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AIBU (bedwetting dh)

(26 Posts)
mrsupsydaisy Thu 22-Oct-09 21:15:46

just a quick one - Am I being as unreasonable as he says I am to refuse to share a bed with him when he has been drinking (most nights)? I think I'm being extremely reasonable BTW as he doesn't HAVE to drink!

He doesn't wet it often, probably less than once a year say, but always after alcohol. And I didn't 'appreciate' his behaviour towards me after the most recent. This means I lie awake when he has been drinking, so now I sleep on the sofa. I daren't ask anyone's opinion in real life as it seems like I 'm breaking a confidence.

QueenOfFrighteningEveryone Thu 22-Oct-09 21:20:51

YANBU and it is something he needs to deal with.

I had a partner when I was younger who used to wet the bed at least once a week. It was something I never spoke about at the time and its only in retrospect that I saw just how awful it was. I was existing in a bit of a warped reality tbh. I felt ashamed and of course I had no reason to, but I did.

What was his 'behaviour' if you don't mind my asking? My ex used to get v v arsey about it afterwards if I said anything, presumably out of shame.

You don't have to put up with it. Really. It is shit.

lighters Thu 22-Oct-09 21:22:36

bloody hell, this is a bit heavy for me, but you're bloke sounds like a wrong 'un

DuelingFANGo Thu 22-Oct-09 21:23:23

YANBU. My ex once pissed in my chest of drawers shock.

I think he should be the one sleeping on the sofa. You poor thing sad

mrsupsydaisy Thu 22-Oct-09 21:25:27

I'd rather not discuss his 'behaviour' just yet, just this as there is no way I could have misconstrued or misremembered this IYKWIM. And I don't want to influence any comments. Sorry.

mrsupsydaisy Thu 22-Oct-09 21:26:43

but he'll be home very soon, so I'm going to namechange back and will reply tomorrow, but am still VERY interested to read everyone's opinions.

HeadFairy Thu 22-Oct-09 21:27:37

Blimey no YANBU. If anyone drinks to the point where they can't control their bladder then they have to accept the consequences, ie sleeping on the sofa when they are in that state, clearing up any mess they make, being ridiculously humble about it all, and actually trying to do something about it as it's not acceptable behaviour.

onepieceoflollipop Thu 22-Oct-09 21:28:24

My exp did this and because it is so personal I never told anyone in rl. He always acted like I was being "unreasonable" if I mentioned it. The cleaning up etc was always left to me, there was never any apology as of course it was me who had the problem. hmm

The problem was alcohol with him, in retrospect he had many issues, one of which being he was an alcoholic. At the time I was "in love" and put up with too much.

Seems a lifetime ago now.

lighters Thu 22-Oct-09 21:29:06

concur, Head

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 22-Oct-09 22:00:36

Is he still reasonable enough for you to be able to tell him that if he insists on getting this drunk, he can bloody well wear incontinence pants to bed?

lighters Thu 22-Oct-09 22:04:21

Was once invited - as an after dinner speaker - to make an emotive appeal at an incontinence seminar.

There wasnt a dry aisle in the house!

gdives Thu 22-Oct-09 23:24:11

My DH very occasionally used to wet the bed when we were younger and far more adventurous in our drinking habits. Sometimes he would make it to the laundry basket. We always laughed about it. I only make him kip on the sofa when I can't bear his hungover, twitching, gasping, sweaty body beside me.

So, you sleep on the sofa on the off-chance that tonight might be the one night in a year or more that he pisses himself? A teensy BU and slightly martyred IMO, sorry.
He surely doesn't get that drunk every night? And if he does then I would say the drinking is a more serious problem than the bed-wetting.
Sounds like there is more going on here.

@lighters ROFpissingML grin

MmeGoblindt Thu 22-Oct-09 23:51:59

It sounds like the bed wetting, while distressing for you, is just a symptom of a much larger problem. Namely, his drinking and his treatment of you. I am assuming he is a heavy drinker?

YANBU to not want to share a bed with him.

gdives Fri 23-Oct-09 09:36:14

I'm sorry mrsupsydaisy, have reread my post this morning and I don't feel I struck the right note last night. Apologies if I came across a little hard-nosed.
I meant rather, it sounds like you are unhappy and using the bedwetting, unfortunate as it is, as a reason to not share a bed with your DH on a day-to-day basis. Do you think that he has a drinking problem and he doesn't? Is this causing friction in which the bed-wetting is the one concrete thing you can complain about as he otherwise refuses to accept he has a problem?
If this is true then I'm afraid I have no idea how you can move forward as I don't have any experience in this situation. Even if this is wide of the mark, I feel sad for you that you feel you cannot share the intimacy of sleeping in the same bed with your DH.

onepieceoflollipop Fri 23-Oct-09 13:42:33

Any update op?

AllFallDown Fri 23-Oct-09 13:59:25

If he wets the bed less than once a year, then YABU to sleep elsewhere for fear if it. If the bedwetting is a symptom of another problem, then the other problem is what you need to deal with and it's very possible YANBU.

mrsupsydaisy Fri 23-Oct-09 16:47:09

Hi, I've just got in, and am just mulling over what everybody has said, but here is the other info I promised - he had drunk maybe 3 large bottles of strong lagers, which he assures me is not a lot and fairly normal for a week night (what does everyone think?). This is why I am now much edgier about it than before, in the past he had actually been drunk. I think it was this combined with tiredness (obviously not his fault but a normal part of life for us both!) that caused him to wet the bed.

His behaviour afterwards - apologetic & confused to begin with, but then he asked why I thought it had happened, so I said sleepily "alcohol and tiredness". This was when things changed and he started shouting at me, calling me all the names possible. When I eventually (was still very sleepy) interrupted and told him it was his own responsibility to monitor his own drinking, and clean up his own mess, and it wasn't my fault! he pointed the antibacterial spray into my face, hand on trigger glaring at me until I shut up.

I'm glad to say that I have never cleaned up after him though.

DorotheaPlentighoul Fri 23-Oct-09 17:15:26


warthog Fri 23-Oct-09 17:48:49

awful behaviour.

onepieceoflollipop Fri 23-Oct-09 17:52:19

Obviously all individuals are different, but with my ex he continually justified his drinking, i.e. that 6 pints (or whatever) was "normal" for a weeknight, it was me that was uptight/had a problem etc.

The drinking (and the resulting "problem") got worse.

His behaviour sounds quite aggressive, is he like this usually?

I don't know how many units in 3 large bottles, if by large you mean 2 litres then it is a lot.

If you have small children then be extra cautious if they ever bed share with you. Not because of the wetting but if he is so out of it that he doesn't even wake to use the loo then he could injure a small child if he rolled on them etc. (hope you don't mind me saying this, it just worried me) not worth the risk obviously.

CantThinkofFunnyName Fri 23-Oct-09 17:58:11

YANBU. My DH can drink v heavily when out "with the lads" and now, finally (!) knows NOT to come to the marital bed when he has been out drinking, it just causes too many rows and usually he goes into such a deep sleep that he cannot even feel me in the bed which means he has in the past rolled on top of me - or tried to push me out the bed shock - not what I need when heavily pg.

LauraIngallsWilder Fri 23-Oct-09 18:03:03

mrsupsydaisy - that is awful behaviour from a child, appalling by a man to his wife shock

Has he been that aggressive towards you before?

I wouldnt be able to cope if a man behaved like that to me - Id have to consider getting rid

mrsupsydaisy Fri 23-Oct-09 19:42:37

I'm a bit shock at him pushing you off the bed when heavily pregnant CantThinkof, hope he didnt realise what he was doing! Good he's finally(!) got it though.

Yes he has been like that before LauraIW, more than a few times.

mrsupsydaisy Fri 23-Oct-09 19:44:19

lollipop, I don't mind, I was always very careful to move the children over to my side as soon as they'd gone to sleep. fortunately they are growing out of that stage now.

monkeypinkmonkey Fri 23-Oct-09 20:08:04

shock at aggressive behaviour. I really would not like to be treated like that and would suggest tackling the issues rather than focusing on the bed wetting.

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