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Feel like army is killing my marriage.

(10 Posts)
freudianslips Tue 20-Oct-09 16:38:44

This is more of a vent than anything else, but I am just so damn frustrated at having the terms of my DH's relationship with me and DD dictated by the sodding army. He's a doctor with the medical corps. The army have posted him to Wales (we live in Durham) so he only really gets to see us at weekends at the best of times. He travelled back from Afganistan on Sunday night but thanks to administrative faff, won't actually get back here to see us until late on Weds. DD is pretty unlikely to recognise him when he does arrive. Today he missed our 20 week scan (hasn't managed to get to a single appointment or scan with my ongoing pregnancy) but when we spoke on the phone today for the first time since he was deployed, he forgot to ask about it. I feel like he doesn't actually care about the baby i'm carrying. I had asked the sonographer to write down the gender of the baby so we could open the piece of paper together and find out. But I'm now so pissed off at the whole situation, not to mention cross with him, that I've just opened the paper myself. So for the benefit of the people of mumsnet - who may very well care more about this pregnancy than DH for all I know -

it's a girl.

I can't stop sobbing. I want to be sharing this news with someone I love for fuck's sake, not just my toddler daughter and an empty room and a computer screen. I'm so lonely and stressed and tired all of the time. I never wanted to be a parent on my own for most of the time, but that's what I'm being - whilst dealing with full time job and house and sodding hyperactive labrador.

Sorry, I know I'm dripping with self-pity. I know I'm lucky in so many ways. But I'm tired and pregnant and just want someone to give me a hug or make me a cup of tea or something. Instead I've got to do and wash and sterilise bottles, do laundry, clean kitchen, feed and bathe DD and try to cheer up so I can actually play with her and read books and do all the things that I feel guilty about not doing whilst I'm at work ...

cat64 Tue 20-Oct-09 16:52:55

Message withdrawn

VictoriousSponge Tue 20-Oct-09 16:54:13

min emissed loads of scans.
its not big deal imo.
i bet you are hacked off though.
can you not get a cleaner?
do you have mates?

porcamiseria Tue 20-Oct-09 16:58:49

Bless you, bless you. I am sure he does care, alot. Its just that army life is tough ....very tough. Hope you cheer up and congratulations!!!! Hope that venting made you feel better, and as suggested have some choc and treats later, and watch a cheering DVD.

humblemum Tue 20-Oct-09 16:59:26

Here's your Tea and here is a (((((HUG)))) So sorry you are feeling like this. hope it helps!

shoptilidrop Tue 20-Oct-09 17:01:32

yeah - nothing but sympathy for you.
I was married to someone in the army for 8 years. With him for 10. Its pretty much nothing but shit.
I wont try and tell you to do something nice, or go our with a friend, or distract yourself beacuse ( and no offence to the op's) that really doesnt help at all.

Recognise the fact that its shit, its bloody difficult and you pretty much shoulder all the responsibility. Its ok to feel sorry for yourself. Cry,get anygry and let it out. Tomorrow he will be home, bags full of kit for you to wash and you know you will be pleased to see him.. and be pleased he is home.

Also im sure he does care about the baby, most of the lads get a bit distant when they are away i think. They arent really thinking of home when they are away....

take care.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 20-Oct-09 18:15:35

Are there other wives you can get together with?.

Have you talked to SSAFA, they may be able to advise you further as well.

cat64 Wed 21-Oct-09 18:24:42

Message withdrawn

Doha Wed 21-Oct-09 18:39:24

Hey congratulations on your pregnancy and also on the soonish arrival of your new daughter.
Having 2 girls they will hopefully be good company for each other as they grow up.
I am in no way making any excusr for your DH but l am sure his head is all over the place just now, having returned from Afghanistan he will want to get things all tidied up so he get back to you and DD..
Just cut him a bit of slack for a day or so then hopefully he can consentrate on you, your DD and impending DD.
Chin up

Kayran Wed 21-Oct-09 18:49:45

Well mine is in the army (bomb disposal) and when we finally had our gorgeous little girl (IVF, heartache the works) he went to Afghanistan before she was home from special care. For her/his first christmas I bought a vcr and taped her and then sent it over. She was a really difficult baby (feeding tube/reflux/no sleep etc)and getting the time to do this was a sacrifice. But I KNEW he must be so desprate at missing her. So he phoned me New Years Eve (me at home in the middle of nowhere alone) and said 'I only have a few minutes as I am next on for the camel racing'. They had all made their own little broom 'camels' and were racing them - oh what a laugh. Asked about the video I had sent - horrible pause - 'well I did start watching it but she doesn't do much so I never finished it' (So he never saw me and her looking into mirror and saying 'love you daddy'.) Almost divorce but now 6 years on I find it vaguely amusing. In fairess they don't do much at 3 months... The other thing is as a senior officer's wife I also know the additional pressure of keeping up appearances. despite how it may feel a computer screen is capable of being a friend - honest. Cheer up and think of girls names you can torment him with... With mine when he is home he is home, when he is away he is away and the two halves of him are very different beasts. I do not think he could function well if the one of him that was away was a s loving an as involved as him that is home (if that makes sense?)

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