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I need advice on parents again - sorry to be moaning and just to warn you it is long

52 replies

TheArmadillo · 21/10/2009 19:05

I am thinking of taking a break from my parents for a bit. There are some things that are really bugging me atm - that I can't get past and I need a break.

Some seem really petty but some are bigger but they all seem to affect me the same.

When I was a child every week my parents would buy a family treat. Every bloody week it was lemon merangue (sp?) pie. I hate the stuff so much. At first they used to buy me something else but then they stopped. It was my fault for not likeing what everyone else did. I was deliberately excluding myself from the nice thing they had done. They did this on other stuff but this always sticks out. It seems so petty but really hurt. I always felt like the odd one out and this just highlighted it. And I didn't do it deliberately.

Their house also always was and always is cold - and I meaning freezing. If I go to visit them it takes about 24 hours for me to warm up properly afterwards. When I was a child/teen I didn't sleep because I was so cold. I had electric blanket/hot water bottle/several layers of clothes and all the blankets I could find. In the morning I would have to get up adn take shower. My mum refuses tohave the water more than about luke warm so I would get even colder. The radiator in my room didn't work (though it wouldn't have made much difference) but I was too scared to tell them. I thought it was a psychological thing but ds also freezes there (and he is never cold). It wouldn't have bothered me if they couldn't afford it but they could. My overriding memory of my teenage years is being freezing cold all the time. I had constant chest infections (and am asthmatic) and a frozen neck that still cause me problems.

I had a lot of issues as a child. At senior school I used to have constant panic attacks and be sent home. My parents never bothered to find out why - it was just me being oversensitive and difficult. I used to self harm (cutting) and take overdoses of painkillers but I was just told to stop on one occassion when my mum found out and that 'no daughter of mine is depressed' (dr diagnosed me with depression at 9yo but my mum walked out and changed surgeries). I wouldn't drink liquids (I survived on half a glass of water in an evening) for a couple of years and had problems because i was really dehydrated. I gave up talking for a year (when I was about 11) and my mum never told me till afterwards and how difficult it was for her. I had loads of other issues as well (not wanting to leave house/see anyone/refusing to go to school). None of which was commented on apart from that I was difficult.

When I did finally have counselling at 16 (6 sessions and didn't get on with therapist so no good) I was too terrified to tell my mum and lied as to where I was going.

My mum always told me I was the clever one and my sister was the pretty one who people liked. When she was being really horrible to me about a year ago no matter what I said she would not believe I had any friends. Because (I believe) she can't see anyone wanting to be friends with me. She sees me as very antisocial/introverted and having a strange sense of humour that no one can understand. I do have friends (brilliant supportive ones) though I am shy. I was/am also spiteful, sharp tongued and I scare people so no one wants to talk to me. Anytime I say anything she tells me to stop shouting and being so nasty but won't let me know what I have done. So I don't know what I am doing wrong.

She has rewritten my childhood so now I was the difficult one (my sister has lots of probs and was uncontrollable - previously I was the good one) - I was oversensitive, clingy, antisocial and boring apparently.

I am terrified with everyone that I will say/do the wrong thing without meaning to and they will punish me/cut me off. I have nightmares that my fantastic MIL who I rely on does this to me because I've done something and I don't know what it is. I am used to people suddenly turning and yelling screaming at me for no reason I can understand. I told my aunt once (came up in conversation) that me and my sis weren't that close (we can't stand each other) and my mum tore me to pieces after. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say it sad

I am also fed up with being blamed for my sister's behaviour. When I was a child if ever I complained of her being mean or hitting me it was my fault for teaching her the behaviour in the first place so I had no right to complain. BUT WHO TAUGHT ME angry It's still always my fault if we disagree. I have to walk around eggshells around sis who explodes if she thinks you might be criticising her. And then my mum wonders why we are constantly jealous of each other. And why we have always screamed at each other at full volume when it's all my parents ever did. It was mortifying in public. I hated it so much and still do.

I have never been forgiven for anything I did as a child. It is constantly brought up as evidence of my failings.

I lived with them for 9 months when ds was born. My mum convinced the midwife that I was going to be such a crap mother that the midwife did extra visits till she realised I was coping. My HV used to check everything with my mum before she carried out stuff. My mum tells me I am a terrible parent who is destroying my sons life.

But mum believes my sister is brilliant with kids despite any evidence to the contrary. Sis did horrible things when ds was tiny. The worst being that I used to beg mum that I would call in sick to work when I first went back after ds if she couldn't look after ds herself. But she would promise me she would. Then I would get home and find that sis was looking after him and that she was watching telly in the dark and ds was on the other side of the room screaming his head off while she ignored him. I had no idea how long she had left him like that.

They also treat dp (my partner of 10 years) as no more than a sperm donor. They laugh at him and make fun of him. I hate it. I pull them up on it and it has got better but they just completely disregard him as if he doesn't exist.

I see them once a week atm with ds (5yo). I want to stop this as whatever I do it isn't enough until I leave dp and take ds to live with them (aparently i can carry on 'seeing' dp if I like hmm). They spend the entire visit ignoring me and going into another room with ds or the short amount of time they do spend with me is spent complaining how they don't see enough of me and ds and how unfair it is me keeping ds from them. Now I tend to visit them on the same day it is set in stone and they hang up on me or sulk if I don't go (cos I'm ill/have other arrangements) - nothing is a good enough reason. My mum's phone calls are building up again so she phones me every couple of days to complain how she hasn't seen me (that's all she talks about) to the point where i hate answering the phone again.

They have no idea what kind of person I really am or what my interests/likes are - even down to the kind of foods I dislike (ones I have never eaten). It's like I am not real to them almost.

I want a break for a while. If I give them a one weekly visit then they are not satisfied until I see them daily and ds stays overnight (which I am not happy to do as last time they had him unsupervised we had problems getting him back off them again). They are convinced I am a shit parent and want him around to sort of 'save' him I think - to make sure he is looked after properly (in their opinion). I can't be dealing with this anymore. We moved house to be further away from them and so they couldn't control us as much but it is all creeping back.

But I don't know how to tell them I need a break.

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Lulumama · 21/10/2009 19:10

i cannot believe in the light of all that, that you have even tried to maintain a relationship , so well done!

what are they adding to your life?

would they even understand why you need a break? my guess is not, but i would write a letter and leave it at that

my guess is that their reponse will be to say they never want to see you again

and would that be such a bad thing?

wishing you strength

sounds like you are doing briliiantly despite all of this and your horrible childhood

p.s no-one likes lemon meringue pie ( except me!) and i am a bit odd