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I woke up and suddenly realised I no longer love my DP

(13 Posts)
DonotKnow Fri 23-Oct-09 19:50:51

Been with DP for 9 years with two DCs (5 and 6). My DP is a nice person but also a passive-agressive type and will never take a decision, leaving me all the responsibilities and as a result I am totally drained.
One morning last summer I woke up and suddenly realised I no longer loved him. Since then it's getting worth, I am now at the stage where all my resentment that built up over the years is coming out in a lot of anger. I don't want him near me (although not made love for two years anyway!).

I feel terribly guilty towards my kids, if we split I will move town (working there) and will remove them from their lovely house, school, friends.. I can't bare the thought of hurting them so much.
As any of you come across such a sudden change of mood towards your DP ? What did you do then ?

monkeypinkmonkey Fri 23-Oct-09 20:15:09

I don't have any advice but bump for you.

Fruitbatlings Fri 23-Oct-09 20:21:50

OMG, this is my DH!
You've hit the nail on the head, he is so passive agressive, why did I not realise before?

I am feeling the same but we only got married a month ago and also have 2 DCs, youngest is only 7 months old.
I never ever fancy sex and feel resentful quite a lot of the time. I was hoping my feelings might change.
He's also unreliable and immature which doesn't help matters.

My problem is I work from home as a childminder. He would never leave if we split up. He would certainly never leave his DCs.
Is there any way to get over this feeling?

pinkteddy Fri 23-Oct-09 20:24:53

Is the marriage worth fighting for? How does your DP feel about it? He must be concerned that you haven't had sex for 2 years! Have you thought about relate or similar? It sounds as though you have a lot to lose.

fishie Fri 23-Oct-09 20:26:49

being in a long term relationship with someone is bloody hard work and not always fun.

not having sex is bad though. where's your intimacy?

RedLeaves Fri 23-Oct-09 20:32:17

I don't think these feelings are particularly unusual in a relationship, especially one with young children to add to the strain.

What I think is that if you try relationship counselling first then that could really help. It will either mend your relationship by showing you both how to deal with your problems. Or it will show that things can't be fixed but will help you in your separation.

This would hopefully help in your guilt if you do have to split up.

Re the kids maybe some people will come on to tell you it will work out ok for them. DH and I have moved our kids from their familiar area but we are still together so it's not the double whammy you are worrying about. I'm a great believer in "it's not what you do but the way that you do" and therefore as you care deeply about your kids you will do your best to get them through and and be aware of their worries.

I'm sure there would be various benefits for them too that you could point out. However, if you try to fix things first this could help in all sorts of ways.

DonotKnow Fri 23-Oct-09 20:38:20

There is no intimacy left. We don't have sex because he can't get a hard on, so no "real" sex, so to speak.
Years ago I realised he spent most evenings surfing SM porn, even when I was in the same room (yuk!), and never told me until I actually found out (I posted about this a year ago). Nont only he lied about the porn surfing but also about his sexual preferences, I felt really cheated. He lied because he realised I was not into it but also because that cost him his last relationship. Since then, it has been very difficult to rebuild trust and without much trust, there is no much love left.
He also drinks a lot (most evenings and binge drinks occasionnaly) but does not want to confront it. He does not want to go to relate as he does not want to discuss privates matters with a councillor.

I guess his best strategy in life is to let things drag, until I eventually do it... I have no energy left! Yet.... the kids...

Fruitbatlings Fri 23-Oct-09 21:21:39

Donotknow, I don't know what to say really. Doesn't sound good. Do you think you could convince DP, for the sake of your relationship? Does he think it's worth saving?

Fruitbatlings Fri 23-Oct-09 21:22:06

to see a councillor I mean

DonotKnow Fri 23-Oct-09 21:39:33

I have tried, I guess our problem is that he won't face his own problems, before lying to me he is simply lying to himself. Drinking is a way to avoid facing himself. at this stage I feel I can no longer help him and counceling is our (and his) only chance. I went for councelling years ago and it really changed my life, I have talked to him ab out it but I have not forced the issue, he has heard what I said.

Really don't know what to do, I think deep down he is sad but can't help himself.

lilylu22 Sat 24-Oct-09 10:54:29

My mother realized she felt the same about my father when I was about 2.

She had my sister after that for some inexplicable reason. My earliest memories are her being unhappy and resentful toward my father.

They split when I was 11 - they best years of my childhood followed. I had a house 1/3 of the size of our family home - and we couldn't afford for me to go on any school excursions or have new clothes very regularly.

It didn't matter.

DonotKnow Sat 24-Oct-09 17:05:11

Thanks Lily2,

I suppose i need to make the change and see from there onwards, I thought i could put up with it and I did for two years, you are right, i need to look at the impact on our kids.

lilylu22 Sun 25-Oct-09 12:00:02

It will take a lot of courage I am sure - but IMO it will be worth it, things can only get better!

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