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Please help, I need your help...

(41 Posts)
myweestars Wed 21-Oct-09 09:17:31

I've only posted here once before but am a regular reader, I really need some advice, not sure where to start!

My dp and I have been together years and have always had a rocky relationship. We have 2 beautiful boys, aged 3 and 1.

Over the years, my DP has lifted his hands to me, nothing major but enough is enough. I have slowly been shutting him out and this is why he is so aggressive and verbally abuses me.

I am constantly shattered, I work 3 days per week and our youngest DS is a really bad sleeper, hence the reason I am constantly shattered. At night when he eventually goes to sleep, I just want to go to bed as I know he will be wakening again soon. y dp wants loving etc, I can't be bothered and to be honest I think the reason is, is that I don't love him anymore.

The final straw was yesterday morning when he grabbed me round the throat and threw me on to our bed in front of our sons. I ran out and was so close to going to the police. The reason he does things like this is because I won't talk to him, havetime for him etc etc and if I'm honest, I've not but I just feel we would be both happier on our own.

It scares me though, it breaks my heart to sell the house. How would I manage on my own? Could we sell and then I rent back the house? I've heard of things like that. How would my sones cope without their father, my oldest dotes on his dad.

Has anyone been through anything like this? What did you do?

I'm at work but will be able tosign back in later and read any comments. Your help would be appreciated.

TheArmadillo Wed 21-Oct-09 09:21:16

"The reason he does things like this is because I won't talk to him, havetime for him etc etc"

it isn't your fault that he is violent - stop taking the blame for this.

No wonder your thinking that you don't love him anymore.

You don't have to live like this - it is not acceptable.

Your sons will cope and probably thrive without having a violent bully around.

Call Womens aid on 0808 2000 247 and they will help you.

chopstheduck Wed 21-Oct-09 09:23:40

You can't carry on in this relationship the way it is for the sake of a property. Its clearly getting worse.

I've been through this situation, and it is really hard, and my heart goes otu to you. You do cope though. Your sons don't have to manage without their dad, you can both be there for them, but it really doesn't sound like you can get on togehter.

chopstheduck Wed 21-Oct-09 09:24:36

agree, call women's aid. They can advise you on everything you need to know, they are very understanding, and their number won't show up on your phone bill.

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 09:24:58

No, the reason he does it is because he´s violent!

He grabbed you around the throat-that´s never excusable!

Get help-and get away before you get hurt & before your boys learn that it´s an acceptable way to treat women!

EcoMouse Wed 21-Oct-09 09:26:46

"The reason he does things like this is because I won't talk to him, havetime for him etc etc ....."

No. It is because he is a violent shitbag who has no care or respect for your children or yourself.

Call Women's Aid.

You will manage on your own so much more easily than trying to live through what you are currently experiencing! You need to remove your children from this situation asap. It is no wonder your youngest has sleep problems. Are you aware that allowing them to continue to witness the abuse of another is considered abusive?

Call Women's aid, they will advise.

Do not worry about selling house etc at present. You do have the right to remain there if you are main carer for your DC but you and your children are in a dangerous situation and getting out, quickly, is imperative.

TheHerbs Wed 21-Oct-09 09:28:05

I'm not surprised you don't love him any more.
He's treating you as an outlet for his aggression. It's not 'because you do this or that' that's just what he wants you to believe. He would do it to you whatever you behaved like. He just wants you to think it's your fault.

He will never change
ring womensaid and talk it through, they have heard this same story day in day out and will take you seriuously and be on your side. They can advise re practical things like money and housing and so on

Sounds like you have already done the difficult bit and detached your feelings about him, the rest will be easy compared to that.
Good luck. Get angry (don't show him you're angry, just feel it inside) and don't stand for it a minute longer.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 21-Oct-09 09:29:32

This relationship has always been rocky by your own admission and you've also been on the receiving end of domestic violence.

He won't change but you can change how you react to him. Will you be pressing charges against your partner; what he has done is assaulting you. I would seriously consider getting the police involved; you need to show him that there are consequences for his actions. If he had hit someone in the street he would have been arrested. And he has also done this in front of your children, what are you both teaching them here about relationships?. That it is okay for their Dad to hit their Mum?.

His so called reasons for hitting you is no justification at all. This is done to mess further with your head. My guess is as well he's always been verbally abusive as well and its escalated over time as these things often do.

Being in a violent relationship like this will neither do you or they any favours at all. He could end up killing you if you stay, two women per week in the UK are killed by their partner or ex. Don't think it could not happen to you.

You may be scared yes and that is understandable but the situation you're in is untenable. He is a dangerous individual to be around and he's no decent role model at all for your sons.

You could manage on your own and you and your children would be a lot happier for it. There is help out there, the first step is the hardest to take though but you must make plans to leave this man. I would talk to Womens Aid too as they can be very helpful in these types of situations. I will put up their details for you.

EcoMouse Wed 21-Oct-09 09:30:27

*Are you aware that allowing them to continue to witness the abuse of another is considered abusive?

To clarify, he is subjecting them also to indirect abuse, you need to take responsibility for removing them from this abuse fast!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 21-Oct-09 09:31:50

0808 2000 247

myweestars Wed 21-Oct-09 11:09:41

Thanks for all your comments. It's just so hard as everyone thinks he is a nice guy and I will find it hard to tell anyone what goes on behind closed doors. I know his family will take his side and I will be the bad one, he will twist it all, it will be my fault. I am a bad mum for shouting at boys etc etc etc. I can't face telling my mum etc what he's really like. I will phone Womans Aid though.

shoptilidrop Wed 21-Oct-09 11:22:15

Please do call them. I know its hard. I have been there myself.
My exdh used to throw me about, or throw things at me. Or kick chairs out from under me, or push me or squeeze me really hard. etc.. etc...
Of course it was my fault as i had driven him to it. AND he used to say he wasnt a wife beater as he never hit me.
Im an intelligent woman, i KNEW it was wrong. But sort of belived him. I didnt want to be a single parent, thats not the life i chose for my child, nor for myself.
BUT i also wouldnt chose to be someones punchbag.
I kicked him out, almost a year ago now. Ive never looked back - not for one second. I wont lie, its been hard, but the hard times are getting less and less and im starting to enjoy life again....

you DO NOT deserve it.

I also know how hard it is to tell everyone. You sort of feel that you have failed. YOU HAVENT. Its him with the problem.

myweestars Wed 21-Oct-09 13:24:57

Thanks all again.

Shoptildrop, you say you kicked him out? Was it your house? I don't know where I stand, I want him out but it is a joint mortgage etc? Do I go to the police about the most recent attack? Am I blowing things out of proportion? I've no witnesses re attack apart from my 3 year old son? What do I do?

myweestars Wed 21-Oct-09 14:10:04

Any other help/comments re my last post? PLEASE?

TheArmadillo Wed 21-Oct-09 14:32:09

I don't know the answers myself but while you're waiting womens aid can give you the answers to those questions - they can guide you on the practical and legal stuff as well as the emotional stuff.

notaloud Wed 21-Oct-09 14:34:16

Don;t do what I did, which is ignore it and hope it will go away.

I had almost exactly the same physical thing done to me - across the room in front of DD. You know it is the final straw.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't have gone to the police, but I should have just left.

Just leave.

cestlavielife Wed 21-Oct-09 14:40:27

it is very difficult to get him removed from the home without evidence - your word against his - however it is till worth going to the local police domestic violence unit as well as calling womens aid.

you need to keep a journal / diary. of all and any behaviour.

send him emails/texts - calm, eg saying "this isnt working and i would like you to leave" so you get replies back which you can keep.

if you get any bruises at all that show go straight to police and GP to get it recorded.

you can ask him to leave and tell him it is over on basis of he clearly isnt happy with you. do not tell him this with children present. if possible tell him outside the home eg in public place.

if he doesnt wish to leave then as is his joint owned home you cannot get him out without injunction - sadly you have to wait for something bad to happen.

sometimes the only option is to leave yourself - do you have people/places you could go?

i am concerned that he has already been violent and that you telling him you leaving/asking him to leave will set him off .... you will need someone with you maybe. do you have strong friends?

speak things thru with womens aid.

later, you can go to court to try to get the hosue back to live in and sort out financial side - but this could take a while.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 21-Oct-09 14:42:10

I hope you have phoned WA.

Abusers can be very plausible to the outside world. His family will undoubtedly take his side; they don't want to see the truth re their darling boy and denial is a powerful force.

It is NOT your fault he is violent. You are NOT responsible for him and his actions.

You have a responsibility though to yourself and your children; they should not be growing up in a violent household (your partner may well have seen domestic violence himself in his younger years). You can save your own selves though.

myweestars Wed 21-Oct-09 15:01:01

Thanks for your comments. In a word, no we haven't got anywhere to go.
I have a lot of friends, very good friends and they will stand by me, however, it's not easy to ask someone to put and your 2 boys up. Plus the fact, I've never even told anyone what has been happening as far as friends are concerned, we're just not getting on. I know if I ask him to leave, he won't and you are right, he will start the abuse again, it's his way of dealing with me switching off from him and not wanting him anymore. I just want to cry and don't want to break down in front of him anymore. I just want to be away from him with my wee boys. Yes he can still be their dad but I don't want him anywhere near me. God life sucks and is so difficult when kids are involved eh. If it was just me, I would just walk but not so easy with the 2 little ones.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 21-Oct-09 15:42:54

"If it was just me, I would just walk but not so easy with the 2 little ones".

No it is not easy but neither is your current situation. What's worse?. You're all being affected by his abusive behaviours.

What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. They learn from you both. Its no life for them either.

There is help out there and I would still urge you to press charges against him. Talk to the Police. Start getting this out into the open and talk to people. Talking to WA would be helpful as well.

What's the situation re the property; is it jointly mortgaged?. Get proper legal advice for your own self, many solicitors can offer a free 30 minute consultation.

myweestars Wed 21-Oct-09 15:46:57

I know you are right. I am going to phone WA tonight or tomorrow morning, can't phone from work. Can I press charges even though it happened yesterday? What will they do? House is jointly mortgaged unfortunately.

cestlavielife Wed 21-Oct-09 15:49:43

you have to start telling your friends what is going on. please tell your close friends what you told us here.

if they chose not to believe you, tell someone who does believe you.

"he grabbed me round the throat and threw me on to our bed in front of our sons"

that is abuse and violence plain and simple.

he does this becaue you wont talk to him for goodness sake - that is not a normal reaction. if you truly have genuine problems to discuss, sort out - then communicate them to each other, but it sounds like you are beyond this - because his reaction is physical violence.

my exP also tried to intimidate and bully - eg stopping me leaving the bathroom "till you talk to me". "you have to talk to me" pushing me around, etc.

your chidlren are young. of course the 3 year old loves his dad - kids do. but that doesnt mean he is not scared to death by his dad's behaviour.

relaly is it worth it to stay and risk being seriously harmed because you think they "love their dad"? they can love their dad without having to live with the violence he inflicts on you...

and at 3 yes he might miss him if you have to not have contact for a while - but honeslty he will cope - he will ask where's daddy - you will say daddy cant be here right now but you will see him soon . that is enough for 3 year old while you sort out contact.

and if your P is angry think about supervised contact intially eg in public place with a friend present.

you need to start planning an exit strategy - if he attacks you again you need to be ready to leave.

overmydeadbody Wed 21-Oct-09 15:58:25

i hope you find the strength and support to leave

Seabright Wed 21-Oct-09 16:03:03

Take important documents & stuff to work. Passports, copy bank/mortgage info/birth certificates etc. Get a bit of spare cash set aside, £50 even, incase you end up leaving in a rush & leaving your handbag behind.

Your friends will believe you. They'll be shocked and their initial response might be/appear to be disbelief, but they'll believe you. The disbelief reaction is just shock & disappointment in him.

posieparker Wed 21-Oct-09 16:07:57

"I have slowly been shutting him out and this is why he is so aggressive and verbally abuses me" There are a whole host of reasons that he is violent and none of them are anything to do with you.
Your dss and you will be much better off without him, you really owe it to them to give them an upbringing wthat doesn't include you being a victim of violence. Speaking from experience, violent men end up hitting their dcs too.
Do contact WA and the very best of luck. Now that you have admitted this to yourself there really is no going back.

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