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I still have my inner core

(48 Posts)
yournotalone Tue 20-Oct-09 08:14:39

What i'm going to do now will be the very first time opening up truly to how and who I married and who after 30 years of marriage just who I have become.

Well in all honesty it was a blind date, a friend of a friend new this person ,very nice good sence of humour a really likeable sort of chap! From the very start even though we connected in different ways my inner core kept calling me that something was not right, but egnoring the butterflys i trudged further on, yes we did break up and get back together on quite a few occations.

The little things then were he would make arrangments with me then at the last min scoot off to as he would say something more important! leaving me a shell. years moved on we parted which i thought was the last time, then a call out of the blue even though i was then in a relationship with a really nice bloke i took the offer up and went out for dinner with him. what transpired after that and why he called me was he had a sexually transmited deasea and had to tell anyone who he had slept with within ten years, well i have kept that secret with me right up until now, my family loved him to bits and so i kept a profile up of lies to cover up my embarresment, and so as time moved on and with my mother saying work at it lovey he really is a nice chap, and the butterflys back in the pit of my stomache I did. We brought a house moved in, and then the fun really began but by then he had hooked me, he wrote a list of all the things for this relationship to work i must complie, for example, always make coffee for him and his family when the visit, to wash and iorn his shirts, always no matter what a cooked dinner everyday, never to question him, to love and like his family as they are important to him, this list went on and on and on i drew the line when he wanted me to swear on the bible.

He always took off even from work he would ring and say not coming home this weekend even when my eldest was born nine times out of ten he dissapeered leaving me without any money even for nappys, the child benifit then was in book form and every monday come rain or shine i used to walk miles to the post office to cash in a buy my son his much needed provistions, my weight then had dropped to under seven stone and i was pregnant with my second son . My husband didn't cook wash up clean do any gardening, infact didn't do anything other than go to work, have his hoildays, dissapier, watch football, we never had a joint bank account as he strongly believed it is his money, but always payed the mortgage and bills.

As time wore on I became a shell of my former self, the list kept getting longer the more i ticked off as learnt how to perfect his needs another thing would appear and so I endlessly walked on eggshells, the abusive pattern he endured on me, all centered around the clock, i had to make sure the house was spic and spam, children was asleep toys picked up and dinner cooked even at 9'oclock in the evenings, i can still see myself willing my little ones to go to sleep while i sat on the top stair crying watching the clock slowly creep round to the time he walked in.

I protected my sons with a blanket of love they were my salvation the nights i would pick one up and put us three together just to have the feeling of warmth and closeness and saftey i lost count, husband got jelious and so would put the boys in our bed and then moan at me the following day he was exausted because he didn't sleep again i was blamed and as the little ones grew he didn't
help with any homework or schooling but expected perfection, my nights became days and my days became nights.

I have a skill and trained nine years for it i have run companys and have run my own buisness, i started again working for myself when i new things had to start changeing for me and my boys, yes i became successful as time wore on , his lack of commitment as a father and husband put more pressure on me as i had two roles to preform as well as work and run a home but his needs always had to come first, eventually something had to give, i started drinking, he brought a bottle of whiskey home and poured me a drink and honestly it was like nector, he watched me drink it and poured me another , i remember us both smileing as if he had found a magic potion to help me, those two drinks took me on a downward spiral, and he new it, for 15 years i had to have a drink everday to help me tick over, he took money from the buisness, changed the benifit and put the moneys in his account, told callers i was asleep when i wasn't, found fault in all my friends and family, till eventually i became dependant on him totaly.

The only time I didn't drink was when he wasn't here, being alone while he took hoildays away two or three weeks at a time, went away weekends, even stayed at his brothers or sisters for christmas or new years i always felt like a weight had been lifted and never drank, the three of us always had more fun alone without him, the boys as they older noticed how he used to humiliate me infront of his friends and family, shout at me to make him look bigger and in control, played mind games with me and my sons when he was at home.

I used to think i was going mad as he always said i needed help, he would scream at me " why do i always keep doing this or that to hin" I remember always thinking to myself why do i always do it wrong, where do i always go wrong whats wrong with me, doeasn't matter what i do i can never make this man happy!

From 2001 to 2002 i lost three members of my family in ten months my parents and a nephew, i had to single handed handle every aspect a funeral needs not once but three times all three were buried in the same place same hole, when i crawled into bed with my father and told him to find my mum and my nephew while i cradled him to sleep my world fell apart, my grief started for three members of my family all in one hit.

My husband took full advantage, i had then started drinking alot more than i ever did, he would close doors on me and put bottles of wine and cigerettes in my room for me, i lost myself in grief. he then had full control, all his family took pity on him, for three years the abuse i suffered at his hands were unimaginable even my inheritance was put into his account i couldn't even begin to tell you what i sighned away.

My sons started to look apon me as a very sick woman, he had my sons now in his control and they because of my failings beleived everything that was said and saw.
I ended up alone confused and hurt from the inside out.

I woke one morning as if a cloud had lifted i layed there listening to birds singing outside my bedroom window the sun bounced from one wall to another as i watched silouettes danceing around the room. I got up showered washed my hair changed my cloths and walked downstairs to a very quite house, I wandered from room to room takeing in what i had so missed, made myself a cup of tea sat down lit a cigerette and dialed the doctors for the first time in ten years.

He took one look at me and said I new you would wake up and cuddled me, our family doctor new my parents me and my sons so well, what happened then after me crying in my hands ,standing nearly shouting, paceing his room then sitting again stareing blindly out my doctors window, i new i had to get my power back!

He wrte me percription for antidepressants but said you don't have to take them.... I walked out of there and held my head up high, i new though that what lies ahead is going to be more unhealthy and i did fear for my sanity.

He the husband through rages like i had never seen before, acted on more than one occation like two year old, demanded to know what tablets i'm on because who ever precribed them didn't no what he was doing and they were not strong enough!, and so after a few months of me giving into his whims wants and needs, i one winters morning heard a voice so deep within my own soul that i had never heard before, while he layed like a broken twig on the couch with his arm placed neatly across his forhead, moaning at me again. ............I walked into the kitchen picked up the box of pills walked back in and threw them at him with a voice straight out from the excorsist, I HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY YOU NARCSISTIC PEICE OF S..T.

Well this man had lied stealed borrowed over a seven year spat, and i was just waiting for him to trip up and he did that morning.
I compiled so much evidance against him as the following years and months rolled on, that to list everything on here and to be absoloutly frank with all of you that is reading this ,i have read nearly every single one of your lives and what you all have been abused by and i also have nodded at each thing you wrote and more.

Why am I still married, it,s simple, i took my vowles seriously, love honour and obey till death.

My sons even this weekend in coming home for sunday with there familys still see my scars not visable to everyone, and yes i still have to take myself off to my bedroom to escape the narcsisum sometimes if it,s only for a day, I know what I have here now and no as the books will tell you as they get older the chances of a cure is next to none for a NPD, I know I am an enabler I have let this person run and nearly distroy me and my sons, the three of us now talk about daily how we all are and there partners are coming to terms why sometimes my sons show signs of a detachment emionally towards them, my sons though are trying and do say mum why didn't you run away with us, that is something i will live with regret and will never can ever make up to my sons that i stayed with a man that even this weekend professed to us all that he never loved me only married me because i was pregnant, wants me to emionally detatch myself from him and just to be his friend.

Well i'm not his friend and yes iam emionally detched from him, and no i do not love him, my sons know all of this and will say to you all, if I can save another woman and mother going through what i have by telling my story, to have the courage and strenght from deep inside to run away as far as you can then DO IT please.

I made the most biggest mistake of my life I stayed all because i took my vowls seriously!

A mother and wife xxxxx

stressed2007 Tue 20-Oct-09 08:51:31

I am speechless.

I think this will really help AboardtheAxiom and other women on here that need to find huge amounts of inner stength.

You are a very strong women.
God bless you x

stressed2007 Tue 20-Oct-09 09:02:24

If life has been/is so unhappy is it too late for you to seperate now? Many of us on here are not young but it doesn't mean we have to continue the way we are if we are so unhappy. Is this something you want? Is this something your sons could help you with if you did?

I appreciate this is not the reason for your posting. It was to offer strength to others and I know many many readers on here will draw strength from your story even if they do not post so thank you on behalf of all the women who will learn and grow stronger from your generosity at sharing your story.

violet101 Tue 20-Oct-09 09:44:16

I am so sad to read what you have gone through - and so glad you have come out the other side. But most of all I am glad that you found this site, us and posted your story.

I have nodded at much of what you have written - I am yet to write my story but I have finally told my H that I'm sick of being treated like something on the bottom of his shoe and want a divorce. Buts its taken me years to get to this point (we are still in the same house) and the sole reason for this is that I too have 2 boys and I have been guilt ridden about taking them away from their Dad. But I do now believe that in fact I'll be doing them a favour. I don't want them to grow up thinking that this is how a relationship should be, that its ok to treat a partner, wife like this.... and so I have enlisted the services of a lawyer - but as the cogs turn slowly he's being super nice and I think believes that in doing so, it'll all blow over. It won't, but I am bricking it over how he will be when he realises this.

But thank you for posting. Please know these posts do help. Just as He's being nice and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, along you come and remind that yes, of course I am. I owe it to my children.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

violet101 Tue 20-Oct-09 10:01:33

I just wanted to add (as I know it will be 'us' who read this brave lady's post - for those who are wondering about going on ADs....

I take them. Have done on and off, initially due to losing my daughter 10 years ago. I could manage without them, but every time H and I go through a particularly bad patch, I spiral down (yet again) - I recognise the feeling now and my GP is brilliant about helping me out.

The thing is its because of him that I take them. They have helped me to regain my self esteem, they have taken away the anxiety and are giving me the strength to do now what I have to do.... I don't think I'd have the strength without them.

No-one will give you a medal for struggling along without them so if you think they would help, see your GP. Sometimes I do resent havign to take them because of him, but at teh end of the day, when I'm finally free, then maybe I'll be ready to come off them.... so its not for life, but it is for now.

There is no shame in taking them. But they can do alot of good too.

Be strong x

NicknameTaken Tue 20-Oct-09 10:17:42

Thank you, yournotalone, it is very generous to share your story. It helps those thinking about leaving, and also those (like me) who have recently left and find ourselves wondering if it was the right thing to do.

It's not too late to leave him and be free, even after 30 years. Please leave him.

mathanxiety Tue 20-Oct-09 17:24:17

I just hope your story is not over yet. Hope the remaining chapters will have a very happy outcome for you. xxx

ScaryFucker Tue 20-Oct-09 17:39:57

thank you so much for posting that

I do feel it will help someone, somewhere

I wish the world for you, too

dittany Tue 20-Oct-09 17:44:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety Tue 20-Oct-09 17:59:22

You both took vows. Marriage is a contract in many respect, and there are some things that are deal breakers. You could walk out of this with your head held high and your integrity intact and no-one would ever think ill of you. In fact, they would cheer for you. And right up front would be members of the clergy of pretty much every religion and denomination in the land. Marriage is not meant to be a punishment or a life sentence for anyone. It is supposed to be a life enhancing journey. It is supposed to be a public affirmation of love and responsibility, an example to your community and to your children of commitment and giving, not an excuse for one person to run rough-shod over a shackled spouse.

I would listen to what your sons say, and ask yourself how much happier they would also be if they were sure their mum was safe and happy. This is probably painful and frustrating and difficult for them to witness, and it is a credit to you that they obviously care so much about you and see so clearly the rights and wrongs of what's going on. They are starting out in adult life and they must feel very responsible for you and want to protect you.

poshsinglemum Tue 20-Oct-09 18:01:22

Love and honour fair enough. ObeY? No way.

But has this man loved and honoured you?

Not a bit. Please get out of this sham of a marriage

dittany Tue 20-Oct-09 18:28:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Digitalis Tue 20-Oct-09 23:38:51

Yournotalone you come across as a very kind and deeply caring lady who has dealt with unspeakable treatment over many many years.

The other posters are right and your H broke his marriage vows a very long time ago. Women don't have to stay in abusive marriages any longer, it's recognised that abuse isn't just defined as beating the wife black and blue - it's emotional, sexual or financial as well as physical abuse and it sounds like you've been doing lots of research and have realised this.

You've put your H first for far too long. There's still time for you to have your own life and to find happiness even if it is on your own. Please put yourself first at this time in your life. Let your boys help you or call Women's Aid or confide in your GP. You have a right to a safe and secure life too no matter what your age.

Good luck

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Wed 21-Oct-09 00:10:01

Wow sad

You need to leave this man.

fairyliquid123 Wed 21-Oct-09 00:36:56

Hi Yournotalone - I too am speechless. You have certainly honoured your vows. He has not. Marriage is, and always has been, an equal relationship where both love and honour. If you chose to obey, he is likely to have agreed something different, e.g. "to cherish". Clearly he has not honoured this. Are you religious/christian? If this is stopping you leaving - google domestic/emotional abuse, divorce and christianity/bible. You'll get a variety of opinions but many feel its OK to divorce in 2 situations - infidelity (definately OK) and abuse (most say OK). Divorce is a moral dilema that I have grappled with but, if the relationship is not one of equals and one abuses their power, it is not a relationship. Marriage is about relationship.

I took great interest in your story and am picturing myself in 10 years in the same situation. In this respect, you were inspitrational!

yournotalone Wed 21-Oct-09 12:15:18

Thankyou all so much I seriously meen that from the bottom of my heart. what Is happening now since I had posted my story and have re read all your so sincere answer and advice.

Well ........... as I take a deep breath........ ive had enough, I have been so wrong and I hold myself completley responsible for allowing so many years to go on..... yes I feel strong but my battle scar do show every now and then.

I am so glad I found you all ,you all have given me strenght.

With much fondness and thoughts to you all.
xxxx

Lemonylemon Wed 21-Oct-09 12:57:58

I so, so hope you find the strength to leave this man..... I echo what other posters have said on the subject.

This is not a marriage - it is a contract of abuse.....

Your battle scars will show - acknowledge them with pride - you have come through so much and you yet have so much more to do.

Your sons will help you and they sound like they'd go to the ends of the earth for you...... What a fantastic mum you are.....

fabnewlife Wed 21-Oct-09 13:26:40

You owe this man nothing.

Hullygully Wed 21-Oct-09 13:31:21

Time to go now...you've served your sentence.

allok Wed 21-Oct-09 13:49:50

YOurnotalone

Your story is moving and yet familiar to quite a few of us.

You certainly have an inner core strength and are very very dignified in the face of this.

Perhaps it's time now to move on from him - you don't need him, he needs you - yet has done nothing for you except drain your life blood.

God didhe really tell you he never loved infront of your boys? Is his mentally ill?

Go get yourself a nice life - you're a great mother and will be even greater to adult kids once you can be yourself again.

He is a SHIT.Shame on him. You, on the other hand, deserve the very best.

allok Wed 21-Oct-09 13:56:44

In fact kick him out that complacent and nasty little excuse for husband and father. You're kids will be over to ensure you're OK.

fairyliquid123 Wed 21-Oct-09 23:05:10

Yournotalone - don't think that because your kids are older, no more damage can be done in the family. My DS1 really stuggles with his EA grandmother. He see what she does and is sometimes at the receiving end of it. He feels very uneasy in her presence now he is old enough to make sense of things. He also worries that he will end up like his grandmother and dad. So the abuse continues to affect each generation as they are born into the family. Your future grandchildren may well be affected in years to come by decisions you make now.

StirlingNeedsAHoliday Wed 21-Oct-09 23:32:33

You are a brave lady and an amazing mother - your ds's must love and respect you so much.

But dont spend all of your life doing what others want you to do - you must realise that you can be happy too. And when Mum is happy the ds will see a different person and be happy too.

I so hope that you get strength from the support on here.

Take Care x

yournotalone Thu 22-Oct-09 07:33:05

abuse comes in shapes and forms, it can be from a simple to make your husband a drink because he asked for one to the extreme of when there is no hot water and he had ran a bath and ended up sitting in cold water, hearing him screaming to me down the stairs to fetch hot water while he still sat in the bath i was running up and down the stairs with boiling water from the kettle and all pots of water from the hob, ............just so the screaming stopped and he was happy.

And yes my sons saw and heard most, things started coming to a head a couple of years ago when my eldest on noticeing I was slideing in the wrong mental state yet again after my husband pushed me from behind i lost my balance and fell onto my knees causing them to bleed, my eldest grabbed my husband forceably my the scruff of his neck and pinned him in a corner." I'm a man now papa if you ever touch mum again I swear you will have me to deal with".

My youngest also threatend his father, I ended up with two of the most precious gifts any mother could want but at a cost, I was to fragile and scared to do anything back then only to start keeping a diary of events.

xxx

Lemonylemon Thu 22-Oct-09 09:36:37

But now you can......

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