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Has anybody managed to have their first DC without any significant upset/damage/upheava
l to their relationship?
It sounds like a silly question even as i typed it. But I ask because I have a friend who had her first DD around 18 months ago. Before having her DD, she had been with her DH for around 12 years, with 5 of those as a married couple. I have always thought she and her DH had a great relationship, seemed on the same wavelength, same sense of humour etc. They also have NO money worries or pressures as her DH inherited a vast sum from his parents.
And so, it seems to me they have had a fairly smooth ride in life, including after having their first DC, which I always thought would cause a bit of upheaval in any relationship, no matter how strong it was beforehand.
I am just interested in whether, in certain circumstances, having your first DC, does not inevitably cause a few relationship problems.
FWIW, me and DH had HUGE problems after having our first DC, (severe undiagnosed PND and a lot of buried childhood stuff was triggered for me) and it is only now that we feel we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
To be honest, I don't think it did cause upheaval. different yes, but no big problems. Mind you, the fact that DH went off to sea 20 days after DS1 was born for the majority of his first year meant that opportunities for rows etc were limited!
I don't think the birth of our DD (16 months ago) had any sort of negative affect on our relationship - actually think it made it stronger (and I think it was strong to start with). It helps that DH is a very patient and understanding sort of chap who was very good at the sleepless nights! And very patient with a not-very-patient DW who was rubbish at coping with sleepless nights!
That's great that you and your DH are coming through the upheaval - have you had any outside help from professionals or friends?
Well,I´ve had two without problems bein´g caused.
But then I didn´t have childhood stuff or PND to contend with.
So it wasn´t reallythe baby that did it for you, but it did act as a trigger,iyswim.
Same as wigeon for me, if anything we are stronger. My DH also v. patient and tolerant of me as i am not always so!
My DS is two now, and my experience was exactly like Wigeon's.
DH and I got (and often still are) horribly horribly tired, and we do tend to talk about household stuff and work rather than giggling about silly stuff (still do that, but not as much, which is a slight sadness).
But on the whole we are a good strong team and we support each other - and seeing him and DS together gives me another reason to love him
No problems here either. But I did have two easy, laid-back babies.
I don't think it affected us much either, but I was in hospital for the last 2 months of my pregnancy with DS and DH was really stressed visiting me everyday.
He also got quite badly stressed mainly with work problems the month before DD was born and he was signed off work for a month.
I have a lot of friends who had huge troubles and some who had none. I found that what seemed to make the difference was what they set as expectations and how closely they were right or better. Our lifestyle is very active and neither of us wanted to change that so we had a live in nanny to ease the burden. Now I know that word is bound to have some people jumping up and down. But with both of us having 12 hour day jobs and an active social life changing 12 nappies a day wasn't going to happen. I went back to work after 1 week off.
I think for friends of ours they thought they could do it and not make significant changes. They still envisioned themselves working long hours and going away on weeks plus going out spontaneously durring the week. They even thought they could do it without help. They were a great couple but no passion between them. He desperately wanted a child. But to play with and do fun stuff with. Heating up bottles, changing diapers and all the constant cleaning was not part of his bargain.
Needless to say they lasted two years and the problems happened right from the outset. He expected her to be back into Angelina Jolie shape in the same amount of time as well.
I think it is important to think carefully. I would even recommend couples counselling for anyone who is on the fence before concpetion. Resolving the issues before hand is key. Babies do not bring couples closer together. What brings couples closer together is creating the type of relationship and family you want.
Case in point another friend of mine lives in a 'chaos' house. Dogs, kids, rabbits, gerbils, fish, ferret, cats and neighbours' kids and madness of all kinds. They couldn't be happier because this what they have always imagined family life would be.
When I visit their house I leave with a blinding headache and have to change my clothes from all the mess and hair.
well for what its worth having my dd (now 5yrs old) was a massive shift in our relationship. Everything changed as the focus is no longer on you, but on this new little person.
Most people I have spoken to about this feel the same, its a big change and its bound to have an effect on your relationship in good ways and bad. I think it's important to realise that, and to know that it's ok and normal.
And it is important to talk to each other, it's also important to go and see your friends and talk to them, so you can let off a little steam.
sorry to go on, just feel quite passionately about this one!
Hello all, and thank you for your replies. Ok, so it is possible! And yes in my case, it was the childhood issues and PND which were triggered by having DC that in fact caused all the problems. Without that, just the DC's alone, probably wouldn't have caused significant problems in our relationship.
So thanks for your responses, it helps to clarify for us, where our problems stemmed from.
Wigeon, yes, i have had counselling for my childhood issues and it turned out they were the root cause of all our problems really. It is a work in progress though, have come a long way in resolving lots of things, but there is always some more work to be done!
Have to agree with some others on this thread having 2 DC has not really changed the nature of our relationship. It has changed what we do, for example we go out less and spend more time entertaining at home but overall things between us are pretty much the same.
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