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husband leaving me - help

(15 Posts)
alliwannado Fri 23-Oct-09 11:37:18

My husband told me last night that he is leaving. Hes been really down and not communicating, I thought it was about job insecurity but turns out to be he is very unhappy (noone else involved). I have got alot of emotions going on right now but my main worry is how to pay mortgage etc. I work less than 16hrs a week in the eve because I have 2 children to look after in the day. What shall I do, where do I go? mortgage is in joint names and is repayment one. Help, how can I get money to carry on and pay mortgage/bills etc? I don't want to have to leave my home with kids. I will have to give up my job because I don't have anyone to look after the kids now. Dont know what to do.
Has this happened to anyone else? what should I be doing?

AbricotsSecs Fri 23-Oct-09 11:40:51

Message withdrawn

Tortington Fri 23-Oct-09 11:40:54

i think you should go and see the CAB. you need to assess your current financial situation and see what intrest relief you may or maynot be entited to

you need to then get them to calculate how much you will be on if you see your circumstances as being FT SAHM.

the main priority at this point is to get information as a baseline fromw hich to base your decisions.

yes the emotions are horrible terrible and its an awful situation.

you must research adn get your finances sorted first.

you could ring shelter england - they have an advice line - to get some basic information and help.

you must also consider what would happen if you have to sell your home. the govt will not give you relief forever ( i don't think) so this is a v. real possibility.

countingto10 Fri 23-Oct-09 11:45:27

Do you think your H will respond to/go to counselling, Relate or similar. The finances will wait for a couple of days. You need to sort your head out a bit. Has he said why he is unhappy ? and how to you feel? What age are the DC ? Do you want to save the marriage ?

alliwannado Fri 23-Oct-09 11:58:04

DC are 5 and 9. Not sure how I feel really. I love him so much but not in a loving sparky way. That left us ages ago but we have just plodded on. Theres no bad feelings between us but just not inlove anymore. Think if honest we stay together for kids and it isn't that bad............. has suited us so far but suppose he wants something more for himself really. I am very very upset but can't say I blame him, I don't love him to bits and theres no spark. I carry on for stability for kids etc and theres no arguments or anything, we are like best friends or brother sister but not husband/wife. No bad feelings......... do we try and carry on or is he right to get out.

countingto10 Fri 23-Oct-09 12:12:54

Suggest Relate to him. It's not just there to help couples stay together but to help them communicate etc. To find out what's going on, real feelings behind everything etc.

My DH upped and left about 6 months ago, convinced himself he didn't love me, pressure of family, business, finances etc. Transpired he was having an affair but that was a sympton of everything else going on and his mental state. We were/our marriage was a volcano and it erupted. Anyway we've had 4 months counselling at Relate and things couldn't be better between us. We are still a work in progress but even our therapist couldn't believe how far we have come and my DH was adamant that he wanted out of the marriage and didn't love at all.

You probably need some real open honesty between yourselves because me and my DH completely shutdown on the communication (well DH more than me) and we never had open frank honesty between us at all in the marriage, until now. Nothing is hidden even if we may hurt each others feelings with our frankness. It has to be that way now.

The counselling opens a path to honesty in a secure, safe environment with a third party helping to get points of views across when maybe, sometimes, we don't explain ourselves properly if that makes sense.

Good luck.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 23-Oct-09 14:16:08

Really sorry this has happened to you. Like Counting, I think it's best to let the shock and emotions come out before dealing with practical issues and finances.

I think in all probability there IS someone else for your DH. How would that make you feel?

You've been very honest about what's led up to this - do you think there is any chance of those "in love" feelings returning in you, for your DH?

Does you heart break about losing HIM or at losing the "family set-up"?

If you can honestly say that you aren't traumatised at losing him as a person, then really, he's been the brave one here, asking to leave. No-one should live in a marriage without love and passion - and that includes you.

I wouldn't rush to counselling until you know the full picture though. IME men never leave without having someone waiting in the wings. Sometimes it's a relationship that has already started - and sometimes it's for a relationship that they want to start. Many people delude themselves that they are being ethical leaving a relationship before committing a physical act with someone else, but the truth is far more complex. If he's let someone into his head - he might as well have let them into his bed.

I hope you've got RL support. In your position, I would carry on being as fair and non-judgemental as you sound, and sit down with DH and ask him to be honest with you. If there is someone else, it's much better that you know.

countingto10 Fri 23-Oct-09 14:29:00

Second what Whenwill said, my DH left me before having sex with OW as he thought it wouldn't count as an affair and therefore he wouldn't be cheating on me - made absolute sense to him at the time.....

poshsinglemum Sat 24-Oct-09 22:17:33

I'm sorry he has decided this. Surely he owes you money? He can't not provide surely?

alliwannado Sun 25-Oct-09 13:05:31

well hes done it. gone. kids dont know. got to say something to them today

biggirlsdontcry Sun 25-Oct-09 13:22:32

oh alliwannado , i am so sorry you are going through this sad
is there anyway that both of you can talk to the children together ? i think it would be better for them to hear this from both of you that way you can both reassure them that you will both still be there for them . could it be that your dh just needs a bit of space to sort his head out ? x

saintmaybe Sun 25-Oct-09 13:22:59

how're you doing, alli?

alliwannado Sun 25-Oct-09 21:01:31

Been strange. feeling sick. feel like crying all the time but I have been strong and not let on. Took kids to the park and acted normal........ got to think of the kids and not myself (thats what I keep telling myself). Have told kids hes workin for few nights etc but think midwek when hes in a fit state we will tell kids. He said he does need to sort head out but I just think thats just talk, prolonging it. Pain either way.
I'm just panickin about bills/mortgage etc and how/whats going to happen. I think I need to get benefits to live and pay bills but they wont pay mortgage will they (its joint repayment). Got to sort finances out. I have no money because I gave up my career a few yrs ago to look after kids. Took a crappy min wage job for few hrs a week but thats in the evening so that will have to go now too. Where do you go to get benefits? etc.

clam Sun 25-Oct-09 21:51:16

Erm... so he's just upped and gone. Left his kids. Did he have any suggestions before he went as to how they should be provided for financially?

(So sorry to hear this for you as well. But although you seem to have seen it coming, it doesn't mean he can just go and leave you to clean up, surely?)

saintmaybe Sun 25-Oct-09 22:08:31

Is he not tking any financial responsibility? Just because he's not living there, surely everything doesn't now fall on you?

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