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I need a pep talk as I am being very silly......

(40 Posts)
SprocketAndTubbs Wed 21-Oct-09 21:33:05

I have been more or less single since my son was born 6 years ago, but after much talking to by my friends, I joined a dating agency and was very excited to meet a lovely man.

He is a single dad and has a little boy of 5. After much e-mailing and texting we finally met up a few weeks ago. We were both terrified about seeing each other in real life, but we quickly overcame that and ended up chatting as if we had known each other for years. Rather embarrasingly, we both struggle with finding child care, so both boys came along too and got on fantastically well. (Sadly I think I may have caught a glimpse of what it may be like to be part of a little family and realised how much I have always wanted this).

To cut a long story short, we have continued to text and phone each other, although if I am honest, it now tends to be me that texts or calls first (we speak every couple of days). I have asked him if it's o.k to still contact him and he answers me as if I have asked a silly question, i.e. 'Of course you can?!' and he always texts straight back or returns my calls, so I thought he may be interested, which quite frankly I was really happy about, as I think he is lovely!!

He told me that he was still occasionally checking the dating website but was only ever on for five minutes a night and that as soon as his membership expired he would call it a day.

Last night I was working on my laptop and signed into the website for the first time in a while. I noticed that he was online and didn't think anything of it, however 2 hours later he was still online and tonight he has been logged on for 1.5 hours. sad

I am the first person to admit that I have been a complete stalker by checking up on him and my only excuse is that I was so weary of being hurt or cheated on again. I text him tonight to say hello and he responded immediately with lots of nice words, etc. while still being online on the dating website).

I am so gutted as I thought that he was a genuine guy. I also feel soooo pathetic, as I have only known him 2 months and there are so many other MNetters who have been much stronger than me in much worse circumstances than only knowing somebody for a short space of time.

So please, give me a pep talk and tell me to pull myself together. I have deleted his number from my phone, next time he can be the one to contact me first. He was so lovely, the whole package, not perfect, but perfect for me?

I know I have no right to be looking him up so early into getting to know him, but I got sucked in and have been proved right? What is there to do on a dating website for 2 hours anyway? How many other ladies must he be in contact with?!

Thank you for reading. I hate feeling sorry for myself but good men are very hard to find here!! smile

MerryWifeOfWindsor Wed 21-Oct-09 21:37:59

He may have logged in and be watching TV. It's an odd situation, you are both still single really. Take it for what it is IMO, enjoy the dates without over thinking things, maybe just keep yourself back abit until it becomes something exclusive. He hasn;t lied, he could be insecure , he could just be keeping his options open a bit... I wouldn;t delete his no. for this, but just take it easy

ScaryFucker Wed 21-Oct-09 21:41:56

what merry said

GhoulishFan Wed 21-Oct-09 21:42:10

proved right in what though? did you agree to become an "item" and only see each other?

If not, he's well within his "rights" to go on the site still.... imo

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Wed 21-Oct-09 21:44:42

OK, here goes.

How exactly do you know he is perfect for you? Not being rude, but you hardly know this man. The whole reason people date and have relationships is find that out over a period of time. You can't just decide it and that's that. Time.....give yourself time, stand back, take it slowly.

As for him being on the dating site. Well for one, he has been honest about it and told you this is the case, this is a positive thing.

However, you are not in an exclusive relationship with this man. I am really sorry for being direct. He doesn't owe you anything and on the same note, you don't owe him anything either.

If you want the situation to develop further, then you have to bite the bullet and tell him how you feel, rather than silently going in the huff with him. Start as you mean to go on, no games and tell him what you're looking for and if that is different from his idea, then you have your answer. You aren't gonna find out what he is like until you actually spend some decent quality time with him, never mind this 'perfect' malarky already.

Good luck and best wishes.

LauraIngallsWilder Wed 21-Oct-09 21:48:29

How do you KNOW he was looking at that site for 2 hours though

I regularly log into a website at 7:30 spend ages looking at loads of other websites and then go back to the first one and have a look - I dont think you can tell what anyone is up to unless you are in the room with them

Why not wait for him to call you and arrange another date - he will if he is interested in you

If you continue to watch what he is up to online he will think you are stalking him!

Summertimefizz Wed 21-Oct-09 21:55:16

I agree with MWOW, he's probably totally unaware how you are feeling at the moment and is just enjoying having dates, texts, conversations etc...

Try not to ruin what seems like a potential 'good thing' and

SprocketAndTubbs Wed 21-Oct-09 21:55:19

Thank you Merry, Scary and Ghoulish, exactly as you say we are very much still single and the t.v / being on another website at the same time thing did go through my head. I suppose what makes me nervous is that I am willing this relationship / friendship to fail from the very start by being neurotic (sp?) and thinking the worst. I have had lots of bad experiences with men and need to put them behind me. Also, meeting a new man is a rare treat for me. I need to get over myself but my heart always rules my head.

We have so much in common and get along fine, I suppose I can't believe my luck. He has every right to check the website without me checking up on him, but I don't know how I can stop myself from being so paranoid. blush

Tryharder Wed 21-Oct-09 21:57:26

It sounds like he likes you but is not really interested in a romantic/serious relationship.

IME, if a man is seriously interested, he will be the one doing the calling/emailing.
I think you are right to delete his number particularly as you are clearly aware that your feelings for him are stronger and that he doesn't really seem to reciprocate.

SprocketAndTubbs Wed 21-Oct-09 22:06:07

Sorry Squeezy, Laura and Summertime, cross posts. You're right, the 'perfect' thing is a bit overkill. What I mean is that we are similar ages and have the same hobbies / interests, which are fairly unusual hobbies, etc. to have. We live in the same area, we can both talk for England, we both have small boys and I felt that there was that something there, BUT reading this thread back through, I am realising how I must appear - i.e. desperate!! so, just writing this down tonight has helped me take stock and look at my behaviour, etc. rather than his.

All I can say is that bringing up my 6 year old, as much as I adore him to pieces, has been a very lonely experience for me and I have maybe placed too much emphasis on this new found person being a chance for me to turn things around. smile

SprocketAndTubbs Wed 21-Oct-09 22:14:05

Tryharder, I agree with everything you have said as this is also my experience, which is why my heart sunk when I saw him on the site for so long.

I really need to get a life!! Also, just to clarify, I saw him logged onto the site so had another look every half an hour or so and he was or appeared to be online for the next 2 hours or so, until it changed to 'active within one hour'- I know, I know, completely stalkerish and I can't believe I am admitting to have done this. sad

He wouldn't know I was checking, as I don't need to sign in to do so.

TrippleBerryFairy Wed 21-Oct-09 22:54:04

I think he might be interested in you but to know that you need to stop calling/texting him and wait till he texts/ calls you. If you are the one initiating the contact you will be stuck wondering whether he's just being polite or genuinely interested.

I think he is interested in you but is keeping his options open at the moment. Nothing wrong with that, he's a single dad and is obviously on the site to meet someone! Maybe you should try and do the same - don't get too obsessed with him and maybe get to know other people as well...

I think you do sound and act a bit desperate - if he starts seeing you as such it might kill the interest that's potentially there...

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 22-Oct-09 01:24:53

Never mind him, you need to do a little work on yourself. Being as desperate for couplehood as you sound is very unhealthy, because it makes you a target for predators of all kinds, whether that's abusers or just parasitic cocklodgers.
Couplehood is not compulsory. It's often not even very nice. Being single is great. It's much, much better than being in a relationship that is abusive, exploitative or just really boring.

SprocketAndTubbs Thu 22-Oct-09 10:37:15

Hi Moz and Solid, you're right Moz, he has every right to keep his options open and I can't understand why I was quite so disappointed to see him back on the site again.

Just to give a brief update, after posting on here last night, I was logging off the laptop and noticed that he was on the site yet again, so that's at least three times he was on last night. (just how many messages / much interest can one man get?!!) I know I have no right to check, but hope you understand that I am doing this to protect my feelings in the long run.

Since seeing him on there again, I have since 'readvertised' myself and will try to put him to the back of my mind and have a look at who else is out there. As you say Solid, all this checking up is extremely unhealthy for myself and DS (through me being fed up about it all the time). Am very sad that genuine men are so hard to find, but maybe it just seems that the grass is greener on the other side. I have to say that I am usually quite a happy person in singledom and all this paranoia is making me feel ill!!

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 22-Oct-09 11:05:35

I don't know that 'genuine' men are particularly hard to find ie men who will not be abusive or dishonest or unreliable. There are plenty of men who are perfectly nice, decent human beings, a percentage of whom are available for a couple relationship.
However, you really do need to slow yourself down a bit here. Remember that men are entitled not to want a relationship with you at all, let alone a 'serious' one, however attractive and desirable you find them and FFS don't think you have to attach yourself like a limpet to the first one who shows any sign of interest. For one thing, however monogamist you are, for a relationship to work, the partner you choose has actually to have more than just sexual exclusivity to offer.

gagamama Thu 22-Oct-09 11:12:44

Was he definitely on there 3 times though? Could he not just have logged on and then gone away to do something else (either on the computer or away from it) and just never navigated away from the page? There's nothing to say he was actively using the site during that time. I think you're letting your imagination run away with you. You're hurting yourself out of a fear of being hurt!

If you want him, hanging back and making yourself look disinterested is highly unlikely to yield the desired outcome. Put his number back in your phone and make plans to see him again. I bet he won't say no.

gagamama Thu 22-Oct-09 11:15:15

PMSL at the term "parasitic cocklodgers" further up the thread!

humblemum Thu 22-Oct-09 15:24:16

I think you are wrong, I have had experience with these dating sites and I believe they keep images as being "on line now" to attract people to browse the site for lionger. I dont belive for a minute that he was on there for 2 hours. These sites dont update that quickly, its all for effect and its a sales technique. I think you might want to think about that before dismissing the poor bloke.
Just my opinion tho!!

Parsleypants Thu 22-Oct-09 15:52:26

Sprocket - if you first met a few weeks ago, why hasn't another meet-up been arranged yet? I think you've done the right thing in reposting your profile on the site. Did you take it down specifically because you met him (and does he know that) or did your membership just expire?

I agree with what humblemum said.

I am also a lone parent and am very familiar with dating sites... the psychology of it all can drive you mad if you let it. Don't give yourself a hard time for checking him and his online activity out... I have actually posted a fake profile to catch out the man I was sleeping with at the time... I thought we were exclusive, he obviously didn't hmm and oh my God I got him good. Bang to rights! Trust your instincts. Blokey is obviously keeping his options open so you need to do the same.

Devendra Thu 22-Oct-09 18:36:41

Why not just talk to him about it.. like say 'I noticed you were signed on to the dating website for 2 hours last night... are you actively looking/meeting other people?'

Just be frank and upfront.. the worse he can say is yes I am and then you can stop torturing yourself and move on.

SprocketAndTubbs Thu 22-Oct-09 18:38:39

Hi Humblemum, thank you for your suggestion, I would love for you to be right. It's also the amount of times he logs on. Believe it or not, despite my recent stalkerish behaviour, I haven't been tracking him all day, but he is online just now and logged in and out four times that I know of yesterday and that's just the time that I'm online. If he is 'just checking in', as he says, daily, the logging in so much would appear that he is eagerly waiting for a message or something.

Parsleypants (great name!) yes, I have to admit to taking my profile down when we met (sad I know, it's just as well I don't have any street cred as it would have disappeared by this point!!) The reason behind this wasn't so that I had extra time to pick out a wedding dress or book the church grin, but because we were texting each other so much that I didn't have much time to check in. I have been very fortunate to get quite a bit of interest from other men on the site (don't get me wrong, I'm no Kate Moss), but it was kind of a relief to take myself off as I felt under a lot of pressure to have to reply to them all!!

He did know that I had taken my profile down, but I didn't tell him that it was because we had met or that I had received other interest, I just explained that I didn't feel that that particular site was working for me.

Really sorry to hear that you caught out the rat who you were sleeping with - but I feel it's better to know before you get any more attached to them, hence my current paranoia - exactly as you say, the psychology gets to me, I don't know why so much when I hardly know the guy, maybe because he gave me a confidence boost and now I am doubting my 'worthiness' IYKWIM again. Could I feel anymore sorry for myself?!! smile

ScaryFucker Thu 22-Oct-09 22:06:39

well, how do you know he is not the one checking up on you

he could be at home now, biting his nails, thinking "that sprocket is always online on the dating site...what is she up to ??..."

because I presume you have to be signed in to check up on him? The opposite must be true, too

gagamama Fri 23-Oct-09 10:24:32

ScaryFucker, I was thinking the same thing! But Sprocket said that she didn't have to log in to view his profile.

Surely if you told him that you didn't think the dating site was working for you, he's going to think you mean that you've not found anyone decent off it (ie. him!). Seriously, just arrange another meeting. You said further up that he was nervous about meeting face-to-face for the first time, so surely he'd prefer to meet you, someone who he's already met, to another random off the internet? Of course he would.

SprocketAndTubbs Fri 23-Oct-09 11:08:25

Thanks girls, just to clarify that we are on and if you know somebody's username / name they are known by on the site then you can enter that on the search screen and get straight on their profile. You don't have to sign in for that, so he won't know that I have been checking him out! I know it's extremely sad, but the whole reason I started looking in the first place was that I think he is really handsome and so I used to have a sneaky peek at his profile so I could see his photo!!! blush blush blush Not in a menacing way, just in a 'hubba hubba' kind of way!! and it was then that I noticed that he seemed to be online an awful lot.

I should also clarify that I have been off work poorly for the last couple of days and I've been unable to move very far away from my laptop, so I think this is what has compounded my neediness - usually I don't have much time to over think things.

To be honest I dearly wish he was logging on to look at what I'm up to, but all my instincts tell me he's got a few campfires burning, so to speak.

We don't get to meet up very often as usually I work full time and he also works long hours and has another part time job on top of his day to day work. We also have our lovely DSs to look after and agreed that next time we meet it should be without DSs so we could concentrate on each other. He told me on Tuesday that he will be free this weekend, so I am thinking about texting to ask him if he would like to do something with me. I also thought I would pluck up the courage to ask him about the website thing, but I don't have a clue how to put into words that I am wondering if he is actually really interested in me, because I have been stalking him like a trooper on the web and noticed that he's very a busy man. Any advice on how to word a text would be very much appreciated and your posts have been truely fantastic at helping me to see things from a more sensible perspective.

I'm so sorry that this is such a long and rambling post. blush

CaresMildly Fri 23-Oct-09 12:25:52

Sprocket - as you say as soon as you are better again this will not be top of your mind, as you'll have so much else going on.

For texting him - I can't see any reason why you shouldn't. Maybe "haven't heard from you for a while and wondered if you wanted to meet up to take the boys to the park" - something casual, rather than a "date".

FWIW you don't sound like a stalker, you sound really amusing and self-aware. If this guy isn't the right one for you then I think you'll have lots of other dates now you're back on the scene which you will enjoy, and meet other people who can also make you laugh and have fun.

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