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partners friendships with other women.how do you feel?

(27 Posts)
goinginsane Mon 13-Jun-05 12:47:25

my husband gets in really well with another woman and I hate it.There i've said it.every party we go to there they are deep in conversation he admits he likes being with her and talking to her(they are on the same wave lenghth).The thing is this woman makes no attempts to be my mate and it gets to me.I know that she has a thing for him and i dont think she would act on it.But it gets on my boobs.Am i over reacting?changed my name incase they read it

ninah Mon 13-Jun-05 12:49:35

probably
but I would feel the same ..

jessicasmummy Mon 13-Jun-05 12:49:37

i would be pretty pissed off tbh.

YOU are his wife NOT this other girl.

If im out with DH and he is talking to another woman, i usually sit and wait til he's finished, after watching the whole time, and then grill him... it doesnt happen often though - i usually have to prise DH off of me so i can go to the toilet!

You need to see what he thinks of this other girl. If he is admitting to liking her - on what level?!

Freckle Mon 13-Jun-05 12:51:34

It's all a question of trust, isn't it? If you trust your partner, it really shouldn't bother you who they talk to. If you are concerned that he might take the relationship one step further, then perhaps you need to look at your own relationship and see why you think that.

QueenFlounce Mon 13-Jun-05 12:53:00

Goinginsane - Its one thing for him to be close to her, but I would NOT be happy with the fact she makes no effort to be friends with you!

One of my best friends is male. He has been with his gf for 6 yrs and they have 2 dd's. Me and BF are quite close and always have loads to talk about.... the old times.... going out on the pull etc etc. But I am now very friendly with his GF so as far as I know it's not a problem. His GF and I probably spend more time together.

Does your DH know how much it bothers you?

Listmaker Mon 13-Jun-05 12:53:15

I wouldn't like that at all and I'm not an overly jealous or clingy person. It's just disrespectful to you to spend so much time with a woman who is not friendly to you. How would he feel if you did the same? That's the way I always judge my behaviour - I bet he'd hate it.

Not sure what you can do about it but I'd make a stand as he needs to know that it's not acceptable and he's on the verge of crossing that invisible line.

elsmommy Mon 13-Jun-05 12:54:37

I think I'd be pissed off.

Maybe you could try harder to be friends with this woman so you could keep an eye on things.

debs26 Mon 13-Jun-05 12:57:23

dps best friend is a girl and i know they both fancy each other, its never been a secret. she is perfectly nice to me but is his mate, not mine. i dont think i have any right to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. i also have male friends (some of whom i have had flings with) and he has no problem either. you need to trust each other and if he doesnt deserve the trust its not much of a relationship anyway imo

goinginsane Mon 13-Jun-05 13:04:44

I ahve tried to be freinds with her but i don't ever know what to say to her.We had a huge row because dh and i went around to their house to a party last weekend and i went home to put the children to bed and in front of her he said that he loved me and would be home soon.3 hours later at 3 in the morning he got home.She just kept topping his drink up.1.he should of said no but 2 i wouldn't of expected someone who was a friend of mine to keep doing that.(Women stick together i thought).The next day we were invited around there again and my dh had already told her about the row we had.I went mad at him in private (he couldn't see it was wrong)then she came up to me and said "sorry i got him onto trouble it was my fault i kept pouring his drinks.It is just that he is sharing information about our lives with someone i don't know whether i like and i find it humiliating

debs26 Mon 13-Jun-05 13:10:08

if she was a bloke you wouldnt even be posting. and who doesnt talk to their friends when they have a row? i certainly do and i expect 99.999% of people on here do too. please dont take it the wrong way but i do think you are overreacting. if dp stayed out at the pub with the lads and was late home i would be mad but i wouldnt be jealous and jealousy can cause a lot of problems in a relationship

binkie Mon 13-Jun-05 13:12:47

I'm fine with dh having friendships with other women, but that's because he has & has always had loads of friends both male and female - basically he'll chat to (at?) whoever he thinks will chat back. As to whether they've got to be friendly to me too, well we don't necessarily need to like the same people so I don't really mind; however the essential is that as far as dh is concerned I would always be welcome if I wanted to join in.

Is your husband like that? If so, I wouldn't this particular one get to me. But if this friendship is unusual for your husband, and especially if the two of them are making you feel unwelcome, that cannot be right.

Listmaker Mon 13-Jun-05 13:16:17

I think there is a difference somehow between old friends (even ones there is history with) and new ones or ones that behave like this woman. I have male friends from years back and I wouldn't expect my dp to mind about it but I don't speak to them that often and if we were at a party and talking old times I'd love dp to join in and so would my friends. And I wouldn't spend all evening with them. I would hate to think I was making my dp jealous. You can just tell if something's not right and I think goinginsane has a gut reaction to this and she's right to. This woman is stirring up trouble diliberately IMO.

I can't exactly describe it but I think everyone knows when they are crossing that line I talked about before and it's the first step down a road that you may not want to go down. I've done it so many times in the past and would never do it again now. All my friendships are strictly platonic, not remotely flirty and totally open to dp to join.

Chandra Mon 13-Jun-05 13:18:36

If she is friendly towards DH but also towards me no problem, if she is ignoring me... that's another matter... However I would be very careful in complaining about her to DH, if he think you are jealous he may end up perceiving it as if he had a "chance" with that other girl that seems already very compatible with him. So, I think I would be annoyed, but be very careful not to attack her, avoid her, deal with the issue but be nice to her (difficult but worth it)

Wills Mon 13-Jun-05 13:18:55

I agree with binkie. I think it comes down to how willing your dh is to include you in their conversations. I have loads of male friends and I work in IT. This means that when dh and I are out and I spot someone to talk IT to unfortunately I do. This normally makes his eyes glaze over but I always work hard to include him. I think you need to tackle dh.

Gwenick Mon 13-Jun-05 13:19:48

I can see why you could be worried, but if re your friendship with her, could it just be that you wouldn't get along even if your DH wasn't friends with her. I know some of DH's male friends I rarely talk to as we just don't get along well, like wise he doesn't really 'relate' to any of my female friends.

Have you talked to your DH about it? Does he know how you feel?

Wills Mon 13-Jun-05 13:21:44

Not being funny but I thought I was going to "alert" my dh to the possibility of having a chance with someone then I think I would have to examine whether or not there already was a problem with my relationship.

Also wanted to add that it would piss me off if the woman didn't talk to me as that's downright rude! I would expect my dh to notice this and if not I would discuss it with him and expect him to attempt to resolve it i.e. to work hard next time to include me in the conversation and if it doesn't work to walk away from it with me.

charleepeters Mon 13-Jun-05 13:22:41

I thin it depends ont he type of frienship, i have been in situations when my partner (not current) has had a female friend and we used to hang around with her and even though they used to be an item you could tell it was pure friendship nothing else, but i have also been in the situation when my partner had a female friend and it made think it could have been more, especially when she wouls sit on his knee, playfully hug him and rub his leg, flick her hair and he would blatenty love it! but at the mometnt with my current fiance i would trust him with a female friend as i know in my heart he would never take it further - i think it depends on the relationship you have with your partner and the type f woman he is frineds with.

goinginsane Mon 13-Jun-05 13:23:57

This is the thing I am not normally a jealous or clingy person and have never had the hump about him talking to other women.But i am a woman and i know how they operate.If her husband came here and we were in the same situation i would not keep pouring him drinks when i knew she was expecting him home.If he had told me the next day that he had had a row I would not go straight up to her and say 2oh i hear you had a row last night".that is just one example of what winds me up.yes i think you hit the nail on the head she is stiring up trouble

colditz Mon 13-Jun-05 13:40:04

If she asks about your "rows" again, fix her with a glare and say "Why were you discussing mine and my Husband's private life?"

bamik Mon 13-Jun-05 14:37:43

I was going to post something like this today as well! I can totally understand what you mean. The difference is with my DH is it's lot & lots of mobile talk & texting and when I'm at work he goes to her house etc. The thing is, the girl is much younger (about 18-20 I think). The last convo we had today is that he will speak to whoever he pleases whenever he pleases! She called once at about 2:30am this was about 2 weeks ago. I questioned this and he told me today that it must have been one of the younger kids playing with her phone ????

It seems like he wants to have this 'friendship' in secret. He won't speak to her for too long if I'm in the room (what's that all about?)

The thing is, it's causing lots of problems between us. She told DH that I called her?? I've never spoken to her, but DH seems to believe that I did so it's like my word against hers. It's nuts!! We went to a fashion show once (that she was in) and he was acting as if he didn't even know her! After the show I couldn't understand why he was in such a rush to get me to go to the car and wait!

He said to me today that he 'likes' speaking with her. I even foound him speaking to her whilst he was lying in the bath!!! U may find me crazy, but that's not on!

This isn't the first time that this has happened. It happened before and the only reason I found out is becuase I ended up with a £400 BT Phone bill, where he had spent up to 1 and half hours on the phone talking to this girl! Sorry - but I did call the number concerned (even though he tried to but a marker pen through it). He was livid, but why are you spending to much time on the phone with this woman! I'd be lucky if I got 1.5 minutes of his time never mind 1 hour and a half!

Sorry goinginsane for stealing your thread, but I know exactly how U feel (so I may seem completely nuts as well).

In my relationship if the shoe was on the other foot, my DH would be having none of it and that's that. But he expects me to just accept it! Yep it's true that we have friends, male & female but there's got to be some sort of cut off! It's like when we first met, we would talk for 1-2 hours on the phone (mostly nonsense), but we enjoyed it. That was all part of us forming a relationship. But it's as though I see him doing the same thing, but with someone else.

What's going on . I feel really down at the mo and my heart is really pumping away (i can feel the pulse in my neck beating away like mad). It worries me as I'm now 17 + 2 pregnant and I don't want to stress myself out, but I also can't hide how I feel.

xx

Listmaker Mon 13-Jun-05 14:54:42

Blimey Bamik I would be seriously concerned in your place and don't think anyone would think it was strange to be p*ssed off about this 'friendship'. What your dh is doing is totally out of order and is an emotional affair if nothing else. The fact that he won't stop or doesn't appear to think it's wrong (he MUST know that's not acceptable at some level though surely?!) is totally disrespectful and awful of him. My dp's wofe behaved very similarly and eventually left him for the other man who was 'just a friend' of course!! It's rubbish and you need to take action before it's too late. Sorry to be so blunt but he's out of order there.

bamik Mon 13-Jun-05 15:37:41

Thanks Listmaker. No- you're not being blunt at all - you're being totally honest. You've hit the nail right on the head though. I would call it an 'Emotional affair'

I often wonder where all his emotions have gone to and it would seem that he has found someone that satifies his emtions. DH is a taker in terms of emtions. He's like a little puppy dog that loves to be stroked and doted on all the time and then I ask myself sometimes (well hang on - what about me?). If my Dh is home before 9pm then it must be a miracle. He's a personal trainer and he usually has lots of free time, but I can't understand why his free time is always in the evening. He comes home and is like, oh I was at so and so's house or he just says "I was out", then I get really ticked off! He keeps saying that he doesn't need to justify himself to me!

But then is this right? If my DH questions me about anything then I come up with answers as I feel it's his right to know. Is this a one way thing?

I feel like such a mug

goinginsane Mon 13-Jun-05 16:00:51

Bamik I am so sorry i really feel for you i just want to hug you.You don't deserve that and of course i know how you feel.I feel mad because my dh is talking to this woman and really getting to know her like he did me and i feel crushed.This is someone too who he enjoys talking to,and it is hard to cope with i don't feel like it is a normal man/woman freindship otherwise i wouldn't be posting on here.
Being pregnant to only heightens the emotions you must be feeling now and i agree with listmaker he is taking the p.Please don't worry about thread stealing you just keep posting for support xxxxxx

goinginsane Mon 13-Jun-05 16:05:21

I think the thing I wouldn't feel so bad if i was getting attention from him.Another thing when i listen to them talk sometimes he is telling her things about his childhood or what he does at work bla,bla these are things that i try to talk to him about and he tells her.I find out about his life when i ear wig as it were.Have you ever listened in or checked his text Bamik?

bamik Mon 13-Jun-05 16:15:14

Hi Goinginsane (((((((BIG HUG))))))) for you,

I really feel the same, as it is like when a man & woman 1st meet and they speak for hours about nothing. Well it's the same here. The thing is, he's see's NOTHING wrong with what he is doing at all. It's very fustrating. He then had the cheek to ask me to "call her then and aks her why she's calling me"! What a damn cheek. It's as though he is passing the buck! I just said look, I'm not married to her I'm married to you and it's your job to find the solution to whatever it is that is upsetting me!

I'm just sick of the lies and the sneaking around. I just want him to be open and honest. If this is just an innocent relationship, then what is there to hide?

I am just p'd off!

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