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Was I SO wrong/inconsiderate? Was I BU?

(21 Posts)
emmx Mon 19-Oct-09 15:34:45

Sorry this is a long one!

I had my first baby at the end of May and as a bit of backgroubd I split with my husband in December last year for various reasons. (wer're now back together again). Through my "best" friend (am wondering if she is now...) I met one of her friends who decided that I needed help/advice/support, which I did - in moderation. However she was very overbearing/intrusive and used to demand I give her regular text updates/call her etc and if I didn#t she would let me know through my friend! She did try to help me with finding out information about legal advice, etc. so I'm not denying her that, but I found it all a bit too much and it used to really irritate me that for one she felt I was hers to demand these regular updates and two that she used to use my other friend as a channel to let me know she was not best pleased. We used to see each other/speak at least once a week during most of my pregnancy. On top of that I was suffering from pre-natal depression linked to the fact that I had split from my husband (who had anger issues)and that I was very isolated from my family (I have posted on the Childbirth forum about that issue) and amidst all that was happening my so-called best friend, who I work with and is single and havingg split with her partner 3 years ago moved back with her parents and is still there, would not suppport me in being off sick - she used to tell me "there are people with terminal cancer at work who carry on coming to work, and if you don't come back I will find it very hard to defend your decision to stay off to anyone who quetions it" amking me feel even worse! Anyway towards the end of my pregnancy I and my husband started getting on better and thinking about maybe tryng to make another go of our relationship - he seems to have found a way tocontrol his temper and thats what persuaded me to try again. Anyway, I went into labour at 39 + 2 and it turned out to be a very short and intense labour (roughly 8 hrs) when I was given pethidine and it completely sent me off to another planet. The pain and contractions were soooooo intense and the contractions so close together so quickly I had absolutely no time to think about anything else other than what was happening to me - same with my hubby. It was a first experience for both of us, and anyway cutting tothe chase - my so-called best-friend has told me that both she and this other friend were very "narked" and upset/hurt that I didn't text or ring them before I went into hospital/while I was in hospital to tell them I had gone into labour! My "best" friend stayed away virtually completely for the whole of the first 4.5 mths after my son was born (although she and this other friend came to see us the day after my DS was born) ajnd the other friend has cut all contact completely! In my defence - the first thing after he was born by ec-s I rang my parents, my hubby rang his and then I rang my "best" friend from the delivery suite! He wasn't even an hour old! Ive tried to explain I didn't have a chance to think about anything but my labouor and it wasn't done to cut them or anyone out but apparently it was so hurtful they both have had a real problem with me/what I did (or didn't!) doThey both know I have a low self esteem and that I don't like to just ring up and expect them to drop everything to be with me/spk to me/liten to all my problems, etc as I know they are both very busy - and tbh the few times I did ring this "friend" ofmy best friend for a chat she barked down the phone at me that she was too busy wit her own daughter/other friends with problems/that her husband had been complaning that she was spending too much time with other people and not enough with him, so I decided I didn't want to be one of those people she says to others has been taking up too much of her time! I think I have cleared the air with my best friend, but I am still very wary of her - in particular because my family has also stayed right away for their own reasons and now I'm feeling very very low - my hubby works long hours up in London, etc. and because of all our problems I'm feeling less and less keen to spend time with my NCT group who are all reasonably wealthy people whose husbands work virtually 9 - 5pm and whose families have really stepped up to help them - it makes it very difficult for me to sit there and listen to them saying "oh my hubby's been great, he does this or he does that" or "my mother/MIL, etc comes every day to help me with my ironing/housework, etc" when I'm completely onmy own. Sometimes I feel quite bitter about it all and I don't want to come across as bitter or unfriendly so sometmes I just stay away. Anyway, was it SO wrong that we didn't think to text these friends/everyone else before I went in to have my baby? I know that if we'd had more time before we went in/between contractions that we probably would have sent text s to all and sundry letting them know but we didn't! (have the time that is). I'm just feeling so low right now and its really just on my mind all the time - I wish I could be harder hearted or whatever and just think "its up to them if they want to be petty" but I can#t even trust my own judgement on the matter! Help!

NicknameTaken Mon 19-Oct-09 15:49:03

No, you are not BU because you didn't text friends while in labour! That's insane. Frankly, I think you're well rid of these "friends".

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 19-Oct-09 15:52:59

No, of course you were neither wrong nor unreasonable not to have texted or caled while in labour! You really don't need these "friends", but I think you should be wary of cutting yourself off from others (eg, your NCT group), especially since you're feeling low already.

emmx Mon 19-Oct-09 15:54:07

thanks Nick - thats what my hubby says but they've jut been so bold about it - on top of it all, the friend of my friend was so rude to my hubby when we got back together - when she came to the hospital after my baby was born she completely blanked him - luckily he wasn't offended but still. It was my choice to get back together with him and surely my friends should respect that decision?

Anditsnotevenfriday Mon 19-Oct-09 15:54:34

Sorry can you please do some paragraphs ? This may garantee you a lot of people answering !

emmx Mon 19-Oct-09 15:58:06

sorry I just had to get it all out - wasn't thinking too far beyond commas and full stops as far a punctuation is concerned! its been knawing away for the last 4 mths - plus had baby on my knee while typing!

emmx Mon 19-Oct-09 16:00:17

sorry I just had to get it all out - wasn't thinking too far beyond commas and full stops as far a punctuation is concerned! its been knawing away for the last 4 mths - plus had baby on my knee while typing!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 19-Oct-09 16:02:26

[paragraphs]

Sorry this is a long one!

I had my first baby at the end of May and as a bit of backgroubd I split with my husband in December last year for various reasons. (wer're now back together again).

Through my "best" friend (am wondering if she is now...) I met one of her friends who decided that I needed help/advice/support, which I did - in moderation. However she was very overbearing/intrusive and used to demand I give her regular text updates/call her etc and if I didn#t she would let me know through my friend! She did try to help me with finding out information about legal advice, etc. so I'm not denying her that, but I found it all a bit too much and it used to really irritate me that for one she felt I was hers to demand these regular updates and two that she used to use my other friend as a channel to let me know she was not best pleased.

We used to see each other/speak at least once a week during most of my pregnancy. On top of that I was suffering from pre-natal depression linked to the fact that I had split from my husband (who had anger issues)and that I was very isolated from my family (I have posted on the Childbirth forum about that issue) and amidst all that was happening my so-called best friend, who I work with and is single and havingg split with her partner 3 years ago moved back with her parents and is still there, would not suppport me in being off sick - she used to tell me "there are people with terminal cancer at work who carry on coming to work, and if you don't come back I will find it very hard to defend your decision to stay off to anyone who quetions it" amking me feel even worse!

Anyway towards the end of my pregnancy I and my husband started getting on better and thinking about maybe tryng to make another go of our relationship - he seems to have found a way tocontrol his temper and thats what persuaded me to try again. Anyway, I went into labour at 39 + 2 and it turned out to be a very short and intense labour (roughly 8 hrs) when I was given pethidine and it completely sent me off to another planet. The pain and contractions were soooooo intense and the contractions so close together so quickly I had absolutely no time to think about anything else other than what was happening to me - same with my hubby.

It was a first experience for both of us, and anyway cutting tothe chase - my so-called best-friend has told me that both she and this other friend were very "narked" and upset/hurt that I didn't text or ring them before I went into hospital/while I was in hospital to tell them I had gone into labour! My "best" friend stayed away virtually completely for the whole of the first 4.5 mths after my son was born (although she and this other friend came to see us the day after my DS was born) ajnd the other friend has cut all contact completely! In my defence - the first thing after he was born by ec-s I rang my parents, my hubby rang his and then I rang my "best" friend from the delivery suite! He wasn't even an hour old! Ive tried to explain I didn't have a chance to think about anything but my labouor and it wasn't done to cut them or anyone out but apparently it was so hurtful they both have had a real problem with me/what I did (or didn't!) do.

They both know I have a low self esteem and that I don't like to just ring up and expect them to drop everything to be with me/spk to me/liten to all my problems, etc as I know they are both very busy - and tbh the few times I did ring this "friend" ofmy best friend for a chat she barked down the phone at me that she was too busy wit her own daughter/other friends with problems/that her husband had been complaning that she was spending too much time with other people and not enough with him, so I decided I didn't want to be one of those people she says to others has been taking up too much of her time!

I think I have cleared the air with my best friend, but I am still very wary of her - in particular because my family has also stayed right away for their own reasons and now I'm feeling very very low - my hubby works long hours up in London, etc. and because of all our problems I'm feeling less and less keen to spend time with my NCT group who are all reasonably wealthy people whose husbands work virtually 9 - 5pm and whose families have really stepped up to help them - it makes it very difficult for me to sit there and listen to them saying "oh my hubby's been great, he does this or he does that" or "my mother/MIL, etc comes every day to help me with my ironing/housework, etc" when I'm completely onmy own. Sometimes I feel quite bitter about it all and I don't want to come across as bitter or unfriendly so sometmes I just stay away.

Anyway, was it SO wrong that we didn't think to text these friends/everyone else before I went in to have my baby? I know that if we'd had more time before we went in/between contractions that we probably would have sent text s to all and sundry letting them know but we didn't! (have the time that is). I'm just feeling so low right now and its really just on my mind all the time - I wish I could be harder hearted or whatever and just think "its up to them if they want to be petty" but I can#t even trust my own judgement on the matter! Help!

thrifty Mon 19-Oct-09 16:03:04

gosh, not wrong about it being long, but i think i got the gist of it smile
- you and your dh split when you were preg
- overbearing friend tried to help but got cross when you didnt tell them you were in labour
- other friend not interested atm
- family not around to help/ dh works long hours?

they all sound a bit unreasonable tbh. You weren't wrong or inconsiderate to not let them know you were in labour fgs its not like you had time to think about it. I understand it's hard when you feel on your own. Try to do what you can for you and your ds, and accommodate others when it suits you. I would persevere with the NCT meet ups (when you feel like it) as you might make a good friend from it.

springlamb Mon 19-Oct-09 16:05:34

Not being unreasonable at all. My labour and birth with my ds (15 years ago!) was so traumatic that my mum turned up at the hospital the following morning in a huff because she wasn't getting enough info!!!
I found I had become someone's 'pet project' a few years ago. Don't know how. But I was expected to hang on her every word, take all her advice on marriage, childcare, fashion, even where I shopped, aspire to her level on everything. I can tell you, once I realised what I'd become, I ditched that 'friend'. I truly think she needed me to prop up her own self esteem. But I prefer friendship to be a two-way street.
Persist with the uneasy truce with your 'best' friend if you think the friendship worth it - after her lack of support during what must have been a hard time I'd be inclined to downgrade her to acquaintance, with no hard feelings.
Look to joining in with some other groups in your area, perhaps some pop-in groups at the local health centre or the local Surestart.
Good luck with getting your relationship with your partner back on track. My DH was working hellish hours during my dcs' early years. It's not easy - try to get some time together (and at least an hour-long bath all to yourself) each week.

olderandwider Mon 19-Oct-09 16:05:42

Hi there, sorry you are having such a hard time with your "friends" and are obviously feeling low. A quick aside, your post would be much easier to read if you paragraphed it.

Anyway, to answer your question- of course it is reasonable not to text anyone when you are in labour! Good gracious - once things get going who can think about anything but getting through the birth with a healthy baby at the end of it?

Your friends sound rather controlling, tbh, and don't sound a) supportive b) much fun. Perhaps they have tuned in to your low self-esteem and think they can treat you like some kind project - this is for your own good, sort of thing. Only you know if you are getting enough back from the friendship to justify the grief they seem to be giving you at the moment.
I think you should brave the NCT group - i made a couple of brilliant friends at mine, and you quickly work out who is on your wavelength and who is there just to buff up their yummymummmy halo. You have been through an awful lot and need support. Give the NCT bunch a chance - I promise, they won't all be finding new motherhood as easy as they make out. Take it gently at first - just invite a couple of mums over for tea and a chat if you can't face the whole group. Suggest a walk to the shops or park, or take the babies to a child-friendly cafe. If you initiate a few meetings, the other mums should respond and before you know it your diary is filling up. Be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for your friends' insensitive behaviour.

emmx Mon 19-Oct-09 16:15:18

When I told my friend that I didnt have time to think about anything else she cited at least 4 other instances when her family and friends were also in labour and found the time to text/phone to let her know what was happening and so doesn't understand why I didn't!

Yes also to the "pet project" - thats exactly how I felt/feel. Crazy - who does she think she is?

Not sure how I feel about my long standing friend. She was there through my probs with my hubby... its just the longer she goes on being single the harder her personality seems to be getting. Apparently she doesn't "do" sympathy/empathy unless she feels its warranted. (i.e. she's never wrong - or hardly ever!)

olderandwider Mon 19-Oct-09 16:50:28

A really supportive friend wouldn't dream of contradicting you about something as sensitive as how you behaved whilst in labour! What are friends for if not to boost you up when you need it and be understanding? Sure, they can put another point of view, but they should also be kind/tactful, or what's the point?

If your friend doesn't do sympathy, find some friends who do. Really, hard-faced friends are not much fun. Nor are those manipulative types who seem to make everything "all about them". These two sound toxic, tbh.

emmx Mon 19-Oct-09 18:14:11

Thanks for all your replies. I guess one of the prroblems re. my friend is that my family has never been there for me - particularly through some really horrible times but she has.

She knows how bad I feel and have always felt ab out my lack of contact with my family (which I have tried to rectify but haven not been successful with) and she's the one who has always been there to previously support me when I've needed it - i.e. in the run up to my wedding my mum was completely absent even though I asked her to be involved - I had no-one to come dress shopping with so in place of my mum I had my friend, she was the one who helped me with every stage of the planning, etc. She did the layout of the reception, plus lots of othe rnice stuff.

When I was going through all the awful stuff with my hubby she was there at the end of the phone to listen.

I have always tried not to take advantage of her and have been there for her as much or as little as she wants through stuff in her own life but as you've seen she doesn't like it if you don't tell her stuff/include her in everything, so I guess she has it like she wants it. She's always tried to be the "fixer" in everyone's life, but is one of those people who keeps a lot of her own problems inside. Thats her choice.

But, it seems, on the surface at least, that she's fed up with all my problems - which I could understand but a)she doesn't tell me whats wrong she just goes all distant and b) as before gets upset if I have a problem and don't tell her.

God! I just feel I can't win either way - she's been so good to me in the past, and since we've had our "chat" she's tried to be touch more and has come round with new clothes for my little one too like the proud auntie I always wanted her to be - I really did use to think of her more as a sister than just a friend.

Its just so difficult! I'm crap at confrontations! It either gets so emotional I can't speak or get out what I want to say/what I mean or I get really angry and go completely over the top! Aaaaargh!

p.s. hope this post has been easier to read ; ) and apols if the typing is not so good - my keyboard is crap and the cursor keeps jumping around in the text.

Thanks x

sayithowitis Mon 19-Oct-09 19:08:34

I don't know wha she would think of me then, because we didn't even tell parents I was in abour until DH left me a couple of hours after the birth! (no mobile phones in those days)

I think your 'friend is being very unreasonable. It doesn't matter what other people did or didn't do when they were in labour, you did it your way and it is not her place to criticise that. If she doesn't like it, tough. I would not apologise.

sparklefrog Mon 19-Oct-09 22:50:36

Both times I have gone into labour, my friends were never told beforehand. Some of my family knew as it was happening, but my main priority was getting myself to the hospital and focusing on myself.

Sounds like your friends are rather rude to you and a bit pushy, and imo with friends like those, you don't need enemies grin

Friends are supposed to be supportive, make you feel good about yourself, not feel like you are constantly going to get told off.

Do you feel like yr friends push you around?

I would carry on going to the NCT classes, and try to make new friends, and set boundaries.

sparklefrog Mon 19-Oct-09 22:56:49

And I can't help but notice how your friends didn't come to see you for 4 and a half months after your DS was born, sad, but they made sure they saw him a day after his birth, even though they were already apparently annoyed with you. hmm

Sounds to me like they didn't want to miss out on the new cute little baby, and that's the only reason they turned up then. They were frightened of missing something. Maybe I am reading too much into it though.

Most people love to see a new baby, but true friends would have stuck around when you needed them, especially in those first few weeks.

I understand your friend was there for you, but that's no reason to feel forever indebted to her.

Was it when she realised you were going to give your relationship another go that she backed off??

I would avoid them tbh if it was me. They sound like they will drag you down. There is much nicer people out there to be friends with.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Tue 20-Oct-09 00:14:11

OMG, and I didn't tell anyone anything, not a peep, until I'd actually had my DS.... Oh crap, was I supposed to phone and text them?

Nah, bugger that, what are they going to do, have the babay for me?

I think you've outgrown your friends, i think that they are NOT friends. Friends don't do that.

As the saying goes, with friends like that.. who needs enemies eh?

Rethink your friendship, keep plugging away with the NCT lot for example, open up a bit. You never know. It's worth a shot!

Good luck

Lemonylemon Tue 20-Oct-09 10:21:34

OLKN Your "friends" need to get over themselves. They are not friends. They are gossip mongers and emotional vampires, who have nothing better to do than to hover over someone who has problems.

Most people don't go ringing all and sundry when they go into labour - they just contact the essential people.

A lot of people have problems with their family letting them down. And as the saying goes - "your friends are the family that you make for yourself".

As has been advised previously, I'd keep going with the NCT group - go with the flow with them - just because their circumstances might be different from yours, doesn't make them "aliens". You might find that you make some very, very good friends there.....

emmx Tue 20-Oct-09 14:42:16

thanks everyone for reassuring me - as I said before I never have much confidence in myself to know whether I'm doing/saying the right thing or not and one thing that I've realised is that she (and the other friend)just always seems SO disapproving all the time - unless of course I go along with what she thinks! I seem to spend my time worrying that I've upset her with something I've said or done! I think she's turned into what I think you'd call an "alpha female". Thanks again for your advice I really appreciate it. x

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 21-Oct-09 03:30:35

Lemonylemon, that's not my post, it's the OP with paragraphs! grin

Glad you feel more supported, emmx.

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