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what's normal ? am in pieces please help

(10 Posts)
seth Thu 22-Oct-09 09:47:30

my husband and I hadn't been getting on for a while (6 months -ish) and I suspected him of an affair - I confronted him and he said that he has "probably got too close to' someone from work over the last 12 months but this is not the main reason he is unhappy and does not have a bearing on him leaving. He said that it's over, does not want to go to counselling and I asked him to leave that evening if there was no chance of us reconciling things. That was almost a week ago and we have had one phone call about our 2 yr old daughter - He just kept talking about needing space. I am still numb with shock and barely functioning - Just about manage to keep it together to take my daughter to the childminder in the morning and pick her up. I know we need to talk - mainly about our daughter but I don;t know what's normal in terms of how often he sees here. I quite often hear of every other weekend but is that norma ? Good for the child ? I am trying not to let my bitterness get in the way of ay decisions as she is the most important thing here but equally surely if he has made the decision to walk out of our home and leave us then he should have to deal with the consequences ? He adores our daughter and it would kill him not to see her at least once a week but isn't that something that he should have to live with, as I have to live with the fact that my life has just fallen apart ?

piratecat Thu 22-Oct-09 09:53:10

god i am really sorry, my heart goes out to you sweetheart (un mn but i don't care), cos i have been there.

Go slowly, go steady. With regards to your dd I would say that seing daddy as much as possible is the best for her.

it won't be for you, however. It's hard and it hurts. Yet let things settle and maybe you can talk.

if he really doesn't want to come back, then you have to make some rules. It is really easy to fall back into the same roll, as a 'wife', and be allowing him to come and go as he pleases.

The way they just stroll into the house like nothing has happened, is very tricky, becuase your heart is in one place and your head in another.

I think you can rely on suport here.

sunshiney Thu 22-Oct-09 09:55:40

poor you, this sounds so distressing. have you got family and friends who are supporting you through this?
in terms of your question, i don't know what would be classed as normal, but i think what you say about your daughter being the most important thing is what you need to focus on. I don't think she could ever see too much of her dad, even though facilitating that could bring you resentment. I really hope things get better for you very soon.

Booooooooooyhoo Thu 22-Oct-09 09:59:46

no, his relationship with his daughter should not suffer because he needs space from you.

he is her parent as equally as you are. unless you think he poses a risk to her which i assume you would have mentioned, then he should see her as often as possible.

i know how hard it is to see him when you are in so much pain, ive done it, its bloody hard, but your daughter needs daddy as much as mummy.

ask him what his thoughts are on it, does he want to see her every weeekend or for a few nights during the week? could you do 50:50 care? its not importants what is 'normal' for anyone else, its important that your daughter maintains a healthy relationship with both parents.

he doesnt deserve to be punished for being honest about his emotions and feelings for you, thats the sort of thing that makes people stay together just for the sake of the kids.

but i do understand exactly what you are going through, it will take a lot of strengh on your part to get to the point where there is no bitterness.

ginnny Thu 22-Oct-09 10:04:16

I'm so sorry! Its awful isn't it.
I would say that you decide how often you think he should see her, tell him when its convenient for you and how you want him to arrange it(ie, take her out, see her at your house, whatever) and its up to him to follow your rules. He walked out so he loses the right to come and go as he pleases.
The most important thing is consistency so that as she grows up she will know exactly when she is seeing him and can trust that he will turn up when he is supposed to etc.
You sound like you are coping well under the circumstances and focussing on your dd will help you to get through this.
Good luck.

Booooooooooyhoo Thu 22-Oct-09 10:06:31

second that ginny, consistency is very important.

Tillyscoutsmum Thu 22-Oct-09 10:11:35

So sorry you are going through this sad

I can completely understand why you might feel the need to "punish" him for his actions but you obviously know deep down, that it wouldn't be best for your dd and ultimately, you are going to have to be the bigger person and facilitate the best relationship you can (even though he is the bastard that has torn your life apart sad)

The "norm" in terms of access (i.e. the starting point most courts would grant, all things being equal) would be every other weekend and one night per week. Obviously, the more you can agree amicably between you, the better.

SolidGhoulBrass Fri 23-Oct-09 09:52:10

Do you have a friend/relative who can be supportive without being a hostile twat about it, ie someone who can do handovers if it is too painful for you but someone with the sense and maturity to keep everythig utterly calm and neutral rather than slagging H off ot his face or in front of DD.
You will get through this and, awful though it feels now, in years to come you will probably feel glad that he was ethical enough to be honest with you rather than having affairs behind your back.

OrmIrian Fri 23-Oct-09 09:55:45

sad

So sorry.

But don't punish him through your DD. It's not fair on her.

EcoMouse Fri 23-Oct-09 10:10:26

As SGB says although if you do not have such a friend/family member close by then maybe you could make arrangements for him to collect/drop off with child minder when he has contact.

Regular, often and consistent contact seems to be the most easy for children to manage. Whatever communication you do have regarding contact, I would suggest doing in writing so there is a record of your efforts.

Suggesting a review in six months (or less) is a way to ensure that you and he will revisit your arrangement and address any issues.

Try to look on contact time as your time to do things for you rather than feeling bitter than he is having more than he deserves. If you can create a positive out of this negative, it will feel a little easier

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