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How do I get the spark back in my marriage!

(6 Posts)
littlejo67 Wed 14-Oct-09 22:59:35

Does anyone else have a husband who gives them nice texts and calls during the day when they are at work, but when they come home they are grumpy tired and miserable and just not interested in any communication with you? It feels like he is two different people. I know after a days work its understandable to be tired and need some space. This though has been going on for months.He hardly sits in the same room and when he does he does not speak much. I feel that he does not find me interesting anymore. I have even asked him to ask me how my day was? Like I do for him. He says I am fault finding with him. Its like living with someone with depression. Though he always tells me about the fun he has with work colleagues. He even takes himself off to bed and texts me that he has. He cant even be bothered to tell me in person. I feel drained and unloved. Sorry for the moan. I do love him and know deep down he loves me but I am not sure whether he is good for me.

littlejo67 Thu 15-Oct-09 10:03:22

nudge..

Malificence Thu 15-Oct-09 11:55:53

My husband needs a bit of time to destress when he comes in at 11pm from work - he sits on facebook for half an hour or so then we go to bed and that's when we talk about our day. If I try and engage him in converstaion the minute he gets home I only get grunts, I'm exactly the same in the morning, it's no use him trying to talk to me till I've been up and had a cup of tea, my brain is disengaged.
Your husband sounds like he's shut himself off from you, texting you to say he's gone to bed is horrible!
Can you approach him about his behaviour when he's in a good mood and not grumpy/tired from work?
Being the "giver" in a one sided relationship
is very draining, I can feel the resentment in your post.

Ijustwanttobeloved Thu 15-Oct-09 12:34:11

My DH - will ring me when he is away with work and is very chatty - or sometimes ring me if he is travelling somewhere, and is fine, but when he comes home in the evening he is very quiet/withdrawn and miserable.

I have another post going, where because of his withdrawn behaviour I am convinced he is seeing someone else - maybe he is maybe he isn't, but either way life shouldn't be this hard.

If he likes to converse through text could you not send him a text about how he's making you feel ? or write him a letter ? or go out for dinner on neutral territory and try to talk to him. I do think we can get cught up in day to day life, and that the one person who they treat badly and hurt is the one they should love the most.

I'm sure if you talk to him he will improve, he may not even know he's being that way - take care

littlejo67 Thu 15-Oct-09 13:26:37

Mal- when you mentioned the resentment in my post I was fighting back the tears. He gets lots of days when he is the same - weekends, days off. He says he knows he is moody but he just doesnt want to talk.It hurts because I know he is ok with his colleagues.

Ijust- weird thing is we can talk via text to quite a deep level, but face to face he gets defensive and he ends up mad
When we have gone away for a weekend he is loving and caring. Back home he returns to withdrawn behaviour.
He has previously`played away`, though I dont believe he is now. The reason he stated was that I was not giving him enough or making him feel special.

He has a stressful job and found out 7 yrs ago that he cant have children. I appreciate that it must be hell for him as I have two kids from ex. I feel he resents me sometimes for this.He has mentioned that it reminds him what he is missing.I can understand how terrible it must be at times for him especially approaching Xmas. I just feel worn out with it at the moment. I dont feel very special at the moment either.Its difficult when I am running on empty to support him.
Thanks for your replies you two I feel listened to.

Ijustwanttobeloved Thu 15-Oct-09 16:51:39

That is exaclty how me and my DH are - we can talk very deeply via text and I can tell him how I feel, and he will respond, but if I try to talk to him, he just turns it all round and makes it all out to be my fault, and as though HE has started the conversation.

I can't believe how men think that they deserve all encompasing attention, and that they use this lack of attention as the reason for an affair. They act like little children wanting attention and if they don't get it, they throw their toys out and look for someone else who can give it to them.

Sorry for the rant feeling similar to you and unloved and sad.

Maybe he finds it easier to talk to people at work, because they aren't emotionally involved, and he can be care free at work, whereas at home he has all the stress's of family life. My DH is seen as the party animal at work, and is always invited along to every night out - but at home I get the after effects of his drinking/late nights, where he doesn't speak to me and is totally unresponsive to anything I say.

Your not alone I'm sure lots of woman feel the same way x

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