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When I talk to DH he says that I just go on and on and on

(17 Posts)
meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 18:21:30

I have changed my name for this thread but have been a regular since last Summer. If you work out who I am please do not say it. If you want to comment personally you can msn or CAT me.
When I talk to DH he says that I just go on and on and on. It is just how I sort out stuff in my head by going over and over it again and again. So when we are trying to talk about stuff I keep repeating myself as I try to get my head round it. He just doesn't listen and says that there is no point in remembering conversations or what is said to him. So today I am not talking to him unless it is completley nescessary
I told him that I am not going to waste my energy on talking to him. I was so angry last night, I ended up in tears.
He says he does listen better when he is doing stuff like washing up etc, rather than sitting down talking to me. And that he remembers better that way but I don't believe him. Cos I have watched him talk to others on the phone while reading the paper etc. He says I don't mind when others do stuff when I am talking to them on the phone and I told him that I know the people he said about don't listen either. They are more interested in telling me about their children or problems. But that I expect my husband to listen to me I know that I solve problems by looking at them from each angle. How do you solve things by going over them again and again from each perspective or from the first idea that comes to you?
Sorry this is a long rant I just had to "talk" to somebody or "tell" somebody.

charleepeters Sun 12-Jun-05 18:32:53

oh meerkat i dont quite know what to say but just wanted to say sorry your having such a rough time of it, i know what you mean as i think we all expect or partners to listen to us when we are talking. im here if you wanna chat

Tortington Sun 12-Jun-05 18:42:36

my husband threatens my kids with " dont start your mother will go off on one cheeky b8stard. i sound remarkablelike you in my ranting ability meerkat. however i explain that ihave to get it out or it makes me unhappy and i am sorry that i can't be more succint but its his fault for pissing me off in the first place

meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 18:47:48

charleepeters Thanks for replying. I am just tired of talking to him and then the next day he doesn't have any idea what was said to him, his eyes just seem to glaze over and I can tell he has switched off. IYSWIM
I just would like to have a conversation with him and know that he has actually remembered it. Yesterday DS was being bullied at a party by a friend's DS {3 years older and is a teenager} The bully knew exactly that he was doing wrong, {although he does have DS but totally "on the ball"IYKWIM} I went to find my DS and other children told me what was happening and came accross the bully first and knew by his face what had happened and that he knew it was wrong. Anyway the bullies parents are really good friends of ours and I said to DH that he ought to speak to the father as he would handle it better than the mother.
So anyway we were going over how would the best way to start the conversation off. And so I was saying all the different ways the conversation might go etc. And he said we were just going round in circles.

meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 18:50:00

custardo Thanks that is a really good way to put it to him. I am glad that I am not the only one.

meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 18:55:15

BTW the bully although he does have DS is incredible and actually our son hasn't even noticed that there is anything different about him IYSWIM he has known him all his life and just sees him as XXXXXXX. His language etc is excellent

meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 18:57:29

Do others solve problems by going over stuff again and again?
What do their DH/DP do when you do that?

Ladymuck Sun 12-Jun-05 19:11:24

Have you read "Men are from Mars". It is a bit general, but does look at different communication styles. It sounds as if you and your dh have very different problem solving styles - it doesn't make either of you right or wrong, just different.

Don't know you circs but if you look at the relate website it has some ideas around different personality types (from memory it colour codes them), as well as tips for how to deal with someone who is a different colour from yourself. I make decisions very quickly (but may change my mind later!) - Dh thinks everything through quote carefully, takes his time, but will then be almost totaly inflexible once he has reached a decision. So for us making joint decisions is a difficult process - but at least we know this. I know to bring up certain subjects moneths before I would usually think about them because I know that Dh needs the processing time. Or even on simple things - If I am about to make a cup of tea I will ask DH before I get up to go to the kitchen, because I will have gone to the kitchen, filled the kettle and watch it boil before he has decided!

Trifle Sun 12-Jun-05 19:15:44

I used to work with a guy who, if he could say something in 20 thousand words instead of 20 he would. Used to bore the bloody pants off of me. Sometimes he would say something interesting or funny but as you'd just about lost the will to live it would go by unnoticed. He would ask a question then basically answer it himself. You need to think about what you want to say, say it consisely then STOP and dont say any more to let him know that you are waiting for his input. If he is ignoring you it's because he probably knows that you'll witter away until you've answered the dilemma yourself anyway.

meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 19:28:55

Ladymuck and trifle Thanks for the replies. Will look on the website for relate. I have a book that says about that women have many more words than men to use in a day and so I think that could be the problem. Although I think it is more the case of me going round in cirles looking at the problem from all the angles that switches him off.
He even switches off if I tell him about a thread on here BUT do think that it may be my problem and perhaps I am just boring him
I just want him to listen to me sometimes and PAY ATTENTION

juicychops Sun 12-Jun-05 19:50:19

my dp is a bit like that meerkat. We have been going through a rough patch the last few months and i have stuff going on in my head all the time at the moment. Sometimes if he is in a good mood i can talk to him for a very short time but then he gets bored and switches off. Other times he will just start saying "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.." over what im saying cos he cant be bothered to listen or he will just say shut up im not listening to you i never listen to you blah blah blah. Its always about the same stuff so im always repeating myself but i have to cos he doesn't bother dealing with a problem. At the moment i just don't bother talking about my feelings with him as its too much hastle and i just end up getting upset.
However, he seems to be more respondant when i text him about problems. he seems to open up a bit more and be willing to talk about things. Maybe try that?

meerkat Sun 12-Jun-05 20:13:53

Have looked at RELATE and will do it tomorrow when feeling calmer. Juicychops Thanks for that idea of texting him I can text him tomorrow and see what happens. He is upstairs in the office atm. ANd I do not want to talk to him {well tbh I do really but am determined not to} I am going to go to bed in a moment to watch TV. Cos if he thinks I talk too much I will talk the bare minimum and ignore him.
He needs to talk other stuff over but am not going to bother {he has to write some letters and wants my input and opinion, which I am not going to give tonight.}

elastamum Sun 12-Jun-05 20:18:10

Hi Meerkat,

Poor you, sounds like you are just 2 different personality types. If you are interested in the theory of personality types look at Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI)on the internet.
Different types solve problems and approach life in different ways and frequently misunderstand each other - or drive each other mad
My DH and are very different, he is an introvert and I am an extravert who thinks outloud. Fortunately we now understand our differences and are even able to joke about the fact that we approach things sometimes in completely opposite ways, in fact we have just had a similar incident to yours tonight which culminated in us taking the piss out of each other rather than getting cross which is what we used to do!

edam Sun 12-Jun-05 20:24:12

Meerkat, think Elastamum's post is spot on - do have a look at Myers-Briggs (a mother-daughter team, by the way), could be really helpful.
Juicychops, your dh just sounds extremely rude. Speaking over you going 'yeah yeah yeah' isn't a different communication style, it's just rude. And he's getting away with this?!

juicychops Sun 12-Jun-05 20:30:30

edam, no he's not getting away with it any more. last week was the last straw and i was ready to walk out. If he doesn't stop this childish behaviour he knows that i WILL leave him so for the last week he has been working on it

edam Sun 12-Jun-05 20:33:20

Good, I'm glad he seems to have heard the message. Your post just struck a chord for some reason, made me very on your behalf.

juicychops Sun 12-Jun-05 20:36:17

oh, sorry edam

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