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H being an arsehole - affairs etc...should i leave him?

(24 Posts)
megmums Fri 16-Oct-09 22:39:44

I have seen many threads about men who go off the rails when they become a dad, and am wondering if men who don't are a rare breed?

My H started to flirt online just 10 days after our dd was born, which escalated to texting/and even phone sex (going through bills in retrospect - phonecalls in the middle of the night, when i was at home breastfeeding our 2 month old baby!)

Ok so that was a while ago (dd 22 months now) and trying to move on from that, when he confesses to an affair with a work colleague, which i suspected but he ALWAYS denied, saying i was neurotic etc..

So he wanted to make a go of our marriage, that is why he ended the affair and told me about it. But that was 2 months ago and he won't move back home even when i asked him, he feels he cannot mend what he has done, that it has come between us forever. Admits to being depressed and reacting badly to pressure of being a dad, moving home..but won't seek help.

Should i leave? I am def going to CAB for legal advice (we have big mortgage and live many miles from family)

LowLevelWhingeing Fri 16-Oct-09 22:43:00

he is a twunt of the highest order. There ARE really good, lovely, decent men out there. Please don't think you have to accept this!

Mumfun Fri 16-Oct-09 22:48:18

Mine also went off rails when baby born - though second. Mine having major mid life crisis. COuld yours be - some of the US midlife crisis sites might be useful to you - or www.survivinginfidelity.com

kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon Fri 16-Oct-09 22:52:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megmums Fri 16-Oct-09 22:52:53

Thanks Mumfun.

H turned 30 the year dd was born, he just had 31st birthday and was a miserable git all day - even more than normal, saying how depressing it is 'getting old'.

I think it's a milestone crisis - having to grow up, be a dad, h, home owner. He has a good job - just can't function maturely in his personal life.

megmums Fri 16-Oct-09 22:58:06

When you get married, then plan a family, you are both excited about having a baby...it makes it so sad when things go wrong and the man behaves like a complete idiot when it was what he wanted in the first place!!!

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Fri 16-Oct-09 23:12:36

Agree with korma.

He sounds like he is playing a guilt trip "Oh, I ruined everything, it's too late to go back, I feel so bad" (diddums, poor me)......which is bullshit. If this was truly the case, he'd be busting a gut to move back in and do anything he can to make it work. He is a grown man, big enough and ugly enough to look after himself instead of playing these daft games.

The depression and mid life crisis doesn't wash with me. It is no excuse for treating you so badly.

Maybe I am completely wrong and bang out of order for saying this, but to me, it sounds like he doesn't have the balls to finish things for good. I think he is leaving that, to you. On that basis, he is a spineless pig.

Do get legal advice and do put yourself first. Best wishes.

PS: There are loads of great men out there.

HappyWoman Sat 17-Oct-09 08:51:36

how can you leave him - he has already left you?????

Do get some legal help asap and even if you dont do the divorce route straight away you do need to know where you stand.

You cannot mend this unless he wants to and you cant wait forever.

I would calmly agree with him and hard as it is try and move on even if you are pretending at first.

He is playing games and wants you to either make it better by not giving him a hard time or he is still in contact with ow and wants you to 'finish' the marriage, so he can be the victim and not the marriage wrecker he is.

Sorry but you must be strong here - he may be depressed but until he gets help there is no hope - and he has to get that himself.

umma Sat 17-Oct-09 09:00:53

Be strong. I am going through this myself.

My H had an affair, came back said he wanted to make a go of things but we have had a miserable 6 months, because he is still thinking about the OW. I have ended it....I can't explain the emotional torture I have put up with, to the point where I thought I was losing MY mind!

I have to be happy now and will be in time.

ScaryFucker Sat 17-Oct-09 11:04:53

Megmums, I have read your previous threads and cannot believe you are still giving this man your headspace

Your title "affairs...etc..." makes my blood run cold.

He has certainly done a number on you to engender such a flat and accepting tone about what is abusive behaviour of the highest order...

I am flabbergasted, truly

I also don't understand what you mean by "should you leave him"

He is already living away from home, showing no signs about wanting to make it work and come back and fucking with your head bigtime

How many more excuses are you going to make for him ?

If he wants out (which is obvious, despite his pathetic whinging), just give it to him and get your self-respect back

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 13:00:28

megmums, yes. Yes you definitely should leave and I think you will, it just takes time to get to the point where you think "absolutely no more." This might suddenly hit you, and be because of the most trivial thing - that's what happened with me. I haven't looked back or regretted the decision, it's as if I can suddenly see clearly.

Imagine the relief of being free of this stress, or being back in control of your life. It might seem really scary, but you can do it and I promise you will feel a lot better when the decision is made. Start confiding in friends and family and take it one day at a time. Don't let him spoil any more of what should be a special time with a young child.

Keep posting, I know exactly how hard it is and will be here to support you.

overmydeadbody Sat 17-Oct-09 13:04:34

Why are you asking a bunch of strnagers on the internet if you chould leave?

He cheated on you, surely that's your answer?

overmydeadbody Sat 17-Oct-09 13:05:54

Agree with ScaryFucker.

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 13:19:00

I really don't think it's as black and white as that, unfortunately. So many people try and work through affairs, or deal with abusive situations, and it takes an awful lot of strength to leave once your self esteem has been eroded.

There's also the misplaced guilt of being the one to break up the family. I still have this even though I really had no choice but to leave H, I put up with a lot more than I should have before I did leave just to try and give the dc's a family. It's very rarely an easy decision to leave.

overmydeadbody Sat 17-Oct-09 13:29:33

Yeah but tired, it should be easy. People make things unnecessarily complicated.

ScaryFucker Sat 17-Oct-09 13:42:39

TOTR, I see your point, really I do

but this man is already out of the family home

he has already left

and instead of being honest about his intentions (ie. that he wants to be a single man and fuck around), he keeps megmums on a leash by being all "indecisive" and "confused" and "broken". I bet his dick isn't broken hmm

so he isn't "working on it" is he? Megmums might be working on it, but if he isn't, what is the point?

Unless you want more heartache, hurt and your self-esteem to be pummelled into oblivion...

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 13:42:51

It should be easy but sometimes life makes things complicated. For example, my first dc has mild but complex SN, and it looked likely that the second would at one point. I'm a strong person but I really didn't know that I could physically cope on my own with 2 tiny dc's with additional needs, and that played a large part in decision making tbh.

I needed to wait until I was sure about dc2 (who seems fine, and dc1 is improving quickly) before I had the strength to deal with H. Horrendous, and nobody looking in would have known, I was very good at putting on a cheerful together act.

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 13:46:08

Cross post scary, I totally and utterly agree that megmums should leave (or begin proceedings against her H) given her situation.

I think I'm really just defending her need to keep asking us for reassurance, even though it sounds like such an easy decision from the outside. Come on megmums, you can do it.

ScaryFucker Sat 17-Oct-09 13:51:59

I know TOTR, btw I have read many of your posts and respect you immensely

It must be so, so hard especially when these fuckwits shatter your belief in yourself

I was reacting more to the resigned tone of her OP, it almost seemed that she was willing to accept this behaviour from him as if she didn't feel she had a choice

but megmums, you do have a choice

and you can take control

being in control of your life is such an important thing, living on the leash of a feckless, unfaithful, weak, immature man is honestly my definition of hell

I would rather live in a cardboard box than that

tiredoftherain Sat 17-Oct-09 14:07:19

thanks scary, that means a lot to hear that from you!

I'm sure megmums can do it, and I think she will. It's just getting the final bit of courage to jump. Megmums, you are absolutely doing the right thing, you deserve infinitely better than this immature idiot controlling yours and your dd's life.

megmums Sat 17-Oct-09 15:10:09

Thanks guys..

I know i will be happier without him, it's just the stress and hassle that will come before the final separation/divorce...more the practical stuff.

Like my job which i love and will have to give up when we move back to be nearer family. I love my house too, and don't want to go into rented accommodation again. I know this is all silly stuff and i should not hope that he will wake up and realise what a tit he is. I now know that he will never change, he said he wanted to, but now i know he can't.

Has anyone has any experience of going to the CAB?

gonnabehappy Sat 17-Oct-09 16:24:14

The cab are excellent. It is also worth remembering that most solicitors will give you half an hour of their time. You do not need to do everything all at once but it helps to have the information.

For what its worth the people manning the benefits helpline were also very very helpful when I wanted to find out about child tax credits in different scenarios.

Don't push yourself too hard, just start taking baby steps to arm yourself with facts so you can make informed choices.

This is foul - I really admire you for keeping going as long as you have.

megmums Sat 17-Oct-09 20:19:18

Thanks gonnabehappy, it helps to get practical advice. I have been putting up with shit for far too long, and even now when i see/speak to him i find it soo hard to stay strong, not to let him manipulate me.

dippymummyto2boys Sat 17-Oct-09 21:32:36

megmums - i remember your previous thread and i'm really sorry he is still being a total idiot.

Good luck with your new start

xxx

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