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DP "in love" with someone else. But I still love him.

(114 Posts)
ThisBoyDraculaDrew Sat 24-Oct-09 19:19:33

Some of you will recognise me.

Turns out DP wants more from the neighbour than he can have. There is nothing going on and probably never will.

He is "infatuated" with her. If she asked him to run away and start a new life (which she won't) there is a good chance he would leave me and go.

All his words. He is now trying to decide if he can put up with me "second best".

I love him. I don't want to/can't let him go. But it doesn't look good.

I want him to concentrate on US. But he seems to be focussing on whether he has a chance with her.

Feeling awful. I will accept being second best - IF he can move on. It doesn't look as though he can.

I think he is going to throw away his family for something he will never get.

I think he is going through a Midlife crisis and will regret his decision when he comes through it...but I don't see what I can do to stop it.

Feeling exceedingly sad

BiteOfFun Sat 24-Oct-09 19:20:47

Keep your dignity and get the hell out. What a twat.

Tortington Sat 24-Oct-09 19:21:31

sorry to be blunt
but get a spine and move on. you deserve better than to be the shit under someones feet

and just for your information - if you act like a wimpy doormat
lady you will be treated like one.

get some self respect. if you have any children think what you are teaching them

Earthstar Sat 24-Oct-09 19:22:11

sad for you but no idea what you should do for the best - let him go and see if he comes back?

ThisBoyDraculaDrew Sat 24-Oct-09 19:23:33

So I make my life a misery and Dcs.

He isn't actually going to get her. He has no chance of that.

RealityBites Sat 24-Oct-09 19:25:35

Message withdrawn

BiteOfFun Sat 24-Oct-09 19:26:23

He has made your life a misery- get out and force him to see that.

Heated Sat 24-Oct-09 19:27:27

How horrible for you. I take it your neighbour told you she's not interested?

Have you been able to tell family and got some RL support?

Your dh needs to wake up/grow up and realise that he has an amazing wife and one he needs to fight for. Imo, don;t think you 'settling' for 2nd best will raise his estimation of you in his eyes. In your shoes I'd be very tempted to tell him HE isn't good enough for YOU and boot him out to go and live on a sofa for a bit.

overmydeadbody Sat 24-Oct-09 19:27:39

How shitty.

God I would leave if someone described me as second best.

How very very sad for you.

It's a grass is greener thing though isn't it? He has no idea whether or not it would even work out with this person does he? Does he even know her or is it all a fantastical crush?

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Sat 24-Oct-09 19:28:54

OMG, leave him.

Nobody makes you second best. Nobody! You cannot live your life in the shadow of someone else's fantasy (and it sounds like your DP is living in fantasy). You can't live your life wondering if he still wants to be with someone else.

That is self torture and you must not accept this no matter what or it will ruin you. Act like a doormat and he will treat you like one, make no mistake about it.

Sorry to be blunt.

Best wishes.

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Sat 24-Oct-09 19:30:39

If it were me I'd get ma coat!!

ThisBoyDraculaDrew Sat 24-Oct-09 19:33:13

Nothing has been said by neighbour...but it is one of those things where I know he has no chance. Hard to explain why I just know.

Thing is I was the one that pointed out his "crush" on her. I saw it before he did.

He knows that it is wrong. He feels that it is telling us something about our relationship...which is why he is thinking of leaving. I think that it is just a classic symptom of a mid-life crisis and that it will pass. We were actually improving our relationhip when I asked him if he was having an affair with her. Now I have pointed out their closeness he wants more.

He feels guilty to teh point that he wants to leave me. But won't ATM commit to leaving or staying. I am in limbo and it is tearing me apart.

SolidGhoulBrass Sat 24-Oct-09 19:33:49

End this relationship before you destroy yourself (and your children). HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. There is nothing you can do to change that, and trying only hurts you.
PLease bear in mind that even if he starts out gratefully accepting the continued domestic service etc, he will rapidly grow to despise you for trying to cling on to him and his treatment of you will get more contemptuous and more unkind. Tell him that the marriage is over and it's time to sort out who's leaving, finances etc.

memorylapse Sat 24-Oct-09 19:34:43

doesnt matter if he has a chance with her or not..but you are always going to be second best to his unrequited "love"hmm..sorry but you deserve better than that..

Earthstar Sat 24-Oct-09 19:34:58

i think you need to take control and make some decisions here. If he won't commit to staying then you should make him leave.

BiteOfFun Sat 24-Oct-09 19:35:01

Take back control and force his hand, honestly.

ThisBoyDraculaDrew Sat 24-Oct-09 19:35:22

I don't want him to go.

I appreciate everything you are saying I really do.

I want him to accept second best. I want him to stay. For me. For the DCs.

morningpaper Sat 24-Oct-09 19:36:42

He sounds a bit mad. I would insist he leave to clear his head and decide what he wants. Never mind what HE wants - you decide whether he should leave or not.

Poor you, I'm so sorry, he is behaving dreadfully. He sounds very immature.

Tortington Sat 24-Oct-09 19:37:35

ah well your doomed to a life of misery then

good luck with it - great parenting skills there teaching you sons and daughters the way a relatinship works is to put up with anything.

great technique

you are selfish thoroughlly selfish to put your children through this

ThisBoyDraculaDrew Sat 24-Oct-09 19:38:34

Thanks custy....I am struggling enough as it is.

Callisto Sat 24-Oct-09 19:40:29

Custy is right, though a bit blunt. I wouldn't put up with shit like this, but then I value myself and my daughter too highly to be second best for anyone else.

slimeoncrazydemon Sat 24-Oct-09 19:41:33

Message withdrawn

ThisBoyDraculaDrew Sat 24-Oct-09 19:41:35

I know...it is just teh way that it was said.

Am just feeling a bit emotional ATM.

I know that there is only really 1 outocme...I just need some support as I don't really have any in RL.

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Sat 24-Oct-09 19:42:48

Sorry, I agree with Custy too.
You must not lay down and take it as he will treat you like a doormat. Show some strength.

slimeoncrazydemon Sat 24-Oct-09 19:43:31

Message withdrawn

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