Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has anyone any experience, good and bad, with starting again?

(9 Posts)
TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead Tue 20-Oct-09 12:22:04

Abit of background.

Dp and I met 3 years ago, I moved in pretty much the same day we met and we have had two dcs together.

We have had quite a few problems which I have posted alot about in the past. Mainly me not being able to trust him. Him using dating sites and having cyber sex.

We decided a while ago that it would be for the best if we split up. But, I have had to stay living with him for the past year as I have had nowhere else to go.

Anyway, things seem to have gotten gradually better between us. We were talking a while ago about us maybe 'starting over' when I move house.
You know, the whole dating thing that we didn't do.

So, my question is, can this work? Has it worked for you?

I do love him and want to be with him and I think us not living together may be the way to go.

We would be a lot happier and so would the dcs.

Is this a stupid, crazy idea?

I am trying to do what is best for our family and I don't know if this is the right thing.

ChilloHippi Tue 20-Oct-09 12:43:42

I don't think that it is a stupid or crazy idea at all.

I did try it in a previous relationship, and sadly it didnt work for us but it sounds like you and your dp are a bit more committed to each other than we were. We didnt have children either.

Being apart could give you both the breathing space that you need in order to stay as a family even if it means living in different houses.

You say that you had nowhere else to go before when you decided to split but do you have somewhere else to go now?

TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead Tue 20-Oct-09 12:48:36

No, not as yet. I have been on the council list for a while though.

TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead Tue 20-Oct-09 13:15:16

Have been looking at private rented too back in my home town.

Booooooooooyhoo Tue 20-Oct-09 13:18:47

My OH and i separated 8 weeks before our ds1 was born and started over again after 3 years and many miles between us.

i think if you are to start again, you both need to have very honest discussions about what you expect from each other and what isnt acceptable. i say discussons because it will take more than one. you both need to be willing to completely open up to each other and address the issues you have had in the past, all of them. resolve them now and if you cant then you need to think seriously about whether you can be together with them unresolved.

it can work, but honesty is sooo important. and not just about where you were the night before, i mean about everything if something is on your mind about work, tell him. share it with him.

i cant stress that enough.

have a good think about what you want from him, the realtionship. what do you expect from him? what issues do you need to resolve? if it helps, write it all down. write down questions you need answered. ask him to do the same. if you are beginning again, then begin with a clean page. you both need to know exactly what you are entering into.

the distance will be good for you to think about all this and it eases the constant pressure of him being there wanting to know what you are thinking and vice versa.

good luck, if you take it slow and with a lot of thought and effort you can make this a succesful relationship.

TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead Wed 21-Oct-09 21:10:45

Thank you that boooooo. Some very good tips there.

As it stands, we aren't going ahead with it. Well, not any definite plans yet. We are no longer together for the time being.

toftr Wed 21-Oct-09 21:19:23

I think once the trust has gone it must be very hard to start over. Not to said it can't be done, but I don't think I could personally do it. H and I temporarily tried to rebuild after an affair but I couldn't ever have got past it.

I sometimes think if it's really that much effort to make things work then it's probably not right.

Booooooooooyhoo Wed 21-Oct-09 22:26:41

toftr, i agree if OH had cheated, i wouldnt have considered starting over. i couldnt have trusted him again. but that wasnt our issue.

i do understand that OP's problems were related to sex outside the relationship. (cyber sex, dating sites)

justlikestartingover Thu 22-Oct-09 09:49:42

Hi - posted a thread last night about this sort of thing. My experience was that no matter how hard I tried after my p was unfaithful I just couldn't feel what i used to and eventually after reconciling and even having another baby I had to call it a day. Hardest thing I have ever done.

Seriously, after a couple of years together it was like something in me switched off and I didn't really look at anyone else again. Wish the same could have been said for him. I think the disappointment of finding that out was what killed it all for me. It wasn't that I didn't trust him because he did everything to try and make it better - he just wasn't the person I thought he was, and I need someone stronger than that. Any tips on how to find one (as posted before!) when you are virtually housebound??

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now