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HELP! What do you all think?

(66 Posts)
TheMistressCullen Thu 15-Oct-09 00:11:23

I am a regular/lurker - I have name changed, because over the course of this thread I may reveal more than I would normally want to.

My DH manages a shop in a large shopping precinct. There is a bakery type cafe nearby. I had a bad feeling about a girl who worked there, for the following reasons...

She had been involved with one of his employees, very on/off relationship, but it meant I'd hear a lot about her. (Like oh Xgirl came in today to see xlad but he wasn't in, we ended up talking about Y and stuff.) It seemed she came in a lot to see this lad, but never when he was actually there - and you can see one shop from the other so you would really know who was there. IYSWIM.

Then, when the lad stopped working there it would be Xgirl came in to get some change and other such plausible things.. but again, it involved her being around a lot.

At the time I was pregnant with DS, so on mat leave, and would occasionally meet DH for lunch. A couple of times she was there, on one occasion they were stood outside talking, so I approached, said hello, and she totally ignored me, looked at me like I had totally gatecrashed her conversation, moved between me and DH with her back to me and said "so anyway! I'll catch up with you later" and walked off.

Then when we got back, we were talking outside the shop and she was sat on a high stool, in their outside eaty bit, and just stared at us very intently. When I actually looked at her, she was looking at DH in a very seductive manner - I can't explain this accurately - but it didn't feel right, I was really uncomfortable. Her body language is aalways very flirtatious..

On the last occasion we were xmas shopping together, and stopped at this cafe for DD to have a drink. DH went to the counter and Xgirl, who was in the back literally tripped over herself in her haste to serve him. There were two other staff members serving, and when they saw, they all kind of looked at each other like there was some shared knowledge that only she should serve him. She then blanked me again - and she did not take her eyes off him - but again in a way that made me very uncomfortable.

I haven't explained this very well, but basically it comes down to my intuition - which is telling me that this person is trouble.
I would though, like to know what you all think. Am I mad, or is there something in it?

He knows about this, but my intention is to show him this when I have some replies. There is a reason, but I am witholding that for now - not to drip feed, but because I'd like to know what you think up to this point first. IYSWIM?!

Sorry - I know it's long, thank you for persevering! I'm working tomorrow so I might not be able to return until tomorrow night. x

cathcat Thu 15-Oct-09 00:17:57

i think you should go with your gut instinct. She sounds like trouble. How old is she btw? Is she quite young/immature - does she understand boundaries?

Sugarkane Thu 15-Oct-09 00:24:07

I would always go with my instincts.

Leeka Thu 15-Oct-09 00:25:57

The important point is really whether you trust him or not, surely, so it doesn't matter what her intentions are or how odd she acts, as long as he isn't doing anything he shouldn't? Is he encouraging her to think there might be something between them, do you think?

BiteOfFun Thu 15-Oct-09 00:27:49

It does sound like she is up to no good. Is your DP flattered by this? Because he needs to tell her to wind her neck in.

TheMistressCullen Thu 15-Oct-09 00:30:19

No I don't think so, but I have had the kind of life where you can never be 100% sure. sad

There is a reason why I am asking this, and why I want your reaction to her behaviour, and yes, she's late teens early twenties.

jasper Thu 15-Oct-09 00:30:36

from what you have said so far the only thing I can conclude is she has poor manners.

Her flirtiness or otherwise to your DH is completely irrelevant.

It' s whether HE feels anything towards her that matters.

So called instincts are NOT reliable.

Interested in hearing your next installment!

howdoo Thu 15-Oct-09 00:31:19

Well, I think she fancies him and is too immature/stupid to understand that having a wife and child should make him off limits.
And it's not clear what he thinks from what you have said, although he is clearly not trying to hide you away IYSWIM.

TheMistressCullen Thu 15-Oct-09 00:34:01

Really, I'm trying to explain DH about "womens intuition" but he just doesn't get it. wink He thinks I'm mad... in a nice way. hmm I'm hoping you will all back me up - but please don't let that influence your decision - then he'll see it's real

TheMistressCullen Thu 15-Oct-09 00:38:51

Jasper - sorry I didn't see your post before I replied. What I'm trying to establish is whether her behaviour is inappropriate/flirtatious... regardless of his reaction.

If this was your DH would her behaviour make you feel uncomfortable, or am I reading too much into it?

The thread is not about him or whether I trust him, it's about whether my instincts about her are right. IYSWIM?!

EcoMouse Thu 15-Oct-09 00:39:30

She's definately after him if something isn't already going on!

Why the hell hasn't he told her to back off? He's hardly encouraging her to respect your relationship and I'd question his motives for this. By this I mean, is this ego rubbing so necessary to him that he wont tell her to back off for fear of upsetting her and losing his regular boost (therefore putting her feelings and his wants above your feelings) or is there something going on and therefore he can't tell her to back off and wouldn't want to?

Difficult. Go with your instincts on this, trust yourself above all others, whatever's said and done, feel your way to the truth.

jasper Thu 15-Oct-09 00:47:00

mistress, I see what you mean.
She just sounds rude and a bit of a prat!
And yes, probably inappropriate, but it is her choice to act like a prat so I really would not let it worry you, - not like you sound like a "get your hands off my man" type smile.

A woman I know made it very obvious she was into my husband.It went on for years. DH and I used to have a giggle about it .It certainly did not worry me

I'd be more concerned if dh got NO attention from women as he is very good looking!

Booooooooooyhoo Thu 15-Oct-09 00:58:18

yes your instincts seem right, she is clearly flirting with your man. i always trust my gut.

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 15-Oct-09 01:01:16

Her behaviour is not your business, really. She doesn't owe you anything. The only person whose behaviour you need to address/discuss is your H. He's either trustworthy or he's not - you know your history and his. If you can trust him, then stop worrying about what this woman does. If you can't trust him, you need to deal with that rather than putting everything on some random woman, because if your H is not monogamous or not trustworthy, unless you keep him in a cage there are always going to be attractive, potentially available women.

TheMistressCullen Thu 15-Oct-09 17:01:00

That isn't really what I'm getting at though. Are my instincts right, or is she just a friendly girl that I've totally misunderstood? For now, that's all I'm trying to establish..

triffictits Thu 15-Oct-09 17:17:36

I think your instincts are right - I would feel exactly the same about this situation. She is flirting with him and does sound a bit like trouble to me.

However, I would also wonder why she thought it ok to behave like that in front of you - why hasn'st your DH spoken to her about it?

ScaryFucker Thu 15-Oct-09 17:57:33

are you going to tell us the rest of the story now, OP ?

lovelylullaby Thu 15-Oct-09 18:27:36

She doesn't sound very friendly from her body language towards you.

HappyWoman Thu 15-Oct-09 18:31:51

she does sound as if she is flirting . but the only person who can put a stop to it is him.

Surely you just feeling uncomfortable about it should be enough for him to be able to say something to her.

Men dont like unsetting woman though - if he were to say something she would only get all shirty and say 'i was only being friendly' or even turn it onto you ' oh does your wife tell you not to talk to me then?'

He does need to know though that her behaviour towards you is not on and he should at least put her straight about ignoring you - that is very rude.

Would he introduce her to you - maybe he could say ' here is xgirl you will have heard me talking about her a lot - and here is my beautiful wife (name) - and if he is the flirtatous type he could say 'lovely woman at work and at home' but make sure he is close to you when he says that.

Darkdreamer Thu 15-Oct-09 18:42:00

If she was just a friendly she wouldn't be so rude to you.
Sounds like she's just a very immature girl that doesn't realise that a married man is not someone you should try to pursue. To me your instincts sound spot on!

cheerfulvicky Thu 15-Oct-09 18:43:00

Trust your instincts, always.
I would be concerned in this situation. For someone to be behaving like that... well. hmm. I agree with what SGB says, that you can't police or even really give a shit about her. You can't TELL her how to behave. But would she really be behaving like that around your DH if he was giving off strong "I'm not interested" vibes? That's the question that would be bothering me - does her behaviour mean that your husband hasn't been clear enough with her, is enjoying the attention/ego trip, maybe doesn't care if he leads her on a bit or a lot? He needs to demonstrate that he's not available. This should be in the form of including you if you join them in conversation, making it clear he is with YOU and wants to be.
The always mentioning her thing would get my back up. Why is he bothered enough to keep dropping her name into conversation, if she's just some random with a daft crush? It doesn't add up. Methinks he's enjoying this. Sorry.
Hope you get it sorted!

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 15-Oct-09 18:43:07

THere is actually no way a bunch of online sprites could know whether she is rude and pushy, or whether you are over-reacting. You could be a raving paranoid who sees Evil Husband Stealers Everywhere.
You haven't caught her with his cock in her mouth, after all. And it stil remains the most important point, whateve she does is her problem, it's your H's behaviour you need to worry about.

ParisFrog Thu 15-Oct-09 18:54:44

I would say she has a crush. She seems quite immature so maybe reads more into it than just him being friendly. Depends how long it has been going on - does he encourage her?

Agree with PPs - its HIS behaviour you need to worry about, not hers.

ParisFrog Thu 15-Oct-09 18:56:46

"What I'm trying to establish is whether her behaviour is inappropriate/flirtatious... regardless of his reaction."

flirtatious is hard to determine without seeing it. Inappropriate? Well, depends, maybe she is just being friendly because she KNOWS it can't go anywhere

PS why aren't you giving the reason (see your op)? Is it cos he denies her being interested and you want to prove she is?

6feetundertheGroundhogs Thu 15-Oct-09 19:00:19

During the past 2 months 20 (Yes, TWENTY) women have propositioned my DH while he's packing up to come back home to the UK. Word has got out that his wife has gone back to the UK and he's on his own...

He told me all this, and he told me he hadn't, nor would he ever go for it, cos he knows they are just slags.

You can't really do anything about her behaviour, it's his behaviour that will be key here.

Many men are clueless as to the wiles and lengths some women will go to, they just don't see it. It's a massive ego boost.

My DH told them all to get lost, the 3 that turned up at our flat unannounced he just yelled at, so that the whole building could hear who they were and what they were doing...

Not one of them has been back in contact.

DH needs to see that her bahaviour is beyond the normal realms of how normal people interract. her out-and-out rudeness to you is, all by itself, unacceptable.

How would any DH like it if DW is talking to a guy who gets in between DH and DW and says Anyway.

How would any guy accept a bloke sitting on a barstool staring at his wife? would he not say anything at all?

He'd be really pissed off if another man was rude to him the way you described she is to you.

Heck, I'm sure YOU'D be annoyed with a guy if he was off hand with your DH...

He may be naive, his ego may be flattered, but assuming you aren't a card carrying loon with serious issues, then you have an absolute right to sit him down and explain what she's doing to him, and to you.

Turn it around and ask him how he'd feel. At least he needs to distance himself from her. If she doesn't stop a word needs to be had with her manager.

Try that, if it doesn't work, come back and we'll cook up an MN plan to put her in her place!!

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