feeling let down by DH (perhaps unfairly) but so low about everything - need advice (sorry long)

[mrsconflicted]

While pregnant with my DD, DH was put into disciplinary proceedings at work. The grounds were shaky and in fairness he stood his ground as we thought they were trying to reduce headcount through bullying rather than go through the proper channels of redundancy etc. In the end he was made redundant (although he'd been there longer than others at the same level etc). Basically I think he'd failed to engage properly with the job ( a professional position) and they were loking for an excuse to get rid. The process took most of my pregnancy and was extremely stressful for us both and traumatic. Eventually he found an alternative position after a few months out of work and started that. He came home a few days ago and confessed to having 'f**ked up' again and now his new emplyer wants to start action to get rid of hime from this job. He has hidden the issues he's been facing from me and in fact we've recently taken on a new mortgage etc and I am returning to work following mat leave next week. This throws everything into jeapoardy and I am completely thrown. I just know he'll be out of work soon - he has been signed off by doc with stress and has been prescribed prozac.

Part of me just wants to hug him and say everything will be ok but another part of me is furious for letting this happen when we'd only just got ourselves on an even keel. I know that there is a lot more to this than the jobs but feel so let down and exposed financially and otherwise. It feels as though I have to do everything, earn the money, care for DD, sort all financial and home stuff out. I am beyond worried and finding it hard to talk about. I can't talk to family about it as I don't want them to think less of him.

[unavailable]

Do you know why he failed in his last two positions? Is he not committed to the work , not suited or just not up to it?

If he was struggling in his role, maybe its time to cut losses and look for another type of job or retrain.

[Bunnysoprano]

Poor, poor you.

The first thing that I would say is that, unless your DH has comitted an act of gross misconduct or has a previous warning on his record, it would be difficult for his employer to dismiss him fairly at this stage (however ONLY if he has over a year of service). That is not to say however that they wont do that and risk that he bring an Employment Tribunal claim.

On the basis of what I have said, do you think it is likely that they will dismiss? If you think they will and that potentially it would be unfair, then I would check your home insurance and see if you have legal expenses cover. If you do, then this should cover a situation such as this and hopefully will be of assistance. It should also make both of you feel more in control as you will have a plan if DH is dismissed.

If DH has less than one year of service then his rights are much less unless he has some kind of discrimination or whistleblowing claim, which seems unlikely from what you have said.

Therefore, my advice would be that you discuss with DH the fact that you need to to talk about this with a trusted family member. It is too much of a burden for you to deal with on your own and you may need their financial/practical assistance as well as help on the emotional side.

If it looks like he is going to be dismissed, then I would also start speaking to the lender, other creditors etc to see if you can come to some arrangement regarding your debts etc if that is going to be an issue. Again, if you can bear to frontload this too then that should help the feelings of lack of control and fright a bit.

Once you have done all the fire-fighting and found out the result of the disciplinary hearing, then I would deal with the issue fo DH not discussing this with you and also whether he actually wants to work in the field he is working in at the moment. It sounds like he is self-sabotating or "acting out". It maybe that he has to keep working in that profession and, if that is the case, he needs to accept that and get on with it. However, these are issues for another day

I hope this helps a bit and that all works out. It could be that, if he puts a very good face on it at the disciplinary hearing, he is only given a final written warning and an other chance.

[mrsconflicted]

I honestly don't know why this has happened again and he doesn't seem to know. He's quite intellectual and I wonder if he would fare better in an academic position. His self esteem is at an all time low and he keeps saying that he thinks he has failed me. It's awful but I do feel that in a way he has. I want to support him but am emotionally all over the place. He's just short of a year's service - perhaps that's why they are thinking of trying to take action now?? Even if he can make good and turn things around I worry that the position won't be tanable long term given what has happened and his feelings of inadequacy etc.

I am returning to a quite 'full on' position (against my own instincts with regards to my DD) because I have seemed to find working life easier, been promoted etc and consequently earn more. I feel so jealous of SAHMs and feel terribly guilty to be going back to work FT. I now can forsee a situation where DH will end up as a SAHD while I go out and earn the money. I know that people make this work but just really feel that this wasn't what I envisaged and feel really cheated. I always thought I'd work but didn't expect to be main breadwinner and miss out on my DD. My dreams of more children seems far away right now.

[Bunnysoprano]

Mrs - the run up to the year of service could very well be why they are doing this now. That being the case, there may be more likelihood that he will be dismissed. Sorry, I don't want to make you feel worse but at least if you know what the score is likely to be, it can help you to plan.

From what you say, he may fare better in an academic position. If he is dismissed, I would strongly advise that he speaks to his boss and asks them to lay it straight on the line to him as to why this has happened. If he explains that he never wants to be in this position again and really needs to know what has happened and why, then his boss may take pity on him and be willing to spend the time doing so. This is more likely if it is a "capability" dismissal rather than a conduct one.

Once this has been bottomed out as much as possible, then I think you need to discuss with him what has happened and how you can move forward. There is so much to deal with: the trust issue; your feelings of being let down; how you can move forward etc. It will take lots of chats to get to the bottom of that.

One thing I would say is do not let him take the role of victim who can never work again. If he stays at home, that will be a joint decision that you BOTH make. Not a default position.