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More sex advice please!

(19 Posts)
GenuineLurker Wed 21-Oct-09 21:37:30

Or maybe should say 'lack of sex' advice.

I've been reading lots of posts recently about women whose partners have gone off sex, so thought i'd throw my sorry situation into the mix.I met someone a few months ago,hit it off straightaway,loved spending time together,etc.For the first month or so things were really passionate,we didn't actually have proper sex (to begin with was lots of reasons - he didn't stay over for first few weeks,I have small kids,then when he did stay I had my period).We tried about 5 or 6 times I'd say over the next month or two,but every time he couldn't keep it up - he got more and more embarased and eventually just stopped showing me any affection.

Tried to talk about it with him but it was like a blank wall,he just said he wasn't in the mood and didn't know why.He said he was scared of being affectionate to me incase I expected it to lead to sex.He assured me that he fancied me,but I was obviously upset and because he wouldn't talk to me I just kept thinking that it must be that he didn't find me attractive enough.

Anyway I finished it after 5 months cos I was so strssed and upset all the time,although we still got on great in every way other than that we weren't having sex.I am 99.9% sure he wasn't getting it elsewhere,we saw each other a lot and when we didn't we'd chat on the phone.

That was 2 months ago, we've stayed in touch and recently been talking/texting pretty much every day.I still have really strong feelings for him and would love for it to work out but is there really any way forward?I can't/won't be in a relationship without sex,but i badly want to be with him.I don't know how he feels,we've kept the chatting to just friendly stuff,although when i first ended it he wanted us to keep trying and said he would try and change.

He's fantastic with my kids (single mum of 4) they adored him and vice versa.That was part of my reason for ending it though as I hated the idea of them getting hurt if he wasn;t really serious about me.

Some of my mates say he was stringing me along,but why stay with me and spend pretty much all his time with me if he didnt fancy me?He's a good looking guy so surely he'd have wanted to find someone who he did fancy if i didn't fit the bill.

Would really appreciate some honest advise and opinions,I want to tell him I want to try again but am scared of a) being rejected or b) it just being how it was before.

luciemule Wed 21-Oct-09 22:00:24

Have you asked him outright why he stopped initiating anything or directly asking him about the 'staying up' problem.
Was he in a relationship before he met you; could he be feeling guilty about having sex so soon after a previous relationship or something? Perhaps he thought your kids might walk in etc. I reckon there are lots of things that could be easily solved that might be playing on his mind and it might bot mean that he's being negative towards you but simply that he's worried about starting a full on relationship. The fact that he said he wanted to keep trying probably means there's something worrying him but that he hasn't told you yet. Why not ask him out for a drink and try to get him to open up a bit more. Perhaps it will be easily solved.

ScaryFucker Wed 21-Oct-09 22:05:29

If you are having sex problems so early in a relationship, and sex is something you find really important, then I would let him go, tbh

I cannot see what will have changed

Whatever problem he had seems well-buried and not your responsibilty to work through with him. Especially as he has been less than open with you

New relationships don't need this kind of pressure (do any of them ??)

I think if he had been honest from the start, there would be a chance

But picking up where you left off just seems daft to me

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 22-Oct-09 00:14:29

He's almost certainly got a willy problem (either erectile dysfunction due to something like medications he's on or underlying health issues, or a psychological one in that his willy wilted on him a time or two and now he's terrified of it happening again) - but the bigger problem is he's too embarrassed, self-conscious or scared to actually deal with it.

You could maybe give him one more try but you have to have a talk with him and say that sex matters to you, and (try not to be too specific if you want to spare his feelings) you'd kind of like to know if it's something that is simply unimportant to him, or if there is something he'd like to tell you about or get help with.

lou33 Thu 22-Oct-09 00:22:33

i think you really do need to ask him outright about this to know how to progress

there is also the option that he may actually still be a virgin

i have a friend who is now in his early 30's and a really lovely guy, who has had gf's and been able to do everything but penetrative sex, at which point he just has some kind of psychological block and cant do it

he doesnt even know why himself, but i think part of the problem is that he has made it into such a big deal in his head himself

the only way you are going to be able to work this out is by being honest and telling him your concerns and asking him possibly uncomfortable questions, to get to the bottom of it and decide what to do from there

GenuineLurker Fri 23-Oct-09 17:50:59

Thankyou everyone. I appreciate your replies and hearing different points of view. I think I'm finding it hard to just move on from him because everything else was so good between us and we both want the same sort of things, !'ve been single for 18 months since my husband left and he split up with his wife nearly 3 years ago. We both want to settle down,have similar interestes,never argued,had such a laugh together and there was lots of kissing and cuddling until the last few weeks when he purposefully stopped because he was avoiding the issue.

His main problem was that he just wouldn't talk about it,when I tried to start a convo about it he'd clam up and give really short answers. I have a feeling it has been an ongoing problem and maybe stems from a past r'ship. I think the being terrified thing that you mentioned SolidGhoul is possibly it,he did get very embarassed when we tried and it didn't happen.

Oh well I am going to bite the bullet and talk to him about it,risk making a fool of myself as I don't even know if he still has feelings for me,he may just want us to be friends. In which case at least I will know and be able to move on.

Fizzfiend Sat 24-Oct-09 22:18:01

This is a real problem. The major problem is that he won't talk about it. I can understand a guy getting a notion that it's not going to happen, then slippery slope for sex. But if he's not willing to talk about this very very important subject, he's not going to want to talk about anything.

It's so easy for us to make these easy comments, but you're in love with him. Talk to him...go all out and try and make him talk. Or I would say that's pretty much the end....GL!

DonotKnow Sat 24-Oct-09 22:36:44


Let me give you my experience: have had "sex problems" with my Dp of 9 years from the start, it gradually went worst and worst until we stopped making love. He would not talk really about it, he drinks heavily, but I don't think that's the only answer. My partner has a general impossibility to talk about things, and now shuts like an oyster not only when it comes to talk about sex, others matters too. It's a nightmare despite the fact that we have a lot in common and he is a good dad.
I thought I could put up with no sex, and I did for two years, unfortunately my libido has now woken up, I suspect I will eventually cheat on him simply because I want affection and would kill to have intercourse with a man. I suppose I will leave my DP soon. I doubt your situation will improve unless he decides to open up, if there is no sign of this, you have four kids and a busy life and I am not sure you need this unecessary worry over your shoulders.

bosch Sat 24-Oct-09 22:48:17

GenuineL - my last few bf's before I married had similar problems to your ex/b/f. Both went on to marry, have children and are, I believe, very happy. Both had been long out of the sack when we went out, and I felt enormously rejected by their inability to achieve/maintain an erection. I think their next girlfriends and soon to be wifes were a lot more patient/understanding/confident than me.

As it happens, I'm now in the process of having counselling for my own lack of sex drive and some of the things the counsellor has helped me and dh with - like giving us permission to enjoy what we like and not feel pressure to enjoy things that we don't like; or reminding us about all the things that are not full sex but are enjoyable/fullfilling; has been enormously helpful.

Actually, there are a lot of things that you can do the are FAR more intimate than having sex and that you are both likely to enjoy/be successful at (please don't make me spell out in detail blush).

If you think he's right and the one for you, don't give up on him yet. Good luck.

sincitylover Sat 24-Oct-09 23:27:34

Could he be addicted to porn or diy because I have been with someone who appeared to have probs (strangely mainly in the evening and not in the morning)plus also a severe reluctance to come sad

Maybe an amateur diagnosis on my part (was never discussed)but wondered whether some men get into habit of coming thru above methods then can cut it with rl sex?

sincitylover Sat 24-Oct-09 23:28:29

can't cut it I meant

sincitylover Sat 24-Oct-09 23:36:05

also had exh who didn't want sex so have little patience for men with such issues given wasted so much time in sexless marriage

I know what that does to a woman's self esteem

mathanxiety Sun 25-Oct-09 05:23:17

Sincitylover, you may be on to something in your diagnosis. And I agree wholeheartedly with your comment about the damage to a woman's self esteem. OP, don't dismiss the issue of sexual incompatibility, and look on his clamming up about the problem as a big red flag.

TDiddy Sun 25-Oct-09 07:12:33

Apparently all of us have a fall off in sex drive sometime around late 30s/early 40s. Those who are physically fit have more of a gradual fall off? Also, men who have always liked sex will use all the tricks in the box to add to the performance?

Suggest jogging or playing sport together which will help- also helps with bonding in the relationship.

TDiddy Sun 25-Oct-09 07:19:32

Thinking about it he probably needs to go to the GP as it could be a symptom for all sorts: diabetes,prostate problems.

Try having nice bath together and agreeing in advance that you will "play" with each other BUT WILL NOT go all the way. That takes off the pressure and should make him relax and can do the trick. wink

radtink Mon 26-Oct-09 01:19:36

My DP had an occasional performance issue, so I have to give him credit and some guys just are too damn stubborn to go to the doctor, but he went. They put him on viagra, this is awesome stuff, its a miracle worker! So the past year he has actually cut down to 1/4 of a pill now and again, viagra is a wonderful pill and it enhances everything so much, but you have to get him to seek help to help hisself. Unfortunately my DP just had heart surgery and is on NITRO pills so we cant use it for a few months, make sure there is never nitroglycerin involved within 24 hours of taking this pill, its deadly. Get him to go to the doc!

lilacclaire Mon 26-Oct-09 01:25:34

I just wouldn't go there tbh.
If he's having problems now, its not going to get any better.
I've been with my dp for 4 years and am seriously thinking of leaving him due to his now lack of interest in sex.
I only wish I had known this at the start of the relationship, now if I go through with it i'll be breaking up a family and breaking the kids hearts and if I don't im stuck in a frustrating resentful relationship.

radtink Mon 26-Oct-09 01:40:00

lilacclaire: Dont blame yourself, he is the one that is lacking in sex, marriage is about communication and intimacy. He isnt pulling his weight. You have needs, its only human to want them to be fulfilled and to be physically close to your partner, this is not something you would have known earlier. My sister and her hubby before they were married and the first 5 years of their marriage had a crazy wild sex life. 10 years into their marriage he quit wanting it altogether, he went to the doctor, got meds, used them for a while and now its been 2 years since they last had sex! Its selfish to deprive your partner from normal needs and its damaging to your self-esteem, if your husband loves you, he will take care of your needs, dont put the blame on yourself!

TDiddy Mon 26-Oct-09 23:08:47

lilacclaire- sorry to hear.

Sex a weapon of marriage destruction! Hope that you can both empathise with the other and work through it.

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