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The first moment you became aware of that churning in your stomach that is the result

(38 Posts)
Lavenderfleurs Sat 24-Oct-09 14:58:00

of being with an abusive man.

Sounds so small but it was when ds was about 8 weeks old. I was getting everything ready for us to go out for the morning, you know how much time that takes? All the while exh was standing there with a face like thunder while I packed Moses Basket, nappies, drink, wipes etc. Didn't lift a finger to help but I was rushing around because I knew he didn't like to be kept waiting. Eventually we got out, loaded the car etc. He was driving in a really tense, angry way. I asked what was wrong and he said really coldly "I am sick of hanging around waiting for you to get sorted, you love making me wait don't you?". He said that loads that I used to make him wait on purpose and loved making a meal out of getting ds ready.

There was loads of other stuff and it got much, much worse but that was how it all started.

mrsboogie Sat 24-Oct-09 15:07:01

probably because that was when it became apparent to him that there was someone else in your life who had to have your attention and love and it wasn't ever going to be all about him any more.....

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sat 24-Oct-09 18:26:18

yeah pathetic isn't it mrsboogie?

thank god he's your EXh OP!

Lavenderfleurs Sat 24-Oct-09 18:33:14

Do you think it was that? I always assumed that I became disgustingly unattractive to him after ds was born, I had put on loads of weight with the pregnancy and I always thought he just fell out of love with me. He has always made such a massive deal out of adoring his dc while making sure I knew how worthless I was.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sat 24-Oct-09 18:53:49

Lavender, whatever the supposed 'reason' behind his abuse, it was HIS EXCUSE.

Being jealous of your DC, abusing your wife because she had gained PG weight, all of that is bulls&*t. No real man thinks like that, no normal human being would feel that.

don't look for answers, don't try to rationalise the irrational, he is sick, he has a problem, you got out.

Don't give him a second thought, give only thanks that you got out when you did.

poshsinglemum Sat 24-Oct-09 19:54:58

He dosn't sound like a loss tbh. Enjoy your freedom and take as much time as you like!

mathanxiety Sat 24-Oct-09 21:38:22

So glad he's now in the Ex category. I got the same treatment after my first was born, and it's as clear as daylight now that it was insane jealousy on ExH's part. I let 17 years of grass grow under my feet before calling it a day, though. Yay for you smile

thesunshinesbrightly Sat 24-Oct-09 23:14:40

I went through a stage of getting fat on purpose so he would leave, as he hated fat women.

junglist1 Sun 25-Oct-09 10:14:57

I hated that nervy feeling, although I was never actually scared of him IYSWIM. If something got broke I used to worry about telling him. If he lost something I'd wish he'd hurry up and find it.

OrmIrian Sun 25-Oct-09 10:22:13

I've had it on and off for a few years. But DH isn't what you'd call a nasty man in any way just a bit impatient. I have come to the conclusion it's all in my head. I have to because no-one else who knew him would countenance the idea. And he is a good bloke.

Mamazonabroomstick Sun 25-Oct-09 10:24:53

i can't remember the moment.
it was such a long drawn out process of him breaking down the barriers of acceptable behaviour.

from what i thought was loving slight jealousy, to telling me what to wear or rather what not to. "advising" me who i shoudln't speak to. helping me by pointing out the bits of the housework i had missed or done incorrectly.

then i got pregnant and he knew he could up the anty.
arguments always involved him pushing me, grabbing me by the throat against the wall, shouting and spitting in my face.
thehy were always resolved by him deciding he was bored and wanted to have make up sex. whether i did or not.

the pushing and shoving turned to slaps, punches and kicks.
the sexual demands went from not so gentle persuasion for hours until i gave in, to just doing what he wanted whether i was crying and trying to get free or not.

and yet i was still convinced that this wasn't Dv at all.
that is how warped these men make your train of thought.

Mamazonabroomstick Sun 25-Oct-09 10:27:05

sunshines - i did that too. if a man looked at me he would kick off and when we got home i would be all the slags under the sun, i would have been deliberatly flirting with him, dressing provocativly or "giving him the come on"
i thought that if i got fat and ugly men wouldn't look at me.
I put on about 6 stone.

still havent lost it though sad

kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon Sun 25-Oct-09 10:35:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

serenity Sun 25-Oct-09 10:49:12

Stomach churning anxiety was the feature of my childhood. If I ever started getting that feeling with DH he'd be out. I learnt my lesson well </bitter emoticon>

serenity Sun 25-Oct-09 10:50:14

Oh and OMG, Mamazon is hot.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 25-Oct-09 10:52:34

Hey, I did the fat and ugly thing too. I found myself looking forward to getting old so I would so clearly be unattractive to other people. He didn't like fat women either, but I found the accusations of infidelity harder to take than him not liking me (mainly I think because the one was accusing me of thinking/doing things I jolly well wasn't, whilst the other was in his own head). Anyway he didn't go off sex however disgusting he said I was (he said it didn't matter because he remembered how nice I used to be, and was only saying it because he was concerned about my health). Unfortunately the accusations didn't stop. I said how come if I'm so fat and horrible other men would fancy me? He said "some people are peculiar". Well thanks for that, dear.

He would never have physically assaulted me - possibly because right at the beginning he tried tickling me, which I loathe, and was frightened out of his pathetic life by my furious reaction! - but he always got his own way because I knew he'd sulk for days and most likely withhold it when I was in the mood, if I didn't say yes. Sometimes the children were in the room at the time.

Eventually he lost "it" for a while, which he said was (a) because I was too fat to have sex with (completely untrue, I'd been a load fatter when I was pregnant and that never got in the way!) and (b) because he "knew" I was fantasising about another man and it put him off. This was kind of the last straw. I told him it was all over, threw him out of the bedroom, and started divorce proceedings. He went to the doctor's and got some Viagra. I told him what he could do with it.

Today I'm still overweight and past the first flush of youth, but I see somebody in the mirror who I like, wearing clothes I'm happy in. I can't believe that if I left my polo shirt unbuttoned - showing possibly an inch of lower neck - he'd kick off! Nowadays I occasionally show a tiny bit of cleavage. Radical.

Mamazonabroomstick Sun 25-Oct-09 11:07:09

oh he would tell me how fat and hideous i was. he would shout at me whilst forcing himself on me that i should be gratefull someone was willing to "fuck you you fat ugly cunt"

he would actually call DS ino the room to watch, telling him to watch what a dirty whore his mum is. he knew it would make me stop struggling so as not to frighten DS. poor boy was only 4 when we left so he would have been a toddler.

he is with someone else now. part of me wants to contact her and warn her what he's like. but his gf before me told me he had tried throwing her down the stairs but he and his mother made her out to be some sort of psycho.
i didn't believe her.
bloody wish i had now.

I hate the fact that i look like i do now, because of him. i have got a lot of my confidence back but i do mourn the body i had before him.

kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon Sun 25-Oct-09 11:09:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon Sun 25-Oct-09 11:10:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamazonabroomstick Sun 25-Oct-09 11:12:20

grin Korma. you can pervy wink at me anytime

Lavenderfleurs Sun 25-Oct-09 11:13:00

Mamazon that is just awful sad. My ex was never as bad as that. Poor you and your poor ds. So glad you are away from all of it.

kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon Sun 25-Oct-09 11:13:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamazonabroomstick Sun 25-Oct-09 11:22:48

thanks LF.
it was all pretty dire but i didn't even recognise it as DV.
I didn't leave for a long time because i was convinced that no one would help me as my story wasn't that bad.

Its taken me leaving and seeing things in perspective that io realise that yes, actually it was all pretty horrific.

our 5 year anniversary of being free is in less han a month. i am very much looking forward to it. i shall be taking my children out to a lovely restaurant and celebrating. they wont know why of course but i will. and i shall be wearing the lowest cut top and sluttiest earings i can find grin

Anniegetyourgun Sun 25-Oct-09 11:24:20

Looking around at other people's experiences, it seems that mine was like a weak, watered-down kind of abuse. Probably why it took me so long to identify it. He wasn't even very good at being nasty. Poor git. He's gradually starving himself to death in a house full of rubbish, dreaming of getting back with me (he says). So I can pay the bills, no doubt.

I can feel sorry for him, but I can't live with him. He's a damaged individual. Not like Mamazon's ex, who sounds totally evil and no doubt has a whole string of abused exes in his future as well as his past. #shudder#

labyrinthine Sun 25-Oct-09 11:30:00

Had a bit of this feeling last night felt a bit scared but could just be I am a bit of a wuss who hates nastiness and the like.
Like Ormirian have had this feeling sometimes over the years.

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