Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What do people think about online flirting?

(24 Posts)
megmums Sun 18-Oct-09 20:47:12

My H has been doing this on and off since our dd was born (maybe before too but i can't prove that for sure).

I found one of his profiles and was quite shocked at what he wrote. Is it normal to behave apparently out of normal character when flirting online? It was quite explicit, and not like anything he had ever said to me.

And do you think that this is cheating?

I personally think it is to some extent, even if you don't meet in real life.

I don't think my H thought it was though, but he promised to stop.

But then he had a 'proper' affair..but that's another story!

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Sun 18-Oct-09 20:49:26

I would lose respect for him. Whether or not it's cheating, I would just see him in a different light. A less attractive one. I'd feel like he was a bit sad.

Besides, flirting needs chemistry. It could be his old chemistry teacher he's flirting with for all he knows.

Littlefish Sun 18-Oct-09 20:50:13

Yes, I think it's cheating. Whether he meets her in real-life or not, it's still cheating as far as I'm concerned.

I would be devastated if I found out my dh was doing this.

megmums Sun 18-Oct-09 20:53:14

I was devastated believe me. But he does think it is not cheating. I asked him how he would feel if I was chatting to men online in a flirty sexual way and lo and behold he said he would not like it!

I definately saw him in a different light. I thought he was a sweet man, until i saw what he was capable of saying to these women! I personally think that it is all a bit sad.

Why do women join these flirting sites?

ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 20:54:58

what was it, a dating site?
I never like flirting with someone I don't know, personally

megmums Sun 18-Oct-09 20:56:03

Not a dating site as such, and his ticked prefences were 'erotic chat'.


ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 20:57:29

just seems a bit seedy really
sorry, must've been horrible for you

FrayedKnot Sun 18-Oct-09 20:59:00

I would call it cheating in the widest sense - the secrecy, hiding a part of his character from you, choosing to interact with someone else rather than you.

I don;t think it is the same as being unfaithful the terms we would normally understand it, because there is no emotional connection, I guess.

Do you know why he did it? Has he explained what it meant to him?

megmums Sun 18-Oct-09 21:00:20

The first time i was devastated, the second time i found it all very sad and pathetic. Found emailed photos in his email account, very explicit photos, and these women weren't pretty. I mean, he has a nice wife (i think i'm a good wife, i'm petite and look young for my age, and our dd is gorgeous). Seems this life is far too boring for him, not enough excitement.

I do think he will end up a lonely old man unless he wises up, and grows up.

ElenorRigby Sun 18-Oct-09 21:01:36

IMO it is not FUCKING ON...

megmums Sun 18-Oct-09 21:01:43

He doesn't know why he said, then he said it was the pressure of being a dad (that old story!) and feeling like his life was over because he was married with a baby (two things he really wanted at the time!)

tiredoftherain Sun 18-Oct-09 21:01:45

megmums, please trust your instincts and don't listen to his warped view of things!! Going on dodgy porn chat sites when you have a wife and new baby really isn't normal behaviour in a healthy relationship (imho!),

If he's writing it on there, I would bet that he would carry it out in real life I'm afraid. You really really are doing the right thing if you run as fast as you can away from this man.

megmums Sun 18-Oct-09 21:05:34

It wasn't an actual porn site that i saw his profile on, but what i saw was bad enough.

I do wonder what is going on in his head, i don't think he even knows half the time. He needs help for sure.

I soo have to get away from him and find happiness again. It's dd i feel sorry for, his actions have changed what her life will be like. I know she will be fine, but it's not what i wanted for her, or me.

tiredoftherain Sun 18-Oct-09 21:35:01

It isn't what you wanted, I understand that, I feel exactly the same way about my situation. Nobody in my family has ever separated, most of my friends are still together, but one of the happiest people I know went through this a few years ago and is now happily remarried. Her ex was also into chat sites and planned to leave her for someone he met on there. It never happened and now he's still single while she's loved up. Her dd's are fine and adore their step father.

We can't always plan life, and although this is horrendous now, maybe it's happened for a reason, and you'll meet someone who really does deserve you and will also be a great father figure to your dd.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Mon 19-Oct-09 09:47:44

I'm not remarried, and I'm not with anybody, but 2+ years on, I am so much happier without a bad relationship (different circs) but the strain of a bad relationship is crushing.

So, even if you don't meet somebody else, or have a longish period of being on your own, wHen you get through the adjustment of what's happened to you, you'll appreciate that when you're content YOU ARE CONTENT and that that won't be jeopardised at any second by some selfish wanker/loser/bully (insert as applicable).

I also went through (my) perceived 'shame' of being a single mum and worrying so much about my children not being from conventional family.

Now, I do see the positives. It longer stretches out infront of me like some big bleak sad underprivileged future. We'll be more than alright. We have a nice atmosphere at home. My DD is not the only one in her class whose Mum is single. My dd is confident and clever and those are two attributes that will stay with her now because of happy atmosphere at home. They were in serious risk before as part of a 2.4 family unit. She'd regressed to wetting her knickers again.

Anyway.... Just trying to make the point that it is the adjustment that feels really shit. The being a single mum when you are feeling stronger and happier is not so bad at all.

veryconfusedandupset Mon 19-Oct-09 11:08:09

Megmums, I was recently the OW in a situation which grew out of on line flirting. A few weeks down the line from it all ending I feel quite shocked that I got involved, and yes, it ended in tears, though fortunatley only mine. It all seemed so odd and illogical that I have had some counselling and done a lot of reading to try to understand how X behaved as he did to me.

One of the best explanations was that it is quite typical for men to look for sexual opportunities, and that as married men know that they stand to be rejected by attractive available women they begin by establishing friendly email exchanges that over a period of time become more flirtatious.

The typical response to this is a rebuttal of affection, which only inflames their desires and passion more and then once they are offering the world on an emotional level there comes a point where a typical female response is to find this attractive.

The email stuff is really an indication of where they want to go and seldom stops at just that - apparently they will carry on for years - with different people - to eventually get what they feel they need.

of course when they have got it they decide it is not what they want anyway, but that is another story.

If either partner in a relationship is doing stuff on line they don't want their other half to see it is an indication that something is wrong and a line has been crossed.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Mon 19-Oct-09 12:27:20

That's depressing veryconfused, what the counsellor said to makes me think that men just don't want to be faithful....

That is our (women's) goal, our notion of ideal. SO MANY men's notion of 'ideal' would be to get away with having a wife and family life, and a little bit of cheeky shagging on the side....

Not all men I know I know I know, before people come on and tell me about their fantabulous husbands. bykwim.

megmums Mon 19-Oct-09 21:21:44

veryconfused - thanks for your insight. I do however know (or am pretty sure) that these 'online' things weren't emotional, just a bit of 'meaningless flirting' as he would call it. And by the pattern of his phone bill - texts, only lasted 24 hours.

My H is an idiot, he knows it, I know it. I don't want our dd to ever feel like that about him. I guess that is up to him now.

Maggie - thanks too for your positive portrayal of being a single mum. I can see how being like this is FAR better than having a horrible atmosphere at home. Am glad your dds are happy. My dd is so confident, i hope she is always like that. I want her to see me happy, and both i and H know he can't make me happy.

fernie3 Mon 19-Oct-09 21:27:47

It is cheating, my husband was depressed and practically bed ridden for many many months a while back and I stupidly starting online flirting with someone I knew. Stupid and yes cheating, I still cant forgive myself. I told my husband about it and luckily he was very understanding.

the stupid thing is i have been with my husband since i was 15 and only ever even kissed him let alone anyone else BUT for some reason online flirting texts etc doesnt seem so real at the time especially if you are trying to escape from something real in your life.

megmums Mon 19-Oct-09 21:29:37

Thanks fernie - yes my H was definately trying to escape something - his wife and dd!! Oh well.

Am glad you came to your senses, and your H forgave you.

thesecondcoming Mon 19-Oct-09 21:55:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 19-Oct-09 22:03:02

Megmums: it sounds to me as though the 'women' your H was flirting with are not real women that he's going to meet, but paid employees of an 'erotic chat' company. ie 'Sexy Suzie' doesn't really exist, she is, variously, a set of stock porn shots and a dozen or more hairy truckers/resting actors/skint artists sending 'texts' from their PCs for about £3 an hour.

sb9 Wed 21-Oct-09 15:04:06

Can totally understand where you coming from. This happened to me twice.I first caught out my dh when it came up on his computer, i was devestated and he said he didnt know why he had done it etc etc.
He is such a great bloke so i gave him another chance, however on MY HEN WEEKEND he did it again! I was distraught, i had 2 weeks before the wedding, no idea what to do.I didnt see what he had wrote and wish I had, i jut saw it was called flirty chat and i saw he had pulled up a profile of a girl.

Two years of married life on and although hes brilliant, i still dont trust him and worry he will do it again.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 21-Oct-09 16:26:05

Hello Megs. I saw this and your other thread. It sounds like you are still in turmoil about whether this man will ever have the capacity to be the kind of husband and father you deserve. I'm afraid I think he will not.

As I recall, he put his toe in the water with these chat sites, then engaged in a full-on affair with a work colleague and kept denying it for ages. Sent texts to her in front of you and let you think you were going mad. Let OW think this was real love and then only when he saw how ill you were getting with it all, came clean. He then dumped her by text if I recall rightly?

Since then, he's left you and has been vacillating and all "woe is me" ever since.

I think the reality of all this is that his relationship is ongoing, but he still wants to keep you and DD close while he decides what he wants to do long-term.

It is so unlikely that this awful man will ever change and I know at the moment, it's more comforting for you to describe this as some sort of mental or emotional breakdown in him, rather than him just being a first class arsehole.

Megs, I'd urge you to see the light and take control of this ridiculous situation and tell him it's over between you. You don't have to move back up north if you want to keep your job and your house - you have all the options in the world, but please don't include him as one of them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now