Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
having a miserable time anyone know about narcissism?(11 Posts)
Dh is rather difficult ~ tends to be argumentative,blames me for everything,puts people down,doesn't seem to care yet doesn't want to sort it out,gets angry over small things and it is all so wearing.
I just read a wikipedia thing on narcissism and it fits with him although he isn't living a lie or anything and he has a good job,but I don't think I can take much more.
I feel if I left he would be horrendous and also would not really like him to have a lot of sole time with the dcs because of the way he is.
It's like it's just clicked and I realise this is not acceptable and it doesn't really seem there is a way out.
I don't know much about it, but there several people here who know a lot.
It might be useful for you to know that some people aren't full-on narcissists, some just have narcissistic tendencies.
I only know a bit, because I was married to someone with lots of issues, one of which is I suspect he is either a very clever narcissist, or has tendencies. It's hard to know, as he's so messed up, and still fries my brain, even though we're getting divorced.
It is important for you to try not to let fear of what he will do if you leave stop you. They love all that, but the reality is that the sooner you get away from someone this selfish, the better. Please remember, there is always a way out. You have a perfect right to live your life the way you want to, and be happy, and so do your kids.
Have a look at the various narcissism threads here - they're fascinating and full of lovely helpful people.
Also wonder if it could be AS ~ maybe his hurtful comments are just brutally honest.
Just turned a corner tonight with him and know I have had enough.
I would leave but that would give him sole weekends with young ds which I'm not sure how that would go.
Tonight I knocked a bottle of wine slightly at teatime and he went ballistic and told me not to touch his things!
There's a really long recent thread here called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It has a lot of great links in it. [www.outofthefogsite.com This]] is just one of them. Living with a narcissist is guaranteed to suck the life out of you (and your children). BTW, a lot of visitation agreements involve every second weekend, not every weekend. Visitation can be limited even more depending on the circumstances.
I was where you are now, this time last year. I was desperately unhappy, found him menacing, was too afraid to do anything about it, fearful for my kids but also worried that they'd hate me for splitting up.... and its taken me another year to do something about it.
A couple of weeks ago I phrased something incorrectly and got a roasting over what I should have said....it was a turning point. I too strongly suspect NPD and I just thought - you know what, nothing will ever change, because he will never accept his behaviour is unreasonable.
So I went to work, sent him an email telling him I wanted a divorce (cowardly but the safest route I believe), and contacted a lawyer.
The wheels are turning slowly and after an initial outburst of how selfish I'm being, that I'll destroy the kids etc, its all gone very quiet and everything is now very civilised. I know that this is the calm before the storm so just taking one day at a time (with the odd wobble!).
I have agonised all year about how to do it, how I'd manage, financially survive etc etc but on that day it didn't matter. I just knew I had to do something about it. I have no idea how it will pan out, who will end up living where... but I do know that my kids will be safe, I will be happy and that we won't be homeless. And that for me, NOW is enough.
What I'm trying to say is that you will know the right day for you, when it comes. It may be over something trivial or something major - but you will know.
I started off with the CAB who immediately referred me to an EA counsellor. Maybe that would be a good starting point for you?
take care and be safe, you are (sadly) not alone.
I know nothing aboout NPD but as a totally objective outsider here, have to question the logic of anybody staying with a partner so as to avoid him being alone with their children.
If he isn't able to look after the kids alone then he shouldn't be allowed to. regardless of whether you're together or apart. Either they're safe and happy with him or they aren't, either way this shouldn't be a factor in deciding whether to stay or not.
Obviously, very easy for me to say this. Appreciate is always different in practice.
Dealing with someone who is abusive and unpredictable and potentially dangerous isn't as simple as telling them they can't be with the children any more, and to put that in their pipe and smoke it. They do not appreciate being told what they can or cannot do in any circumstance or situation. If they did, no-one would go around fearing them or worry about the children's welfare while with them, because they would accept the need to follow the rules that civilised society observes, in the main, about how they should treat people.
Someone with NPD has a massive sense of being entitled to do as they please, to hurt others without remorse, and a belief that the world revolves around them, and the people in their environment are their human satellites. To point out otherwise is to risk a possibly violent reaction. You can't 'forbid' or 'allow' someone with NPD to do something, because they don't follow the rules. They don't respect others, but instead operate from a sense of fear. If it's got to the point where they are running roughshod over a family, it's an indication that they don't have any fear, so therefore no respect, and no compliance is to be expected with reasonable behaviour requests.
If you're in a relationship with someone with NPD, you have a choice of adopting the role of being the feared one or being victimised. There is no middle ground, no give and take to their idea of a relationship.
Hello, I'm not really sure if I can help you other than to say after reading your thread that Maths, Violet and quite a few other ladys on here have experienced as well as myself some sort of abusive relationship.
I have taken on everything that people have said to me over the past few weeks after posting my story to try and maybe help others who may be in a similar position as myself.
There are some really lovely people on here who can help you whatever you decide they are always here, no matter what time of day, even if you only want a chat.
You are more than welcome to read my thread I still have my inner core, even though it needs updating as yes I have moved on.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel
Come and join us on the NPD thread.
I left my HN almost three years ago now. It's been very, very hard, but I can see the end of it now.
It's true that you have to get them to fear you to have any power over them, as math said.
Recent thinking and research is showing that Ns and psychopaths are actually one and the same. Although both are on a spectrum of course. Perhaps the spectrum starts with one and ends with the other.
Start to keep a record of everything and give womens aid a call.
In my humble opinion, these freaks should not be allowed anywhere near any children, but I know that is not what will happen in practice!
You can help your children by leaving....this shows them that the way their N parent carries on is not normal and not to be tolerated.
Keep posting, there are many ladies on here with lots of experience of this sadly.
Join the discussion
Please login first.