So would you interpret 'fgs who did that?' as quite aggressive?

[OrmIrian]

when addressed to everyone in the house because something got knocked over? DS#2 was crying in the garden because he got hurt and everyone came to see if he was OK. SOmeone knocked over one of DH's school box files that was balanced on a chair. DH's response was, I thought, quite aggressive and I said so.

He cannot see that his tone makes a big difference to how things he says are perceived and why the children (and me) sometimes find him a bit alarming to be around.

Would it not be more reasonable to accept that it was an accident and as no-one did it on purpose, he should let it go or ask for help to pick it up?

Or am I just a total wuss?

[BloodRedTulips]

erm.... i think you might be overreacting tbh.

if something important of mine was knocked over and possibly damaged my first response would be fairly grumpy and i'd want to know who did it and why they hadn't bothered to pick it up.

[foxinsocks]

hmm yes I say that a bit too

normally because someone has done it and walked off

so I say it in the hope that someone will come and help tidy up

can see what you mean about the accident thing but some people are more into blame and owning up than others and perhaps he's just one of them. Not sure it's aggressive though.

[OrmIrian]

"but some people are more into blame and owning up than others and perhaps he's just one of them" well I see that as aggressive. Like a headmaster who will punish everyone until someone owns up. In fact DD did quite easily and picked the stuff up. But I found his reaction quite unpleasant.

I hate apportioning of blame.

[ChocHobNob]

The words don't sound too bad to me. Maybe if it had been "fFs, who did that?" But I suppose if said in a really nasty tone, it could sound aggressive.

[OrmIrian]

I guess so. Am a bit oversensitive atm.

[CybilAviationAuthority]

People say things in a cross way when they are cross. Its like a reflex thing, I say all sorts when I am hacked off. Sounds like there is more to this Orm than just this one incident?

[OrmIrian]

Yes there is cybil. I have a feeling that he is angry and aggressive all the time. But that is down to me I suspect. My perceptions are fucked atm.

[Geocentric]

I don't think its the words, but the tone. If things are often said in a certain tone, then I can well see everyone starting to walk on eggshells a bit, iyswim.

[OrmIrian]

Yes that's it. The tone. I guess things wind him up that don't wind me up and vice versa sometimes. I tend to go for undifferentiated ranting that isn't directed at anyone in particular. DH is more direct.

[Geocentric]

I know its a boring answer, but you do know that you need to talk with him, right? Talk, talk, talk until you have a breakthrough... My DH can be loud and grumpy sometimes, and when I feel its getting too much, we talk - for hours if needed. Ok, so DH and I are blabbermouths and find it easy to do this, but really, its the only thing to do when you are bothered by something...

[CybilAviationAuthority]

'Undiffentiated ranting' lol, yes that's me too, whilst rampaging through the house picking up discarded things and threatening to throw them in a bin bag.

[CybilAviationAuthority]

FWIW I tell my dh he sounds like a prison guard sometimes and that makes him stop and think for a bit

You know 'Right, bath. Get undressed. get your towel' etc etc

[Lavenderfleurs]

OrmIrian. Sorry going to go against the general consensus on here but one of the things that I was so glad to implement in my own house after ex left was a thing called a "No Blame Culture". When my ex lived with us people had to be held accountable and "brought to book" for accidents and mistakes.

Are your perceptions fucked OrmIrian? don't be too quick to write off your gut instinct. You say you have a feeling he is angry and aggressive a lot of the time. What other examples have you got? Because if you have a fair few tiny little examples that could add up to a much bigger problem.

[OrmIrian]

Oh lavender I would love to do that. Blame acheives nothing IMO apart from creating division. What can I say about DH? He is one of the good guys. Loyal, loving, funny, responsible, trustworthy. But.... he has a huge sense of his own rightness, and also thinks that, as parents, we can do no wrong. If he shouts he never apologises. And I think that anyone who loses their temper in a close community such as family needs to apologise and explain. I am not in a very good place atm - coming of anti-Ds and struggling, all my symptoms coming back (hence my perceptions being fucked ) - but even so I always apologise when I lose it. He seems to beleive that apologies are weak. And I don't understand that at all.

cybil - Dh does the sergeant major thing too. It makes me jump at times, let alone the kids.

It's as if he sees himself as a father, not as a daddy - if that makes sense. He fulfills the role of a man who has children and is responsible for them and loves them in a general sense. But not a parent who is loving all the time. Does that make sense?

The DC are very loving towards me always. They can be a bit ambivalent towards DH.

[Lavenderfleurs]

He is making himself unapproachable. If he is like this now, how on earth does he expect his teenage children to approach him when there are real problems? I am always mindful of that with my dc, even though I can be a bit shouty sometimes . I nearly always apologise though even if they were really naughty leading up to it, unless outrageous naughtiness of course.

Not just that though, he sounds like he is sometimes unapproachable to you too, which is sad and in the end would make you be secretive. If the nice things you say are true do you think he would be sad to be percieved in that way. I would be.

Would he listen if you sat down and said to him your concerns just how you wrote it in that last post because you said some lovely things about him too?

Even when my ex was here I never allowed him to blame or bring "anyone to book", we used to have huge rows about it but I will not be bollocked at the age of 37 because I split a pot of chip shop curry sauce on the kitchen side.

[OrmIrian]

Thankyou so much lavender for your advice And everyone.

I don't know how to approach him TBH. When I've tried in the past it's usually been when we are in the throes of a row prompted by this very subject. He can't see it as a problem. I will have to tread carefully.