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aaaaagghhh. pls need some support over non loving dh.. quick sun night fix needed

(14 Posts)
keeplaughing Mon 19-Oct-09 00:09:21

apologies if double post. need hug, dh doesn't love me (his words) i keep hanging in, not sure why. he won't have sex with me (but uses internet porn) won't leave (as he 'can't afford to')refuses to sleep in another bed. He is big time passive aggresive with me and i am struggling to cope, recently redundant from full time work he expects me to do. ( he is self employed so expects me to make sure we have anough money to live on, oh and pay for private school for our son, etc etc)

Tortington Mon 19-Oct-09 00:10:52

file for divorce even though you are living together - make a decision one way or the other and force the issue

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 19-Oct-09 00:15:22

That doesn't sound like passive aggressive - just sheer aggressive/unpleasant.

Sounds like you need help to leave him and build a better, more positive life for you and your DS - not a quick fix.

keeplaughing Mon 19-Oct-09 00:15:39

thanks custy, am scared,

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 19-Oct-09 00:15:48

Why on earth are you trying to 'hang in'? Your life will be unbelievably better once you get rid of this parasite. Have a look at your options and status regarding finance/the family home/access, then tell hiim (depending on your research and particular circumstances) that you are leaving/he is leaving the family home and that's that.
Trying to maintain a couple-relationship with someone who either wants to leave or wants you to carry on providing domestic service but not expecting anything in return is bad for you and should not be done.

Tortington Mon 19-Oct-09 00:16:21


keeplaughing Mon 19-Oct-09 00:20:24

custy - of? destroying ds family - he loves it. of being by myself.

cherryblossoms Mon 19-Oct-09 00:22:07

keeplaughing - I think you'll find life outside of this relationship a vast improvement. My guess is that this situation has really brought you down, sapping courage, self-belief and happiness.

From the outside, I think anyone reading your post is thinking "Go".

Living with someone who tells you they don't love you, 24/7 is absolutely no way to live your one and only life. Seriously, think about how amazing it's going to be; that morning you wake up, feeling utterly joyful to be alive, feeling strong and independent - not wretched and dreading your current dh's first mean words. Think about walking through your home, making yourself breakfast, not worrying about what your dh is going to do, and trying to avoid annoying him.

keeplaughing Mon 19-Oct-09 00:25:16

SGBrass, i so agree, give me more, I am thinking of ds, he will be distraught. also am scared for me and will be financially strapped. am prepared for good talking to. No parents to do it

Tortington Mon 19-Oct-09 00:33:39

you would be better of by yourself. and do you think tht your ds should really grow up in this environment - no matter how much you think he doesn't notice - he notices. You are then teaching your son that its the norm for dads to treat mums like shit - and thats really rubbish parenting.

of being alone - completely understand - but imo thats better than being where you are now.

financially - you have to work out whats what. work out assets and income, benefits and who pays what.

sit down with dh - quit any 'woe is me' ditzy shit and in a calm and business like manner tell him that you are goint ot file for divorce - you think the finances look like xxxxx, does he agree? would he pay the school fees or should son go state?

it might make him have a conversation with you

men don't respond well to hysteria and crying i find, however they suddenly get a joly up the arse when you think you would do perfectly well without them.

esp. if you mention that you are yound and you deserve to be loved. you want to end the relationship becuase you want someone who will love you the same way you love them.

remember this bit and say it

you refuse to go through life sexless. you want to have a loving sexual relationship with someone.

- then he thinks...shit...she will have another mans dick -

whereas his train of thought will have been about sex with other women - i bet my arse it didn't cross his mind that you will have sex too.

cherryblossoms Mon 19-Oct-09 00:33:41

As for ds ...

How would you feel if, in fifteen years, twenty years time, you go visit ds and realise he's in your relationship? Either as you or your dh?

If you wouldn't want that for him, you shouldn't accept it for yourself.


How are you going to explain your relationship, unpleasant and loveless as it is, to your ds as he gets older? Things will come up and you will find yourself in a really awkward position.


How depressed are you going to be if he grows up thinking it's normal for two people living intimately to live so lovelessly? And for one to tell the other, and to demonstrate, he doesn't love her?

True, he'll learn for himself there are other ways to live, may even grasp it intuitively. But ... it's an issue that is as valid as the fact that he may well want his parents to stay together.

cherryblossoms Mon 19-Oct-09 00:35:11

On the other hand, though, is your dh going through a stressed patch? Does he mean this? Has it been going on a long time? Is the situation salvageable? Is it worth trying counselling?

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Mon 19-Oct-09 01:09:09

Step one - get him out of your bed or you move into another bed, start to distance yourself from him emotionally. It must be horrendous sharing a bed under these circumstances.

He thinks you need him, show him you don't by taking action as custy and SGB have said.

Best wishes.

ineedalifelaundry Mon 19-Oct-09 01:29:42

Shocked at the audacity of this man. Take control. Leave him (or better still, kick him out.) Stay calm and controlled in the process. Be the stronger person. Your son will be better off in the long run seeing his mum happy and having her example of strength and independance to look up to.

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