to bury the hachet.
If not it is their loss..
I wouldn't have a godparent who refused to be in the same room as the child's parent, that's just silly.
You invite your mum and sister to the Christening, neither as godparent. If they choose not to come that's up to them. You and your husband choose your children's godparents, your guests choose whether or not to come.
If your marriage is strong it will weather this and your mum and sister will come to realise your husband is important to you.
I've generally not discussed my relationships with my family because of this sort of thing.
If he was abusing you though their reactions may be understandable.
Thanks for all the comments. It's hard to realise at this point in my life that my Mum who I love so much is as controlling as she is. She's my best friend as long as I do things her way, but as soon as I make my own decisions that she is not in agreement with, she speaks to me like I am a disobedient 10 year old child. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that this is an acceptable way for adults to treat each other. They deserve better from me - I deserve better for myself.
I'm a few years down the line from you. I won't bore you with all the details but what I've learned from the whole experience is:
- Your mum may well be telling friends and relatives that you won't let her see your children but those who know you at all will figure out fairly quickly that it's not true and that your mum is no victim.
- Your mum might enjoy the drama to start with but after a while the patience and tolerance of her audience will start to wear very thin.
- Let her know (via a 3rd party if necessary) that she is welcome to visit the children. This places the ball firmly in her court.
In the meantime all you can do is to carry on with things as usual with your DH and DCs. The open invitation to visit lets your mum know that you'd still like her to be a part of your lives, but that you won't put up with abuse of any kind.
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