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I told him I needed committment and he has gone away to think about it

(22 Posts)
ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 19:41:50

Yes I know it is lunatic to expect answers on the internet but help me fill the time til tomorrow ...
Have been with bf for just over year. We are both lone p, and get on well. Mostly. He is not yet divorced, having been through a horrible break up - and is petrified of letting go enough to really get close to me. This in turn has been pssing me off and making me unsure about him. Yesterday I told him I wanted a break and only to get back together if he wanted to build a life together. I've always been clear this is what I was after, and it is - I don't want to settle for a lifetime of the odd eves, weekends. With him or anyone.
He said he needs to think about it and will let me know tomorrow. I'm dreading the 'it's not you it's me' chat. Cos if he doesn't know he wants me now how is 24 hours going to change things? Or is it just proof he's taking it on board seriously at last?

OlderNotWiser Sun 18-Oct-09 19:54:23

Just wanted to reply since no one had....bloody good for you being so clear about what you want, you will get there one way or another.

Sorry to hear BF is confused. I hope he gets his head together and it all works out. Nothing more crap than a waiting game. He better arrive with lots of flowers and wine!

If not then stick with what you know you want (and deserve.)

Good luck.

ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 20:15:12

thanks I will let you know! he is not coming here I am going there as he is looking after my dc while I go to college, so if it's a no it will be an uncomfortable evening
I know I'm doing the right thing but at the same time it's bloody daunting; however much you know the rejection isn't personal you can't help thinking 'what's wrong with me'
for once I absolutely can't wait to get to work so I can stop brooding on it

warthog Sun 18-Oct-09 20:37:37

good on you. at least you won't waste your time then. i think you're doing absolutely the right thing about being up-front. it then gives you the freedom to look for someone who does want to commit, and for him to find a shag hag with no strings.

and if he does say no, don't stay and prolong the agony. just thank him for looking after the kids, pick up your stuff and leave. no histrionics.

good on you.

MiniMilk0610 Sun 18-Oct-09 20:42:00

Just thought I'd give you a positive story...

I was in a similar situation about a year & half ago, had been seeing DP for about a year, he didn't have any kids but I had one DC, he'd been in bad relationship in past, kept saying he didn't want to get hurt again etc.

So one day I'd had enough of the uncertainty so gave him an ultimatum that I either wanted to be in a 'proper' relationship or not at all...he to 5 whole days to 'think' about it, was torture! But in the end he decided to take the risk of being hurt as he didnt want to lose us...we're now engaged with 2nd DC on the way

Hope things work out as well for you, if not then you deserve better anyway, as you deserve someone prepared to commit fully to you & your DC...know thats easier to say than it is to deal with though.

Fingers crossed for you.

ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 20:48:32

to be fair it's not just shags he's after, he likes the whole companionship bit, and has been good with my dc
nothing wrong with that, we both needed time to get to know each other
on the positive side I have got my mojo and confidence back
it's a sleepover situation tom eve, and I can't really wake up dc to leave when I get back, so max awkward
i'm getting the histrionics out this eve so I can be calm and collected tomorrow
have to say I'm feeling better already, just hearing it confirmed I'm being sensible helps

ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 20:53:11

wow mini, 5 days! that must've been so hard
I think a year is enough to make your mind up, isn't it
I'm prepared for either outcome
Today was hard because I began to realise the things about having someone I'd miss and to feel a bit lonely, but I've had some happy times on my own with dc, and am not nearly so daunted about dating as I was when I met him

ninah Sun 18-Oct-09 22:51:32

he's just phoned to say goodnight and he's still not sure - wants to but he's scared, doesn't know, can't decide
I told him I need a decision tomorrow night, or the lack of decision speaks for itself

sparkybint Mon 19-Oct-09 08:05:54

Just read this Ninah, like the others I think you're doing absolutely the right thing and think you're really strong.

Do let us know the outcome!

ninah Mon 19-Oct-09 12:52:49

thanks sparky
I am feeling fine today, don't much care which way it goes to be honest, just relieved to know my own mind
so thanks! glad all is going well with you also btw

cheekysealion Mon 19-Oct-09 16:21:40

i admire your strength... good for you... I need to do similar with someone i have been seeing for the last year... i dont want it to carry on the way it is at the moment ie just seeing each other at weekends... but i am scared to pressure him into anything more as i like him so much ...

hope you get the answer you wish for

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 19-Oct-09 22:23:01

While it's good that you are clear about what you want, do please bear in mind that this man is entitled not to want a committed relationship, and preferring to keep things on a lighter basis doesn't make him a bad person.
Also, being desperate for commitment is not a good state to be in, it makes you a) likely to drive away perfectly nice potential partners because you are too full on and they, not unreasonably, want to take a little time to get to know you before picking out the curtains and b)prey for abusers and cocklodgers and inadequates. So remember that it's fine not to be in a couple, and it's much, much better to be single than to be living with an undesirable or inadequate partner, or even one you just aren't that into.

ninah Tue 20-Oct-09 18:05:13

I know. I have done the single thing happily for four years but I would like a live in relationship one day. I am not desperate, I have known this man for over a year and would like to take things further. Of course
I don't think he is a bad person for not wanting what I want, but if we both want different things it is best to know. Or should I compromise what I want long term because he is worth holding onto at whatever level?
Anyway, it turns out he is petrified of any further commitment, so it's immaterial.

OlderNotWiser Tue 20-Oct-09 19:09:24

Really sorry to hear that he can't commit. But you are right, you have to want the same thing from the relationship. Personally I dont think you should compromise and hang onto him for the sake of it, commitment phobes can let you down in all manner of ways and its just horrible going throught that, hoping one day they might step up a bit. Also, I didnt think you came across as desperate at all for what its worth. Good luck with finding what you are looking for.

ScaryFucker Tue 20-Oct-09 19:14:41

good luck ninah

are you and blokey going to carry on seeing each other ?

ninah Tue 20-Oct-09 19:19:41

Thanks, I really am not desperate!
he did impress me with his honesty actually, and I know the commitment thing is mainly due to his messy marriage break up, perhaps he will feel differently once divorce comes through. Who knows?
Part of me thinks I want to be with him anyway, and I shouldn't worry about the future, because I want him as he is more than I want Mr Forever. But that's probably a reaction to being dumped.

ninah Tue 20-Oct-09 19:21:36

God knows Scary.
He said he wants to be friends and will look after my dc, who have grown v fond of him.
And let's say I didn't make the dignified chaste exit I had planned to blush

ScaryFucker Tue 20-Oct-09 19:21:51

aww xx

ChunkyKitKat Tue 20-Oct-09 19:22:07

I have made mistakes by hanging around for too long with commitment shy men. Thinking they would change their minds.

"should I compromise what I want long term...." IMO you shouldn't have to put your needs last, I did, and it didn't get me anywhere.

ninah Tue 20-Oct-09 19:35:03

yup that's the risk isn't it CKK. When you say this is want I want and don't follow through it's not v respect inducing. But having it out did make me realise how much I like and respect him
we are texting and will speak later

ChunkyKitKat Tue 20-Oct-09 21:54:54

Take care ninah. And good luck to you. x

ninah Tue 20-Oct-09 22:05:14


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