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no friends, not one, no family who cares for us, nothing, anyone in the same shoes?

(14 Posts)
coco3 Thu 15-Oct-09 06:33:54

Hello to everyone here,

I am new at this so not sure where to begin, so I will try to write the best I can.

I am 42 years old, met my DH when I was 18, have a teenage child. Everything seems perfect right? No it is not and I have no one to talk about it.

We moved so many times it is crazy, not from city, but from countries. This is our 13 move and still counting. It should be nice but no. I have absolutely no friends, lost the few I had after they continued their life while I moved again. I do not talk to my family, only have my mother, do not know my father. My mom is always lying and it destroys everything so I had to stop to talk to her when she began also to lie to my child, big time. My family in law does not like me so here goes the family in law too. And all this since 23 years.

I am not sure I love my DH anymore. He is a wonderful guy, sometimes, but I feel like for him I am only a cleaning lady. He told me I am here to serve him, sort of joke but in a way he thinks it. He says he works and I do not so I have to do everything in the house and pass after him to pick up his socks, pick up his clothes, his left over things, ?.. He was alright when I had to stop working on our first move, at 23. Another country, another language. He had his new job, I had nothing. We just got married and I was put in this new country. Things were sort of ok but not really, I just got married and had a really hard time in the new country with no friends, no family, no knowledge of the language. All my friends I had back then stay in our home country. We went back and then again moved and moved. And in the meantime lost all our friends. Did I say I am afraid of flying so I do not fly unless it is an obligation, like moving for my DH work.

Before this move, we passed six years in another English country. I could understand, finally, what was going on, I had a few friends, not a lot as I am not someone that makes easily friend. Most of all our child had a great life, great friends, and she just got accepted in the best school of the country. Everything was going great. Still we were missing our home country and were thinking to eventually go back one day.

Suddenly, when we got the answer from the school, an offer for a place for our child, my husband come with a new job offer that ask us to move again in Asia. We tell him finally after weighing the pro and con that we do not want to go. But then he says that he wants a change and that he wants to take this job offer, that the job is his dream job. Salary not too great, but due to recession much better than no job. So here we are since a year, we refused the place in the best school of the country for our child, we came here to be as a family with many promises he made us. Unfortunately, school here is horrible, my DH works usually until 11pm 99% of the time, we never see him, and the job has turned into a not so dream job. We are not really as a family here as he is never home, so great for the fact we refused the school offer as the most important was to be as a family. I began drinking a lot and I have not been really proud of that. So much alcool in a day. Just to help me sort of forget.

On top of that, I definitely have no friends, not one, scary but true, not even one person, and I must say it is my fault as after all these years I have become a bit of a recluse and does not really trust anyone. I have been so many times disappointed by giving my trust that I am now staying all day long home. My days are everydays the same: bring DC to school, come home, walk dogs (took them with us in our moves), clean, computer, take back DC from school, home, walk dogs with DC, home, dinner, bed. DH usually comes back after we are in bed or just before when we are going to go to bed.

I do not know what to do, should I leave my DH,if so to go where, no one in our home country is there for me, nor anywhere else, I do not work since 20 years, I do not have friends,?. I could go back to our last country we were, but we refused the school offer for our child, so what is the point?

I feel like I am lost and I just want to be left alone, but then again, I would like to be able to have a life too. Anyone having been in my position and having seen the end of the bad days could help me? I would like to have friends.

I tried many times to make friends, I think sometimes I try to hard, plus I am really not funny and not really talkactive, not really interesting either with no stories about work to tell, so plain boring. I feel ashamed how boring and unintersting I am and I definitely do not attract people.

I thought about working but I am first really scared to work again after so many years, plus who will hire someone that does not speak the language of the country she is in, someone that did not work since 20 years? No one until now. I sent my resume in a few places but got not even one answer, and this in all the countries we have been to.

I have began a step, stop alcool, two weeks and I did not touch a bottle. I also began running, three times a week, beginner program. Just little step but I still do not feel I am better. I feel even worse. I know my life is far from bad but I am really down and cannot see the light coming back. It is like all these years I have died a bit each time with each move.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Thu 15-Oct-09 06:54:17

Ok, I don't have a massive amount of time, and at the moment my brain is not engaged enough to give advice.

But....welcome to MUMSNET... this may be a very positive step in letting some friendly, social, sometimes challenging company into your life.

Someone will come along with some help and advice but Hi from me and I hope you find something to resolve your

ErnestTheBavarian Thu 15-Oct-09 07:17:20

coco, baby crying can't answer now. hang in there sorrry you're feeling so crap. understand a lot of what you're going through. i'll be back lunch time

nooka Thu 15-Oct-09 07:19:19

Ouch. That sounds really difficult. I've moved countries twice and it is a huge upheaval, especially without working to cushion the unfamiliarity of everything and provide social contact. Where are you now? There might be some Mumsnetters with some experience of the country that you could share.

I think that if none of you are happy where you are now then you should really sit down and plan what to do about it as a family. Especially if your teenager is unhappy and school is a problem, because it's such a critical age I think. My ds (only 10) has found our moves really tough, and although one of the incentives was a better life for the children (and everyone always says what a great experience it is for children) I really don't think he sees it that way. It's all very well for us as adults to make choices, but children don't really have any real say in things (not sure they should, but it is an extra responsibility for parents IMO).

In the meantime, is their an ex-pat community where you are? I think you need to find some other English speakers and start to build up a group of people that you are friendly with (if not friends quite yet). I found the PTA worked quite well as they are always looking for volunteers, and it is much easier to spend time with strangers if you have a task to complete. If you are feeling a bit useless, what about doing some studying - either locally or through something like the OU (I think there are ways to do this, not sure how though, might be expensive). You know other people probably don't think you are boring - not many people have lived in more than one country, let alone 13!

Sounds like you are making some really positive steps with cutting out drinking (almost certainly made you feel worse) and taking up some exercise (it should make you feel better, exercise is good for mood). Don't beat yourself up about struggling to get work, it is a common experience amongst immigrants (even the best qualified struggle).

Podrick Thu 15-Oct-09 07:29:22

Voluntary work is an idea, and keep asking people round to yours for coffee or lunch

Unlikelyamazonian Thu 15-Oct-09 08:03:27

It sounds like your husband is being very selfish indeed. Is he actually helping you to make friends and settle more happily? It doesn't seem so at all. He is never there, he treats you like a domestic servant and he is obviously putting himself way way before both you and his own child.

Does your husband go out? Has he made friends in his 'dream' job? Are there never any social events to do with his job that you are invited to and he then introduces you to his work-colleagues and their wives/partners? It sounds as though he has totally isolated you and is simply hell bent on doing what HE wants with his life and stuff his 'family.'

Your Englsh is brilliant and you sound like a warm and caring person, not boring at all - you have lived in 13 different countries! That would make you spectacularly INTERESTING if I met you! You must be really courageous too to have just survived all those moves and all that upheaval and you are clearly a rock for your dc. Congratulate yourself for this (and you don't even let the dog down so give yourself another firm pat on the back.)

You sound worn down by h's demands and your self-esteem sounds broken by constantly being alone and on the move. If he loved you, truly, he would not be able to bear seeing you so unhappy. Have you talked with him about how unhappy you are?

Perhaps your husband is unhappy too and would like to make some changes and get more stability into your lives so that he could be a better husband and a better father. But I don't think he wants to - he could have done this long ago, say after move number 7 hmm !

I really feel for you you poor love. I emigrated, alone, to the other side of the world, and had to work very very hard to create a circle of friends for myself. It took time, effort and a lot of going out. But I didn't have children, I had a good job and I spoke the language - English! (it was australia) So very well done you for getting so far without packing up your bags and your dc and running away from your H and your life screaming!!

I have no family, no in-laws and no H (a bit like you - your H isn't really 'there' for you is he)I also have a small child. I need my friends and rely on them. I would go nuts if I had no friends. So let everyone here on MN put their thinking caps on and try to help you work through how best you can change things in your life and get some light and laughter back.

Keep posting.

Big hug

How old are you and which country are you in now?

sparkybint Thu 15-Oct-09 08:08:18

Hello coco3, just wanted to say welcome, you will find great advice here. Haven't time to say much now other than congratulations that you've decided to do something about what sounds like an intolerable situation.

You sound like a lovely person who would easily find friends if only you knew how.

This is the first step.

ErnestTheBavarian Thu 15-Oct-09 13:22:06

hi coco, sid I'd get back to you but am again really pushed. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, but now I'm glad to see others have seen and answered.

Where are you now? I have moved a lot too, though not as much as you. I know it's really really hard, especially if you're a sahm, so you don't have the social contact/focus/stabilty etc etc that dh does in job. Started from scratch is incredibly xdraining, especially when you have to do it over & over again. I also have lost touch with most people, amd your post struck so many chords with me.

I also now find it harder rather than easier to make friends. Your confidence does take a real knowcking doesn't it?

I don't think I could do voluntary work, or get a job at this point becasue of kids (1 baby and dc who is frequently poorly). I have (just 2 weeks ago) started piano lessons, so I have something new to do. I have joined a couple of groups so I have usually once a week meeting with women in similar positions.

Could you do any of these things? YOu can CAT me if you want & we can share tips and ideas.

You also need to have a long serious talk with dh about where you are and where you're going. Are you originally from UK? WOuld you want to return?

oneplusone Thu 15-Oct-09 13:22:28

hello coco. You poor thing. You have been through a lot, even though like you say it might look fine on the outside. I think you need to try and talk to your DH and really speak from the heart and tell him how you feel. I hope he is willing to listen and understand how lonely you are. You have taken some positive first steps, keep going with those.

I hope somebody will be along soon with some more advice and support for you.

Keep posting. Am so glad you have found your way to mumsnet, we're all here to help you.

thatsnotmymonster Thu 15-Oct-09 13:33:09

Hi Coco, welcome to Mumsnet.

I hope you at least meet a few people on here to chat with!

I am sure you are not boring! We can all feel like that sometimes- when I first moved here I was so tired all the time having young dc and felt like I had nothing to talk about excepr the children as I don't work and every day is the same. However, I asked people round for coffee, organised parties etc and eventually I feel as though it has started to pay off and I am beginning to make more friends!

What nationality are you and where do you live now?
How old is your dd?

ErnestTheBavarian Thu 15-Oct-09 14:01:05

It is really isolating not having friends or family, not having anyone to go round to. Then the lack of socila contact seems almos normal, or you get used to it, but need it at the same time. Not living in your own country and not feeling like you have control over your life/where you live/where you are going to be living is hard. If you have moved so much, is dc at IS? what support networks or systems are in place? WOuld be helpful to know your nationality&location

6feetundertheGroundhogs Thu 15-Oct-09 14:05:04

Well, you are not alone now!

MN may not be an antidote to being lonely in real life, but it sure as heck helps!

Have you tried ExpatFocus or ExpatExchange, you only need 1 person to make a massive difference in your life. Take a deep breath and have another go at finding a friend.

I know exactly what you mean by feeling lonely, not having anyone to speak to, and feeling more miserable than anyone would ever thing possible.

I've only lived abroad once though, and it almost broke me. I can't begin to imagine how it must be multiplied by 13...

You simply have to be the strongest woman there IS, cos I wouldn't be able to survive another move now, and I daresay many wouldn't have managed to put up with what I did. But you, dear sister, are one heck of a woman to have got this far.

I know what you mean by reliving each day exactly as before, exactly as tomorrow. I've been there. The clothes the same, the weather the same, the food the same, give or take, even the flaming TV was pretty samey day in day out. I used to wake up in tears just knowing that there was no chance of a better day than the shitty day I'd had the day before. And I knew that there was little prospect of it ever being better.

My screen name is Groundhog for that very reason. Here is the only place the Groundhog still lives, cos I've only just started posting really. I'll find a new name that more accurately reflects the return to a normal happy and varied life.

You sound depressed, really you do. Can you get yourself to a Dr and get some Anti-depressants. Is that possible where you are? It wasn't where I was, and there was no easy way to get alcohol either.. Just as well I suppose...

Try to get some ADs, they will help you dispel the feelings of utter hopelessness, then you have to be a little bit stronger for a little while longer, I'm afraid, and get yourself out there again to meet real life people.

My heart goes out to you, keep posting, you are not alone anymore, remember that, and I for one think that you are possibly the strongest woman I have ever 'met'. Please tell yourself that?

Groundhogs thinks you ROCK!

Huge hug, keep in touch and keep going!

stuffitllllama Thu 15-Oct-09 14:18:37

Oh hell how awful

Firstly, it can only get better now you've joined mumsnet and I guarantee you won't feel so alone!

Secondly, congratulations SO MUCH on coping with everything that you have done. You may not feel like your self esteem is up to much, but my god, you've moved thirteen times, you've started again thirteen times. And set up home, and supported a family, a child through that. It's incredible. You should pat yourself on your back for that. You are not boring. That's an incredible achievement.

Thirdly congratulations on trying for jobs too -- I really mean that. How hard can that be, in your situation. That's confidence. You have done so well to try to find paths forward.

On making friends, I would say, find an expat group of your community. If you can find a woman friend who you can vent to it will be transforming. Are you mobile? Do you drive? Also a very transforming thing to acquire a licence in a different country and find your way around independently.

I would sign up to join a whole bunch of groups you might not even be interested in, just to see how they go. Don't count on your dh for any support socially AT ALL. He won't give it: he has social contact at work and he obviously doesn't see the need.

You need social contact, it puts everything into perspective. There might be groups at the school running "get to know the city" tours. You could volunteer yourself to help somewhere just to meet people who you might not even think are "your type" at first but it doesn't matter. And join a language class. Put yourself out there and think about what you've already achieved and let it give you confidence!

All the very best, it sounds to me like your internal resources are exhausted. But you must be so strong to have got this far. Stay with mn for starters. You will laugh and you'll find sympathy. And there's a "living overseas" group you could line up with. GOOD LUCK COCO3!

OscarByTheSea Thu 15-Oct-09 19:26:37

Coco, you sound lovely but you sound so, so sad. Where are you?

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