Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
what do you think?(10 Posts)
Hi, I wonder if you could give me some advice, I have not posted the whole story, but here is a brief outline.
Grew up with bi polar father, who mentally and physically abused, for example, threw dinner plates across room, threw furniture across rooms, hit us with belt buckles etc, shouted and generally was abusive towards us.
Mother was a people pleaser, weak enabler, she claims she tried to leave but father would charm people to tell him where we were and she was scared he would hurt us if he found us, so she went back.
I was disturbed from it all, very clingy etc, brother developed chronic asthma which lead him to the escape of hospital regularly, and nice treatment when he returned due to stress of the continual abuse and arguing of both parents that went on every weekend!
Father had no time for me, took brother on holidays and did nice things with him, never me. Father used to make me do illegal things for him, to do with tax evasion when I was 9!
Father left when I was a teen, Mother had always been neglectful, not in a clean house sort of way, but in an emotional way, her job, her social life, her stuff always came first, she looked upon me as a baby sitter to miss school to care for ill brother as her job was most important etc. Me and not brother to do housework, you get the picture, and she would write big notes all over the house accusing me of being lazy, and from the age of 13 she would shout at me that she hated me and wanted me to leave, and as soon as I was sixteen she would have me out of her house, she just seemed to hate me and blame everything that went wrong in her life on me.
Father also made us move, I went to 13 primary schools, I am talking countries, cities the lot, move move move!
I became a very compliant, people pleasing person!
I got depressed by 16, as gcse's, parents had split that year, father was admitted to mental hospital and continually wanting things off me, and friend was murdered, I did not do well at exams and took an overdose, I was slapped across the face by my mother, and treated even worse. She went nuts at me for the hospital wanting family therapy and she and my brother never forgave me, and continually called me nuts like my father from that day. My brother never had anything to do with me after that overdose! So I pretended to everyone I was ok, for peace in my life and carried on very unhappy! THe older I got the more I realised that my childhood had been terrible, and I had an underlying anger in side of me of anger they had treated me that way, anger that they did not like or love me, and despiration for them and others to like and accept me.
I made bad firendship choices, and good ones also, I always feel there was something wrong with me and despirate for people to like me.
Forgot to add, that my mum's family never had anything to do with us properly as my father before I was born stabbed my uncle, never told why, but always felt outsider as it was always awkward and his name could not be mentioned, it even ruined my wedding long story!
I went through life, continually people pleasing etc, had boyfriends etc, then met my ex husband, he was the first person in my life to make me feel loved and like a princess, that soon changed once he had me moved in with him and pregnant, but by then it was too late, the marriage was not terrible, but once the honeymoon period was over, the mental abuse from him, brain washing, affairs he had, twisting events to make me doubt myself began. He got even more abusive towards me after he left, it was horrible what he did, don't want to go into it but the mental torture of him taking me to court telling lies, which to his own admission was not to have the kids for himself but to have them taken off me, this abuse continues to this day financially, years later, and yes courts are involved, it is very slow!
I came to realise the bad friendships choices the friends who I had been there for through thick and thin, well when I needed people they one by one, disappeared, that made me more needy and made the abuse I was suffering even worse as I was more and more isolated.
My father never had any interest or offered any help to me, he knew the kids were potentially going to be taken off me, he did not seem to care as usual all he cared about was himself, i told two cousins, they did not even ring to find out how I was, I now realise they rang when they did for info and to gossip etc...
My mother left me to be abused for nine months after ex left, when he left she made no effort to be kind, hug me, do anything for me, nothing all she kept saying was she was stressed as her brothers were diagnosed at the same time with cancer and I understand that was hard for her but she was never close to them, as they rejected her and hardley saw her when my dad caused the problems.
The day mymohter decided that she would actually listen to what was going on with the ex abusing me, was nine months later when he treatened to kill me and take the kids off me and destroy me, this man had been telling me to die and abusing me and kids ofr months, she did not care before, but as it was on xmas day and as she heard it and he was abusing her and calling her scumb she decided it was real after all and that it was not good.
She then was on my side so to speak after that, but never wanted to get her hands dirty with any work, she occasionally helped with the kids and leant me money for legal fee's, and sat in court with me, but never helped me so to speak with legal work or solicitor appointments, or anything like that, she helped me twice without payment to do work around the house, she babysat on occasions, but she didn't want the kids as they were traumatsied and upset, and dragging me down to a depression with the abuse and their behaviour, she didn't want to the hastle of it all.
Anyways I hung on in there and this weekend, after being ignored for ever by my father I calmly asked him why he had missed something, his response oh I forgot, oh you know i am not well, I then cried and said he had never loved or liked, me, he went bonkers on the phone and screamed at me. He has not been taking his meds regularly as he had a g/f the last year and he told me a few omnths ago that he thought my mum had althzeimers, the thing is he is controlling and convicing even though he is mental. Now he has my mum convinced that I am mental, that I should be locked up and that he was going to ring social serivces!
I want nothing to do with them, as she is wanting me to go to a dr, when I was despressed I went to a dr, they told me that I was suffering from stress from the situation, or that I was depressed from the situation, I had counselling and was happy with the results.
The thing is the family and friends do not like the changes in me, they don't like the fact, I went from a people pleaser that was controllable to someone who stands up for themselves and is angry and recovering from abuse!
I have told the family I want no more to dow ith them, I am scared they will harm me and my kids, that father is nuts, certified by psychiatrist and he had electric shock treatment and he is controling and my dumb mum who he left when I was a teen listens to the crazy man.
I want to move away as they may cause me damage, and mostly I am scared they will call the ex, and he will love it and use it, he is fuming he has to pay so much for kids, he has not seen them for six months his choice.
I sort of came to the realisation that my family never liked or loved me, that they are not right, and the reason that I was ripe pickings for an abuser, and my mum hates that I say that and wants to know the name of the counsellor and goes nuts saying counsellors have problems of their own.
I want to be free of people hurting me, I have to admit I did silly things to get attention from my family, but I am not a bad person.
Do you think it bast to start again and move away with the kids?
Yes. Leave them to it.
You earn the right to be a parent/brother/sister its not a biological right and as far as I can see none of them have earnt that right.
Start again on your own and concentrate on your children.
Just re read this and after a lengthly family court process, the abusive ex, withdrew when I showed him up in his lies, he had not seen the kids since, his choice!
mankymummy, wow thanks for the quick response. I have no idea where to move to, I was looking on the net at area's to move to that have no links to the past.
I have had to start again so many times as a child, but my children have had a very stable life in the same house for years, it will be tough for them, they have had so much trauma in their lives due to their father.
I am throwing everything not my kids since the end of the court case, it was horrible waiting for reports etc, it has taken a long time to realise that there is no evidence to take the kids off me, I knew I did nothing wrong, but if another false allegation is made about me, from my family this time it could cause a whole new court case and makes me feel sick, or if dad convinces mum I am loopy, it makes me feel sick, why is she so dumb that she believes a mental man, and won't listen to me that I am recovering from trauma and abuse.
You can't live your life based on what they may or may not do.
If your children are old enough, maybe you could involve them in making a choice about where to go. If you look at the move as something you are doing with and for your family (ie you and your children) you will feel more positive about it.
Together you will get through anything. Look at how far you've already come.
Wishing you the very best of luck.
Perry thanks, so you both think it is a good idea to start again and move away from the past? It is such a big decision to make, I will be moving to an area where we know no one! It feels kind of exciting like an adventure, but scarry.
I also like the idea that the family and the ex not knowing anything now, they have always had me spill my guts and chase after them, tell them everything, do everything to please them and they will not know where we have moved to, I will tell the ex if he takes me to court, I would not have been like this but after what he did to us in court it is like my way of keeping control of what I can for as long as I can after he was a puppett master for so long, he has our mobiles and email and he doesn't show any interest in the kids anyway!
I was probably wrong, but when I found out that my dad was going to speak to social serices, I was in such a state, I was shaking and screaming with fear and anger it brought me back to the injustice of what happened before, I was hysterical only some one who has been through the family courts and had lies told about them, would understand. I told them that my dad was going to social services and it would start a new court case, they were hysterical also, and they phoned my mum with me crying and them crying and they told her that if he did that they did not want anything to do with him again, he would ruin their lives again! When lies are told about a mother, the children are assessed and interviewed by strangers, it traumatised us all, we are only just recovered from it all, and we are only at a stage where in life we are feeling safe and happy again and he threatened that on me.
I have no idea what he was going to tell them anyways, probably that he thought I was mental, but thinking about it now, when social services did that one off assessment, I did tell them that my father was abusive and bi polar, and the court documents had access to my medical files, not that social serices were involved in the court case they were angry actually at the ex for wasting their time, but what I am saying is that I would have had evidence if he called social services that there was nothing wrong with me.
This stuff also of my mum saying that she feels my thinking is all wrong, and her anger at the counselling having changed me is to do with her guilt and anger, she does not like my thinking now probably because it is healthy and that is probably due to her thinking being wrong. Also I think she is bored of the problems and wants me to go back to the person I was and to do all I did before, where as I have no intension of listening to her rubbish for hours on end, of agreeing with her racist fears, or listening for the millionth time about how her life was so bad and all the horrible things that happened to her, she always turns things to be around her, never listens, continually changes the subject and talks over people! I know her mum beating her with a stick was wrong, I know that what my dad did was wrong, but bloody hell she goes on about it at least once a week, I am in my thirties I don't want to hear that stuff anymore, and she even goes on about woo is me, everything in my life was so bad, to my kids after all they have been through!
I only revisited my child hood, when I got depressed as a teen and realised I had been abused, when I first became a parent myself, and pointed out to me Dad what he did was wrong! and after the trauma of the abuse from the ex husband, near the end of the counselling, it is not something I harp on about 24/7! It was just that after I realised that in order to be abused I had been conditioned by my first family to be ripe for it, that I got angry at them for the abuse, for not supporting me and not loving me etc, and I set up some tests for them, which of course they failed, for instance, there was a special occasion, it was ignored and calmly after a week I told my dad about it, that sort of thing, just tests to see if they were treating me correctly, as that was the big thing the counsellor told me to do, redefine boundaries and sit back and wait and watch.
by the way the racist fears thing is that she is fearful and angry about imigrants, and them taking her bus pass, and pension and how she has to work part time and they come here and take all the money from the country and it is suck dry from all these people sort of comments, she goes on about how much tax she has payed, she annoys me as she says it infront of my kids and I hate it, as it is just rubbish, as my thinking that I have to tell the kids after is that england took all sorts from those countries in the past that made this country rich, and that we are very fortunate compared to other countries, and the thing is my mum is just scared and fearful and blaming others for the injustice of what she feels is being done to her by the government, I tell her to speak to her mp if she is so cross and she looks at me like I am bonkers.
Considering what you'd already been through with the family courts etc I would've said that being angry and scared about more allegations being made was an entirely normal reaction.
I'd take it all at your own pace. Do a little research on places you're interested in. If there's somewhere you like the sound of, visit and get a feel for the place.
My guess is that you'll make friends no matter where you go.
Thanks Perry, I had researched the area a bit on the net, and I planning on some day trips to the area, I want to move to somewhere, where ex and I have no previous connections for a fresh start.
It is scary etc, but in time we will make aquantances and hopefully some friends.
I always thought people who had no one around them were weak, sad and unlikable in the past, I now think that they are strong people who won't put up with second best, I feel so strong after all that we have been put through these last few years that I simply don't need anyone now. It is lovely to be around people and share experiences etc, but I no longer Need people!
Wow, Mummie, sorry that your birth family and H were all so horrible. Good luck in starting afresh with your kids in a new place. I think the day trips are a great idea.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.