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Has anyone ended a long term friendship.....?(14 Posts)
I am off loading here but need to hear your thoughts.
Had a friend for 30 years- met my DH through her, she was my bridesmaid and is godmother to 1 of my DCs.
However, last week we had a phone "discussion" over a situation I have with over a relationship and she really gave it to me- went for the jugular. She was very judgemental, told me what she thought were home truths about me, and was very unsymapthetic - I almost ended the call crying, and I am not a softy! This was all, from her point of view, to try to stop me being hurt by a situation which had developed.
This is not the 1st time she has done this to me, and over the past couple of years she has lost 2 friends forever by being to brutal with her opinions.
On top of this, she has for a few years been very odd over present- giving; she is loaded- house worth £2 million, no kids of her own, very nice lifestyle. Money no issue- yet she has always treated my kids unequally. One gets a present at Xmas and birthdays( the one she is godmother to) the other doesn't. (I treat all my friends kids the same- one of my other friends has 3 kids, I am godmother to one of them but buy for all 3 at Xmas etc.)
She has also for some reason stopped buying me a present at Xmas or for my birthday- this happened a number of years back and I don't know why- I carrried on buying for her, but after a few years I stopped.
I know that buying gifts is not the basis of a friendship, but she just seems to be being mean when she can easily afford to be generous. I have plenty of other friends who I don't consider "best friends" and we buy for each other and our DCs.
To cap it all, her marriage has been in serious trouble for years but I have never told her what I think of HER behaviour in it all- or certainly not as much as I'd like to, as I think it would hurt her a lot.
I cannot imagine not being friends with her, but our last conversation hurt me so much- it was a bit of a character assassination of me, that I really don't want to talk to her- not for a good while anyway.
I am wondering if to write and tell her how I feel.
First of all, I personally would try and see her face to face to have a conversation with her about how all of this - there is no better communication than that imo. Far better than email or writing a letter (or God forbid, a text).
Secondly, I would forget about presents, etc. She is Godmother to one of your DC, so she buys that DC a present & not the other. I really don't see too much of a problem with that. What her house is worth is totally irrelevant, however well you know someone, you cannot possibly know the true nature of their finances - she could be asset rich, cash poor, you just can't know.
But, having said all of that you obviously feel very hurt by what she has said and if you wish to remain friends with her, you need to let her know how she has made you feel and that you would prefer her to be more tactful and thoughtful of your feelings in future.
I stopped being friends with a long-term friend (25 years) when I first met my DH. She never met him, but would ask me questions like, 'just how black is he?', or ask her DH, 'cor, you'd have a problem with DD going out with a darkie wouldn't you?'. Now, I had known this woman for a very long time, had gone to school with her. But even though I knew she read the Daily Mail every day, I never knew she was a racist c*nt. So I very quickly cut all ties with her and haven't seen or spoken to her in the last 10 years.
Anyway, I hope you manage to work it out with your friend
I really think that the present thing is neither here nor there. I have several godchildren - I buy presents for them, but not their siblings.
It sounds as though she is quite forthright in her opinions. Have you told her that her comments are hurtful?
Perhaps you could say to her that you feel that your friendship needs some time apart, and then make some decisions in a few months time.
Without wishing to be personal, was there anything about her analysis of your situation that you feel is true? Are you finding this so painful because she is partly right, or is it that she is completely wrong and you feel genuinely aggrieved?
To answer your question, yes, I have ended a longterm friendship - someone I was very close friends with for 25 years with. She started treating me in a way which was unacceptable to me, so I stopped seeing her. It hurt for a long time, but now, I know that it was the right thing to do.
I'd have a break then meet up with her and have a frank open discussion. One of my friends is blunt with me and being honest with myself sometimes i get offended because she's right in her judgements.
I find the present thing weird as well. I would never buy for one sibling and not the other. In fact in my group of friends, we only buy birthday presents now for the kids, not Christmas as we'd all be bankrupt as there are so many kids.
Rindercella - bloody hell!!! Good for you. It's amazing what people say thinking it's acceptable.
Thanks all- to answer a few of your queries..
money- I do know what they have- exactly- in the bank, in savings/shares, etc etc.
Re. presents- I still think it's mean- my DCs are older now, but I can remember how sad 1 of them used to look when 1 opened a present from her at Xmas and the other one got nothing. It just seemed incredibly thoughtless, and may be stems from her not having kids herself. Why she stopped buying for me, I am not sure. No idea.
Yes she is forthright- yes there was some truth in what she said, but she also jumped to lots of conclusions without knowing all the facts and put her own slant on it all.
Ironically, I can't help thinking that her own situation might not be in so much of a mess now had I been more forthright with her over her behaviour in her marriage but I wasn't, as I didn't want to hurt her.
It's got to thepoint where I no longer share stuff with ehr as I am sure she is going to be critical- last week I did share and this is what happened.
I think you need to work out why you want to stop being friends. All relationships involve give and take and have their ups and downs, but sometimes you just hit a point where it isn't salvagable and it isn't just a low point. I ended a 20 year friendship about a year or so ago - it was very hard and very painful, but in the end, it was about the fact that it wasn't helping me to be in the friendship. We are now coming together as acquaintances, and that is fine, but it will never be on the level it was, and I feel released because of that.
I have one friend who is very forthright with her opinions. I know I can trust her to be honest in any situation. She does not try to sugar-coat anything and this has upset me at times.
However, I know that she loves me, will always tell me the truth, and only wants the best for me. Because of this, I will always consider what she says very carefully. I trust her judgement, and know that she is sometimes able to see situations in a slightly different way to me, because she isn't as close to that situation.
It sounds as though you aren't in the same place with your friend and that her bluntness (is that a real word?) is not what you want to hear, even though you have said "This was all, from her point of view, to try to stop me being hurt by a situation which had developed."
Friendships go through different stages. Over time, they change, and take on different levels of importance to the different people in them. Perhaps this is what is happening to you?
I would ignore the present thing, presenbts are symbolic of different things to diferent people, it's a side issue imo.
But the other thing, the attack on your liestyle or decisions or whatever, sounds just like what my sister did to me about a year ago. Suddenly got a phone call out of the blue in which she ranted on at me about loads of stuff, some of which was seriously mistaken,(she lives hundreds of miles away, rarely sees us) telling me how awful I was and how wrong the way I was bringing up my children etc etc
I sent a very ranty email to her after hanging up on her. She still doesn't talk to me, stopped sending me anything at Christmas/birthdays (apart from very terse card) but the real key to it was (I think) when I mentioned that perhaps she might be envious because I have had children, and she hasn't...she has a femal partner who doesn't want kids...and she admitted she did feel upset about that but how dare I mention it etc etc (I didn't say it in a horrible way)
anyway I wonder if your friend has suffered this awful marriage and has possibly got other issues as well, making her very bitter with the world in general or people she perceives to be more fortunate than herself.
It doesn't sound personal tbh.
In my time, I've also been very blunt with a good friend (and lost the friendship because of it).
She was seeing a married man and was looking for my approval. She wanted to talk about him all the time, and was frequently scathing about his wife. I could not and would not approve of this relationship, however deep my friendship with her, and told her so.
She was hurt by my rejection, and chose to end the friendship.
I meant to add that me and my sis have always despite ups and downs, been really close, and it was a big shock. Also my mother told me that she had also done this to her, and dad, and various other people over the years, and eventually restored relations with them but therew as nothing I could do in the interim. She just ahs these big fall outs with everyone.
I don't think she means to but I am justw aiting now for her to be friendly again, as i miss her a lot
Rindercella That's awful!
OP, I would probably leave the friendship in her hands after telling her how I feel about what she said. If she is a good friend she will listen, compromise and apologise.
I believe we should be able to say anything to friends, good or bad......but.....there are ways of saying things and if she doesn't consider your feelings then why should you consider hers? There is no need to be brutal and horrible at all. Can you tell her how you feel about what she said to you and how do you think she would respond?
It might be possible that if she is having marriage problems, that some sort of anxiety is coming out in the wrong direction, ie, your direction - still no excuse though.
WRT the presents
I buy birthday presents for friends without kids and they buy for my kids.
When friends have kids we just buy for each others kids.
Could it be that? She's expected to shell out for you and your children bbut in return you just shell out for her.
Hi psycho just to say that when I was growing up - I'm one of 4 - godparents would buy only for the godchild - but as we all had godparents (some better at presents than others to be honest) it all sort of evened out.
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