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Advice please - What do I tell dc when asked why Daddy hasn't been to see them for a long time?

(6 Posts)
citronella Tue 20-Oct-09 14:27:49

Dcs have not seen their daddy since the beginningSeptember. sad for them not me
We have been divorced and moved out about 15months ago.
Up until now I have been the main facilitator of contact even going so far as inviting xh for meals to give the dc time with him.
If it wasn’t for the dc I would rather not see him at all although xh used to refer to visits as coming to see “you all”. On a few occasions he has taken them out for the day or afternoon but not on a regular basis and no where near as often as I would have hoped
Recently for reasons I won’t go into here I have told xh that any correspondence between him and I has to go via solicitors unless it is about arranging contact with dc in which case he can email or txt me.
He has claimed through his solicitor since then that he doesn’t see his children regularly because it seems to depend on my mood so wants regular set contact (which incidentally I had proposed in the original contact order) which was to have started two Saturdays ago. In the event he didn’t make an arrangement to collect them (said he didn’t have the finances) and couldn’t commit to every two weeks but for me to let him know their timetable so he could fit something in.
His relationship with his dc seems to be more a function of whether he and I are speaking.hmm
Anyway, cut a long story short, ds1 for the first time asked me to call his dad to invite him over so they could go to the park.
I really don’t want the man in my house but I have no objection to contact taking place outside my home but am not holding my breath for him to come up with a firm arrangement any time soon.
But, my question is how do I explain long absences and periods of no communication to the dc (7 & 3)?
He doesn’t even phone them every now and again.
Sorry for the rather long post.
Anyone in a similar situation?

colditz Tue 20-Oct-09 14:30:44

You just tell them. It's heart breaking and I know your first instinct is to shield them from the knowledge that daddy is a selfish prick, but they'll work it out eventually.

I answer "when is daddy coming" with "I don't know because he hasn't told me".

You can't explain why he does things because you don't know. So just explain to them that you don't know.

citronella Tue 20-Oct-09 14:34:21

Agreed and if it's a more direct question, like "can you ring daddy and ask him to come and take us to the park"?
I don't want to say I won't ring him because then I'm the bad guy ifyswim.

colditz Tue 20-Oct-09 14:41:24

i always ring daddy if requested to.

But I am honest about daddy's reactions - ie if daddy says he is not coming, I won't lie and say daddy is poorly, although I used to.

And if daddy isn't coming to take them for dinner because he has run out of money, I tell them that too.

Mine are 6 and 3, so similar situation.

But they do get used to it.

QueenOfFrighteningEveryone Tue 20-Oct-09 14:58:43

My DD is 6 and her dad doesn't really see her anymore, and he doesn't phone either. Heartbreaking isn't it?

I spent 4 years trying to facilitate contact despite his downright opposition to anything I suggested (he doesn't have any bright ideas of his own mind, just a need to create a situation where he can be the poor banished dad, not allowed to see his dearly beloved DD hmm). I arranged mediation, I negotiated with his parents and friends to arange contact, I invited him to spend time with DD here if it made things easier... he wasn't having any of it. He now has mental health issues that have caused me to stop DD from going to stay with him, though he is still welcome to phone he whenever he likes and visit her here. He doens't bother though.

Anyway these days I am just honest - polite and slightly restrained, but honest. I say we have to wait for daddy to phone as I don't have his number. I say I don't know where daddy is or why he doesn't phone. I explain to her that unless daddy talks to me, I can't arrange for her to see him. She accepts the truth pretty well. Shame she has to at 6 though.

citronella Tue 20-Oct-09 15:29:49


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