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what to do re friend......

(10 Posts)
hatesponge Wed 14-Oct-09 22:00:05

have a very close friend, have known her for many years. She is a few years older than me & a bit like an older sister (neither of us have sisters in fact). We are very close, she knows a lot of things about me that no-one else does. She has spent hours on the phone with me when I have had my heart broken & am a sobbing mess, has always been great with my DC etc.

However, I am, and always have been a little scared of her, and scared of pissing her off (she takes offence at certain things, like me not phoning her, quite easily...certainly much more readily than I would)

so, up til a few months ago, we used to speak every day. Then she went on holiday, then I was away (& whilst away had my phone stolen so couldnt call anyone much, as I only had DS's PAYG phone until my contract replacement came through, which for various reasons took weeks), so we didnt speak for a long time. When I got my phone back, I called her & left her a voicemail letting her know & said I would call. However I got totally caught up with other stuff and forgot blush

for the last 2 weeks since then i have been intending to phone her but keep putting it off cos i know she is going to bollock me for not calling her sooner. Yes I know she could call me, but she won't see it like that! anyway, at the weekend she messaged a mutual friend on facebook something about the importance of maintaining contact etc, which I feel may have been a dig at me

I do know I've been a bit crap, I should have phoned her before now, but the fear of being told off is now delaying me.....please tell me I'm being pathetic & should just call her tomorrow!

CybilLiberty Wed 14-Oct-09 22:02:18

Oh god she sounds like an awful friend. You should n't be scared of friends! Or do what I am doing with a similarly bossy controlling friend, gradually cut her out.

hatesponge Wed 14-Oct-09 22:05:45

no, she is lovely really, I'm obviously not making her sound as great as she actually is!

ladymariner Wed 14-Oct-09 22:07:57

not that great, else she would call you!!!! and why are you scared of her......

CybilLiberty Wed 14-Oct-09 22:11:40

If a friend tels you off they are not your friend, they are your mother

hatesponge Wed 14-Oct-09 22:13:27

she normally does call me- the fact she hasnt is making me think she is v pissed off with me...I dont know if I am scared of her as such, possibly that's not the word, I don't do criticism very well, it upsets me (something to do with being brought up by parents who mostly thought I was perfect I suppose!) & if when I phone her she is a bit snippy/pissed off, I will feel bad about that & it's that reaction that I am scared of...if thats the word.

Jajas Wed 14-Oct-09 22:17:27

Does she expect you to speak to her every day? Seems an awful lot to ask of anybody as most have busy lives and lots of calls on their time. I might be tempted to tell her that you were scared to call her and put the responsibility onto her shoulders. I really don't think you should have to feel obliged to do so much, if you are such good friends it should be more flexible and understanding than that.

CybilLiberty Wed 14-Oct-09 22:18:52

I have realised that real friends support me and listen and don't make demands that I ring or get pissed off when I don't call back immediatley.

Real friends don't need an explantion, the same way you wouldn't need an explanation if a friend did it to you.

Are you a people pleaser by any chance?

hatesponge Wed 14-Oct-09 22:26:07

we did used to speak most days...we are both on our own so that is probably why, I know I didnt speak to her as much when I was with my Ex because I seemed to have less spare time then!

I might tell her I was a bit worried about calling her, may smooth the waters!

CL, yes I probably am - I certainly get upset when people don't like me, & feel I need to understand why.....

CybilLiberty Wed 14-Oct-09 22:28:51

It sounds like you are letting your imagination run away with you, she may not be thinking angry things at all.

But I think you need to think about how you respond to her and do things your way a bit more, toughen up and not worry about pleasing her.

It's up to her if she gets the hump, it's not your fault. Try and make it like water off a ducks back..

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