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How to tell dd that I have a new man?

(9 Posts)
redwiner Sun 25-Oct-09 19:21:16

I was widowed a year ago,at the age of 44. I never expected to meet anyone so soon, but a man I work with has been really supportive and lovely, and to cut a long story short I began seeing him about 3 months ago. Quite soon we both realised that it wasn't just a fling, that we really get on and like each other - to the point that, even thought its' early days we are talking about the future. I have a daughter aged 14 who adored my late hubby and I am really worried about what to say to her and when. At the moment I see the new man twice a week,outside of work, but I would really like to tell DD about him, but I'm worried she will think I'm betraying my husband.
Can anyone advise when I should tell her? My new man totally understands and is not pushing anything at all, but I would like to be able to be honest about where I'm going, or have him round for tea or watch telly etc. Please help!!

slimeoncrazydemon Sun 25-Oct-09 19:59:38

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redwiner Sun 25-Oct-09 20:32:14

Sorry, I should have said - he wasn't her father - we divorced when she was 5yo, and I had been with my hubby for 7 years. Her biological father lives on the other side of the country and only sees her about 3 times a year, that's why when I met and married DH he was her father figure. It was never contrived or forced, just happened that way. He was a very good man and although she never called him dad, she did look upon him as her father in day to day matters.
It was the first anniversary of his death (he was killed in a motorcycle accident) only a week ago, and in my mind I was thinking let's get over that, then it's nearly Christmas, so we'll wait until after that, then maybe in the new year, say Feb time - as by then we'll have actualy been 'seeing' one another for 5 or 6 months would be an appropriate time to drop his name into convo. She has actually met him a few times, as he has been a work friend for sometime and I often have people round for tea/glass of wine/telly company, so I was planning to begin by saying 'you know ...? well....' and take it from there.
Would you say that's the righ sor of approach? And then, what do I say to late DH's mother?

slimeoncrazydemon Sun 25-Oct-09 20:46:01

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redwiner Sun 25-Oct-09 21:23:50

She's not a stoppy teen at all, she's really good actually. We are very close and talk a lot together.She is only just beginning to get interested in boys, previously they were just stupid creatures at school (should I tell her that they don't change?) and she's about to go to her first nightclub next week. ( they have a 14-17 yr old night which I am taking her and 2 friends to. And collecting of course.) So she's obviously on the verge of growing up and moving into the next phase of her teen-life.
I feel guilty about enjoying my time with this new man, but then I have to remind myself that I didn't go out actively looking for a man, he was the under my nose, so to speak, and that you never know when the right one is going to come along, and I think that losing DH last year has taught me that life can be short, and so we should live it.
I know that MIL will think it's too soon, ideally I should mourn for at least a couple of years in her eyes but I feel like shouting at her 'I'm only 45, I'm still young!'but that won't wash with her. I will have to accept that she won't be happy for me and just get on with it. Unfortunately I don't have anyone else to back me up as both my parents are dead too, so it's just me and DD.
Yes, I think Feb wil be about right, get all the festivities out of the way, back to normal life and, as you say, drop his name in a bit more so she gets used to hearing about him. Fingers crossed it'll be ok. Thank you Slimeon!!

Onlyjoking Sun 25-Oct-09 21:45:09

Hello redwiner, so sorry to hear about your husband.
i dont think we have met before, i was widowed 16 months ago, thou we lived with cancer for 17 months before that.
we have 3 kids with autism 15,15 and 12.
i started seeing a guy a while ago, my kids like your DD are used to me having mates round both female and male and they have been fab about meeting Tom, its hard to know when to tell as you can't untell.
Are you a member of WAY? (widowed and young)
or merry widows? lots of people there have been throu similar things.

slimeoncrazydemon Sun 25-Oct-09 21:51:57

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redwiner Mon 26-Oct-09 17:53:23

Hi Onlyjoking,
I am a member of WAY but to be honest haven't found them any help at all. My local group meets about an hour away from me, which is not really convenient, and on 2 occasions I emailed members near me whose details I got from the member list, I introduced myself and asked if they would like to meet for coffee etc and neither replied. I haven't had one single email from the group leader since the inital one and so, all in all, I feel pretty let down by them. (Don't suppose you're near Colchester are you?)
Anyway, both you and Slimeon have been really great so thanks a lot.

Onlyjoking Mon 26-Oct-09 18:16:09

sorry you haven't found WAY to be helpful, i use the WAY online forum they have a chatroom and message board. and have a few local way friends i sometimes go to the monthly meal, give the online forum a go, no i am not near Colchester, not that i know where colchester is but i live in the east midlands.
if you want to talk further feel free to send me a CAT or email

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