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the one that got away...came back after 10 years

(16 Posts)
chuggabopps Tue 20-Oct-09 23:45:38

I hope that the act of writing this down will assist me in getting a mess of emotion out and into some kind of sense.

Some years ago I lived with my boyfriend X and my best friend Y and her boyfriend Z. Both romantic partnerships broke up, around the same time but for very different reasons. I was fond of my friends guy, but nothing was ever said at the time as it didn't feel "proper" to get together out of respect for Y.

Time passed and we went separate ways out of our house.

About a year after Y and Z broke up- I drunkenly kissed Z at a party. But Y saw us and never spoke to either of us again.

Nothing followed up the kiss- I was in and out of non serious relationships, but always remained good friends with Z. Or so I thought...

He formed non serious relationships too- except that a few months in with a very fiery tempered woman, he suddenly got engaged.

I saw little of my friend Z while he was engaged- but one day he came to see me a few weeks before the wedding. He "had" to see me- but never got around to saying why.

As the friend of someone getting married, I couldn't say anything other than " I hope you will be very happy".

Oh yes he married her- and I was hurt. I plastered on a fake smile and went to his reception to kiss him goodbye. I never intended to have much to do with him after that point.

After being just shy of his 10th anniversary, I see on face book that his marriage has broken down.

Then almost a year after that, he gets in contact with me to say that it is now the right time for us to get together.

I am very fond of him, but I don't think I can forgive that he married someone else, and never put me first, however much he says he always loved me.

Timing always seems to have been against us- so should I be giving this guy a chance to make it right now?

commeuneimage Tue 20-Oct-09 23:56:07

If you're not in a relationship at the moment, why not give it a try? What have you got to lose?

dcgc Tue 20-Oct-09 23:58:22

Hi, I'm sure there's probably much more info than you're able to write down due to time/space constraints, but in my opinion - based on what you've said - I think that if you had been "the one" he wouldn't have got married and you would have got together earlier. It just seems a bit convenient that when his world falls apart he decides to get back in touch.

Maleeka Wed 21-Oct-09 00:03:12

Are you available at the moment? I reckon if you are, you should see where this leads you.

He might have thought that you regretted that drunken kiss and was too scared to ask you what it meant to you.

He may have spent the last 10 years regretting his decision, or he might just fancy a fling "for old times sake"!

I think you need to sort out how you feel about him and have a serious cards on the table talk with him.

Good luck smile

chuggabopps Wed 21-Oct-09 00:12:22

thank you for replying- yes you are right, there is far more to this.

I think I am quite angry with him that I wasn't important enough to him to do anything about getting together, plus he kind of condoned X's treatment of me for 2 years, which I now see was emotionally abusive.

is it possible that he has "grown up" in the last ten years and is worth rehashing this drama? Or is it unlikely?

He admitted to me that he was cruel enough to his ex wife to tell her that he had feelings for me throughout their marriage (even though I wasn't on the scene).

dcgc Wed 21-Oct-09 00:19:39

I just think that if he's mean enough to say hurtful things like that to his ex wife, plus to actually have had those thoughts about you whilst being married, could you truly trust him? I personalloy think you should let sleeping dogs lie. If it was meant to be it would have happened.

Monsterspam Wed 21-Oct-09 00:26:07

How do you know it's not "meant to be" unless you give it a chance though?
If you're not hurting anyone else and you're going into it with your eyes wide open, I say go for it smile

SolidGhoulBrass Wed 21-Oct-09 00:30:24

If you're single and he's single, it's probably better to give it a try and find out rather than flunce off and spend another 10 years wondering 'what if' every now and again.
ALso, how old are you both? Because if you are under about 35 there is a good chance that he might have grown up a big (ie if he was in his early 20s his not-good behaviour then might have been immaturity).

jasper Wed 21-Oct-09 00:56:38

GO for it!

warthog Wed 21-Oct-09 08:44:39

hmmmm i don't know. you've obviously got good reasons for being a bit pissed off with him. i'd proceed, but warily. he doesn't sound like the nicest bloke, to say that to his wife but we've all said horrible things in dark moments. what worries me is he takes the easy road. had feelings for you, but didn't rock the boat. got engaged to this woman even though he loved you....

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 21-Oct-09 08:58:09

Why don't you tell him how you feel first - before you meet him - and see what his side of the story really is?

But I agree with the others. Life is too short for regrets.

Aubergines Wed 21-Oct-09 09:04:22

Why is he the only one to blame for not giving your relationship a chance ten years ago? You don't sound like you did anything to show him how you really felt. I therefore find your anger quite surprising.

I would only give it a go if you can wipe the emotional slate clean and enter the relationship without too much baggage.

saintmaybe Wed 21-Oct-09 09:05:03

Not sure it's a good way to start a relationship, with you blaming him for things in the past that you didn't do anything about either.

You didn't 'do anything about getting together' either, presumably, and you didn't see what was going on in your emotionally abusive relationship.

If you're going into it with an attitude of 'he's supposed to rescue me and sort my life out for me', well, that never works.
But agree with sgb, if you've both done some growing up why not see, 'what if's' are such a waste.

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 09:20:23

You kissed and neither did anything about it?

Why not?

If nothing happened then, I wouldn´t get my hopes uptoo much,tbh.

gagamama Wed 21-Oct-09 09:36:11

I think you're being a bit harsh on him, TBH. You say you were 'fond' of him before he got married, and that you had the drunken kiss, but you don't seem to have given him any indication that you felt strongly enough for him that he should 'put you first' and not marry his (ex) wife.

Did you make it clear at the time that you wanted to be with him? Did you have any kind of pact that you would be together when the dust settled with Y? I don't quite understand why you expected him to hold out for you, even though you were both seeing other people.

Perhaps if you'd got together back then, the baggage with Y and/or his immaturity might've meant you didn't last anyway. It seems that now is a much better time to give it a go. If you're available, I think you should totally go for it!

Bucharest Wed 21-Oct-09 09:39:32

My friend from uni is going through this at the moment- she was with someone in 1990 and he has just found her again on FB and they are getting to know each other again, s-l-o-w-l-y.

I'd say go for it, you have nothing to lose. I'd also say you are both going to have changed a lot in 10 yrs, so don't set your expectations too high.

Good luck...smile Let us know...I love a happy ending!

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