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DH resents me :(

(12 Posts)
definitelymaybe Sun 18-Oct-09 12:07:37

i feel confused, and hoping some of you will be able to advice me, we met me and DH 6 yrs ago,everything was perfect,when we decided to get married my family didnt approve as i was just 19 and still in uni ,against my parents i decided to drop out of uni,got married to him, at that time he was all up for it, we were living in two diffirent countries(when we met we were living in the same country) thats why i had to drop out of uni and join him,due to this i have no contact with my family and friends,which i regret so much now,3 yrs forward, we are now constantly arguing about everything,things started to change when we started to live togther,he complains that i have no ambition, as i am not studying,which he didnt complain at that time,he wants to live such a simple life where everything is handed to him,meaning he expects me to make all decisions, worry about things, as he says he cant handle pressure.the last stroll came when i got pregnant,unplanned, he accused me of delibertly getting pregnant, as he puts it, so he wont go no where, he asked me to choose between him and the unborn child , i decided i have sacrified enough for him so i decided to have the baby,so now he shouts at me for everything, gets irritetd, says he cant handle all this pressure and he might walk away, as this is too much for him,talks to me when he wants and ignores me when he doesnt, tells me i need to lose weight,i was size 6, now i am size 10.he seems to be unhappy all the time,and he makes sure that i get that he is unhappy..And today he forgot to do something so i said hey why didnt you do it and he told me that things arenot always the same, things change,but he said in away that he is giving me a hint, i dont know if you know what i mean,oh well ,sorry if its not all clear , i have got a fussy baby ,he doesnt make it easy to gather my ideas,off i go now to give baby my 100%attention, will be back to read any advice you give me.

piratecat Sun 18-Oct-09 12:10:12

leave. sorry but it's the road to nowhere. You are young, you are living a solitary life.

ScaryFucker Sun 18-Oct-09 12:15:02

oh dear

I think you know you deserve better than this

Do you want to be 20 yrs older and still this unhappy? Your man sounds selfish and verbally abusive. His putdowns are nasty and un-necessary. I think he would like to control you by destroying your self-esteem.

You are young, you have lots of choices

Think very carefully if this is the future you want. Maybe you did at the time, but people change such a lot in these early years

It is OK now to decide you want something different

theworldsgoneDMmad Sun 18-Oct-09 12:54:00

"he might walk away" - well, that would be a blessing!

"tells me i need to lose weight,i was size 6, now i am size 10." - you don't need to lose weight at this size and anyone who tells you that you do is being abusive.

By my calculations you are now 25 - is that correct? You still have your whole life ahead of you.

You can still leave him, move back home if you want to, have your baby, get your degree and meet someone who deserves you

definitelymaybe Sun 18-Oct-09 13:17:36

thanks for your advice.

theworld, i am 23, we met when i was 17 got married at 19,i know i am young enough to start fresh but i dont know how,i am scared ppl will just go and say we told you so instead of help...not that i would blame them,and the other thing is i hav invested so much of me into this relationship,i dont know if i hav the strength.

Aussieng Sun 18-Oct-09 13:37:52

People very rarely say "I told you so". Everyone has made mistakes in their lives and most people just want to help their friends and family when it is needed.

Sometimes the advice on MN to get out of a relationship is given too quickly in my view but in this case it seems dead right that you should at least think about what you could do as an alternative to living this pretty desperate sounding life.

As ScaryF said - if you are this unhappy now think how much worse it will be in 20 years time when in addition to being this unhappy you have wasted another 20 years on this jerk and possibly watched your children get the hell away from it all. Additionally you wil be 20 years further alienated from your old life and friends and family.

squilly Sun 18-Oct-09 13:44:19

My mum was the WORST 'told you so' rub your face in it kind of woman. BUT when my first boyfriend predictably dumped me, she never said a word and actually said a couple of encouraging things to me (a HUGE deal for a woman like her).

Try your family. They'll probably just be relieved that you've come to your senses and dumped him. This man is no good for you and you'll need help with your baby when he comes. You are young enough to meet someone new.

The alternative is that you stick with this guy hoping things will get better. They won't. Men like this don't suddenly change for the better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves this kind of treatment.

I hope your pregnancy goes well and you manage to regain the joy in your life. You deserve the best life has to offer, as does every decent human being.

ScaryFucker Sun 18-Oct-09 13:49:11

listen love

when I was your age I got involved with a fuckwit

I was blind to his fuckwittedness for some time, but one day my eyes were opened. Just because of something simple he said, but it was that proverbial straw. I wouldn't have listened to anyone's advice until I was at that point, tbh (even though they tried to tell me he was no good)

You are 23 now, with a child dependent on you. No more excuses for him. And no more excuses for you, you are not a naive kid anymore. Do you want your child to grow up thinking it is normal for someone who is supposed to love you, calls mummy names and makes her feel like shit?

It is not too late. So what if people say "told you so...". Maybe they will, I know my friends and family did (behind my back, at least). But then they congratulated me on a lucky escape, and praised my strength of character for getting out before I was worn down completely.

Will you stay in a crap relationship and make you and your child unhappy, just because of what people might say??? Think about it.

definitelymaybe Sun 18-Oct-09 14:18:45

i dont want to contact my family who lives abroad for a reason that my dad has got terminal cancer,and i havent even told them about the baby, i only call my stepmom to find out how he is doing as he is not able to talk(we only talk about how my dad is and that is it),i dont want to upset him anymore than he is for the decision i made,i want him to belive that i am doing not bad and there is a chance for me to do well in life,it will break his heart if he knows i am unhappy.
i have got trust issue as well as i witnessed in my childhood my dad cheating on my mum,my mum passed away when i was young,so i find it so hard to trust,and this is the only thing i trusted on,and i feel like i have been let down

JeMeSouviens Sun 18-Oct-09 14:22:51

Your dad will be delighted he has a grandchild, and it may bring some more joy to his last days. Get on a plane, go and be with him, spend your time with your family rather than this man who treats you like crap.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sun 18-Oct-09 15:01:39

Oh yes, second that jemesouviens, OP, get on a plane and go see your Dad. He's dying and has not seen his GC.

It'll mean the world to him, surely. Speak to your Stepmum and get this sorted out asap.

You NEED a break from your day to day, and perhaps your DH could do with some time not being responsible for you and the baby. Perhaps he's overwhelmed? Not that this makes it any less unreasonable on his part, but perhaps some space for him to miss and appreciate you, IFYMIM?

If you want him to think everything in your garden is rosy, i understand that, but go and see him.

You'll kick yourself forever if you don't at least say goodbye.

mamas12 Sun 18-Oct-09 21:39:50

I agree. Get on that plane and go and see your family. They will be confused but happy and anything they say can't be worse than what you are already living with.
You both need a break for him to see how it is without you and for you to rekindle relations with your relations.

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