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Will Counselling Help Me Feel Differently?

(4 Posts)
roxi09 Wed 21-Oct-09 14:12:13

Hi, I have been with my DH for 17 years, he is a good man and the only thing I can accuse him of is over the years, he has neglected me and taken me for granted. Our sex life is also dire (as in quality rather than quantity). I don't fancy him anymore either and don't see I could ever get that back.
This combined with a terrible case of mid life crisis on my part has given me an overwhelming urge to be single. It's all I think about.
I've not been happy since I turned 40, but now it's case of wanting to get out and be myself while I'm still young enough to do it. I know it's selfish but I can't help the way I feel.
My DH is devastated, he adores me and can't get his head around his life with me not in it. He wants to try and make a go of things, but I really feel my heart isn't in it, I just know I'd be happier on my own.
He wants me to go for counselling, he has suggested couples counselling too, but I feel the problem is in my head and unless I can sort out the way I feel there is no chance of me staying.
I sort of feel that my mind is made up, but also feel really confused that I am hurting him so much and throwing away what to everyone else looks like the perfect man.
I feel in the long run, it would be fairer for him to find someone to love him as much as he loves me, but he just can't see it that way.
Unfortunately I have already had one affair, since I started to feel like this, and obviously that has had a huge effect on the way I feel. I just think, if I stay with him, I'm going to be at risk of doing it again, because of looking for what, for me, is missing in my marriage, which is intimacy, passion and closeness. Things I don't think I can feel for him anymore.
Would counselling help me sort out my issues and have any chance of turning me back into the wife he once had, one that loves him and is happy with what she has got? Is it worth a go, or will I be wasting my money? Is this just a blip I can get over?
Thanks for any advice (sorry for the long post!)

NotQuiteCockney Wed 21-Oct-09 14:15:17

I don't think anyone else can answer that question for you. But therapy could help you clarify what you wanted. It could help you break up with your husband with the minimal amount of pain for everyone, or it might give you some hope of rebuilding things.

Good luck. It sounds like there's been a serious lack of communication in your relationship, over the years. Just because someone is perfect on paper doesn't mean they're perfect for you.

totallyawesome Thu 22-Oct-09 08:32:42

Counselling would give you the chance to say what you are feeling out loud and get someone else's perspective.

If you are missing intimacy etc in your marriage, maybe couples counselling would be a way of being able to rediscover it in the relationship with your husband, rather than seeking it elsewhere with a new relationship? Who is to say that the intimacy would be there with someone new? Maybe the potential is already there with your husband, but you have (probably both of you) fallen into a pattern of behaviour based on familiarity.

roxi09 Thu 22-Oct-09 14:19:04

Thank you both for your replies. I've booked an initial session on my own, because I feel most of the issues that are causing me to feel this way are mine alone, but maybe after a while he could come along too.
You are right about the lack of communication, until recently we have never talked about the big stuff and just have fallen into a pattern of being mates rather than lovers. I think it is too long gone for me to ever be able to get it back though, but I owe it to him to try I suppose.

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