Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(44 Posts)
feelingpositivemum Sat 17-Oct-09 21:28:05

Why...did I have 4 children with someone who was so horrible to me?
Why...did I sit there crying whilst trying to get the comb through my 3 yr olds hair, because he had banned me from using conditioner.
Why...did I continue cooking in 85 degree + heat because he wouldn't allow me to open a window because of the draught.
Why...didn't I walk out when on bringing my 2 day old daughter home from hospital he asked me when I was finishing the painting.
Why...did I follow to 'keep the peace' when he picked up my 5 yr old son and walked off with him screaming mummy so that I would follow and consequently teaching my 4 children you do as a bully says, instead of standing up to him.
Why did I let him dictate what food I bought the children.
Why, why, why? Where's my spine? I feel so guilty that I didn't stand up to him. Most people would have told him to bog off years ago, instead I had 4 children with him and have given them a life in a broken home.
I am so angry with myself for being so weak, and letting my children and myself down.
Anyway, I've left the arsehole so it's a start. Feel better for my rant as well!

whomovedmychocolate Sat 17-Oct-09 21:29:46

Well done for leaving him, it's a new start. Stop beating yourself up. Move on. Start again.

onebatmother Sat 17-Oct-09 21:30:10

You have done something fantastic.
You HAVE shown your kids how to live.
V proud of you.

norksonmywitchesbroomstick Sat 17-Oct-09 21:31:20

The past is done with the future is yours and your childrens'
By leaving you have shown them that bullys don't win. You can show them a better life and be happy now.
Congratulations on finding your inner strength.

feelingpositivemum Sat 17-Oct-09 21:35:54

Oh, now I'm crying. I know it's the right thing, and I'm so relieved and feel so much better than I have for years. Please, anyone out there in the same situation, do it, however hard it is. You don't realise how completely depressed and run down you are until you are out of it.
I think I'm in the fall out, and surprisingly I feel so guilty for bringing this on the children. I see other friends and I know they would never have put up with it.
Also, the younger kids won't remember what he was like and will think I left because I needed a fresh start (his sales line).

Hassled Sat 17-Oct-09 21:37:34

You can't spend your life asking why you didn't or did do something. It's done and over with. Everyone has regrets - just on differing scales. You've done bloody well to leave him - you should be proud, not angry.

feelingpositivemum Sat 17-Oct-09 21:38:15

Thankyou everyone.

lambypoo Sat 17-Oct-09 21:38:32

You stayed with him because you tried to make your marriage work and didn't want to hurt your children, because you believed that one day he might change and because he made you feel like you were nothing. You did all the right things to try your very best to keep your family together.

And now, when the chips are down, you have stood up and left him and are a fantastically brave and caring woman and mother for facing your fears and getting you and your kids away from him. You have not let your kids down - on the contrary - you have put them first.

Please don't beat yourself up - you've made a positive move and believe me, no matter how bad it gets in the present time, you and your dcs will be so much better for it. Don't forget that many women do not have the courage to ever leave an abusive man. Well done you.

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 21:38:56

Well done, feelingpositive, and never try and guess what your friends would have put up with, I don't think anyone would have thought I'd put up with the crap I did. Appearances can be very deceptive.

You're out now, that's the main thing, and it's an incredibly brave decision to have made. Please don't feel any guilt, only pride.

ScaryFucker Sat 17-Oct-09 21:47:32

oh my goodness, you have no idea what anyone else would "put up with"

so many very clever and ballsy women find themselves in situations totally beyond their control (MN is proof of this)

look to the future now

your children are in a better place, and so are you

I totally admire you for not sinking into the pit of an abusive man

you got out, it took some time, but you did it

he probably did an awful number on your self-esteem for a very long time, but you found yourself again

your children will realise that as they mature, don't look back unless you use it to make sure you never make the same mistakes again

congratulations and welcome to a brighter future !

Twintummy Sat 17-Oct-09 21:47:43

Huge hugs. Remember you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and your friends may put up with more crap than you realise.

Wishing you lots of strength.

colditz Sat 17-Oct-09 21:50:43

hey, I put up with DV for years. Nobody I know believed it until I outright insisted that it was true. It's not that they didn't think ex would do it, they were absolutely amazed that I had taken it.

Glad you left him, now stop beating yourself up. You did what you had to do, and now you are doing what you have to do. you have years left to undo the damage he inflicted on you and the children, don't you dare blame yourself for the things he did to you!

feelingpositivemum Sat 17-Oct-09 21:58:53

I know, and I know I'm doing it.

As I was leaving, he was sitting at the kitchen table, weeping, saying how he wished I could have understood him better, and realised where his behaviour came from as he had such a tough childhood. If I understood him better we could have made this marriage work!

Giltz Sat 17-Oct-09 21:59:09

Well done for having the courage to leave such a c*.

Stop beating yourself upabout the past and start to concentrate on the future. Your life the way you want it to be.

Hope everything goes well for you.

mrsboogie Sat 17-Oct-09 22:00:15

don't give him another second of yours lives by looking back and living in the past. Look forward now and appreciate all the things that were denied you before. You are free to be happy.

That is the perfect revenge.

ScaryFucker Sat 17-Oct-09 22:01:27

oh yes, those tough childhoods keep getting trotted out, don't they

like it's some excuse for treating your own family like crap

do you know what, my childhood was kinda shitty, but I am not a twat hmm

megmums Sat 17-Oct-09 22:03:56

Wow i think you are really brave for admitting that things are wrong and making a positive decision to make life better for yourself and your dcs.

Marriage is a very private thing, and no one really knows what goes on. My H appears really easy going and sweet to outsiders, it wasn't until i saw what he was saying to women on line that I realised what he was capable of!

I hope i find the strength that you have to leave and move on to a happier place with my lovely dd.

Summertimefizz Sat 17-Oct-09 22:05:58

You're so brave, for having the courage to leave that sad excuse of a human being.

Your's and your children's lives will be 100% better in time.... smile

LittleWhiteWereWolf Sat 17-Oct-09 22:06:09

Why is this man such a lowlife, cowardly tosspiece who uses a sob story when the bullying doesnt work?
Actually I dont care, sod him.

Well done you for getting out of there. Dont spend the next X amount of years berating yourself for being weak for having stayed. Remember how strong you are for having left. I only wish my MIL had the same strength.
My SIL did, and she was only a kid herself and she is so proud of herself and glad to have done it; her life has done a complete 180 from her wanting to die, to her loving her life with her son and not looking back.

feelingpositivemum Sat 17-Oct-09 22:11:19

Ah, Megmums, I hope you find strength to. I remember reading on here that one day it will just hit you and you will know and for me that happened. It was something small, just a look I think, but I just switched off and oddly, I've never wavered, after years of trying to make it work, and trying to decide what to do and trying to find the strength to do it.

He was stunned as he didn't know what changed, as there wasn't a huge event or anything. I just had had enough of being looked at like that. I thought I was worth more.

ScaryFucker Sat 17-Oct-09 22:13:17

a "look" could definitely do it, IMO

feelingpositivemum Sat 17-Oct-09 22:15:27

Thanks everyone, I feel better tonight. It's hard when the kids are with him, too much time to think!

LWWW, I'm glad your sil is better, actually that reminded me, I used to drive past large trees thinking it wouldn't take much to drive into it and it would be over.

Haven't felt like that for a few weeks!

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 22:27:08

yep, a look could definitely do it. For me it was the combination of "the look" which was kind of a fleeting glare designed to let me know he disapproved of whatever I was saying/doing, and a totally disrespectful tone.

I just suddenly thought, who the feck do you think you are, you pathetic bully? And that was that. I went out for a run to clear my head and then told him I'd had enough.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sat 17-Oct-09 22:28:52

Feelingpostive: You are such a brave lady that has had a terrible time.

Now you have taken the decision to stop the rot, to stand up for yourself, and to end the putting up with the abuse that you put up with.

You have made the best decision possible for your family. Be angry if that helps you to heal, but not at yourself, you are an amazing woman, and a fantastic mum. Things will get better and you will see everything so much clearer.

This is where life, YOUR life begins.

LittleWhiteWereWolf Sat 17-Oct-09 22:36:24

I'm glad to hear you aren't feeling so low as to contemplate those thoughts. Yes, Sil is an amazing woman who I have known for 5 years now and has grown from a charming bratty teenager into a very confident mother and I'm proud to have her as my Sil! grin She does put her mother to shame though, as MIL has never been brave enough to be by herself so puts up with an awful boyfriend who belittes and disrespects her on a daily basis, yet she can't seem to look at SIL and think "maybe I could do that"

Hence why you should be so, so proud of yourself FPM!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now