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Do you think my DH is up to no good - or am I imagining it ?

(44 Posts)
Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 21:47:49

Hope this message isn't too long and rambling :-

I have been with my DH for about 11 years, - we met at work and had an affair (not a good way to meet I know - lots of people got hurt !). There was a lot of heartache on both sides, and had made my trust in him a little shakey !

We have a DS, and have always had a volatile relationship, in so much as we are both quite strong minded and controlling people who don't like to give in (Not a good personality trait I know !), never any violence but lots of heated rows.

Even though we have always rowed we have always loved each other, and when either on holiday or out for a night out, had a good time with each other and rekindled our relationship.

I gave up a good job about 18months ago, because I was finding it too stressful and wanted to spend time bringing up our DS as he is a very sensitive little boy. He massively resents this and feels that I should be at work, and if I don't go back to work, then he says he will also give up work so he can swan about all day drinking coffee with my friends etc (Which I don't generally do as I travel 120 miles 3 times a week to visit my poorly Mum in hospital)

Just lately DH seems to have completely removed himself from me, and our relationship, and when I try to get things back on track, he has said that he doesn't want to go out together on our own as he doesn't really like me or want to spend any time with me etc etc. I have sent him letter's text's etc asking him to try and work things out for the sake of our DS, but he refuses to talk to me, unless it's in a row where he says things like "I'm not a nice person" so when I point out I have a lot of friends etc, he tells me that they are not telling me the truth and that they are all lying to me (He know's how to hurt me and what to say !). I have asked him to consider going to relate (we went a few years ago) but he now says that he wont do this as he's not doing anything else I want him to do, and that he's going to live his life how he wants to and that I have got to "Put up with it". He said that the last time he went it was only to keep me happy and that he didn't really believe anything he was saying during the sessions...!

I also asked him if he could try and come home a coupe of nights per week (If he wasn't working late of away) so he could have a meal with myself and our DS, to which he again replied that he would not be doing that as his whole life was controlled by me and that he was sick of it !

It got so bad that several weeks ago I said that it may be best if we seperated for a while to see how things went, and he agreed, but before the end of the weekend I couldn't face it and asked him to stay. I think that was because I do really love him and couldn't face the thought of not seeing him again. Also our DS adores him and it would cause him so much pain to see his Daddy leave.

I'm so confused on the one hand he makes me feel so unloved and unwanted that I think it would be best if he went, but on the other hand I really do love him and can't face life without him.

The reason I am very suspicious of him is a) him emotionally distancing himself from me b) he keeps his phone with him constantly and looked very flustered when I asked him if I could look at it after I thought I saw him texting someone at 1am c) we are never intimate anymore and he never looks at me as though he fancies me and d) he is away so much that he has ample opportunity.

I am so sorry that this post is so long, but feel as though I am going mental and am sat here on my owne feeling very sad.

P.S When I say about seperating etc, he always claims that he loves me -

If anyone can make any sense of the above I would really love to hear your thoughts - thanks x

CarGirl Wed 14-Oct-09 21:52:09

it does sound as though there is a strong possibility of there being someone else you don't text people at 1am!

Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 21:56:08

I know - it makes me me so sad and angry that he would want to throw away such a nice and happy life

maybe he's having a MLC ?

I really need to know but not sure how to go about checking up (eg: he keeps his phone with him at all times and doesn't keep sent text messages etc)

ScaryFucker Wed 14-Oct-09 21:57:20

yes definitely

Alibooobaandthe40phantoms Wed 14-Oct-09 22:02:04

I'm sorry but it does sound like he's having an affair.

I suggest you gather your evidence and get a solicitor.

wannaBe Wed 14-Oct-09 22:04:33

I'm going to be blunt, given you started this relationship as an affair it was always on the cards tbh.

Has he cheated on you before?

tiredoftherain Wed 14-Oct-09 22:05:14

I'm so sorry, it really sounds as though he has another woman. That's exactly how my H behaved and finally he got caught by some fluke. I wouldn't have known if it weren't for her H being on to it.

It's the sudden indifference which marks it out, it's nothing you've done, it's that there's someone else involved. He will probably deny it, so if there's any way you can gather evidence without him knowing I'd start digging. I really feel for you, it's horrific.

ScaryFucker Wed 14-Oct-09 22:05:17

I smell karma in the air....

FrayedKnot Wed 14-Oct-09 22:06:51

Yes, it does sound like he has someone else sad

He is bullying you too, because he knows he can, and if he's feeling guilty, it probably allieviates the guilt to an extent.

If you ask him for a separation and then two days later, change your mind, it opens the door for him to act completely selfishly, because he knows that however badly he behaves, you won;t challenge it.

If you want to separate, you need to tell him and stick to your guns. Then it will be up to him to decide whether he wants to help save your relationship, if it's what he wants. You may have to accept, though, that it possibly isn;t sad

Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 22:07:26

I don't know how to gather the evidence - as I said he usually has his phone with him.

I do check up when he says he's staying away in hotels and he is always where he says he is - I have checked wether it is single or double occupancy etc and it's always single, so I'm not sure what else I can do ???

Part of me thinks he keeps his phone with him to annoy me - as he knows I check it (such a stable relationship....... not !). He also checks my phone - how crap does all this sound - but I just want to be happy, and all I feel at the moment is sad !

SeveredPartOfTheHumphreysGroup Wed 14-Oct-09 22:09:28

Sorry, but this sounds like a dead relationship already. Where are the good bits??

You can be a lot happier on your own / with someone better in the future.

tiredoftherain Wed 14-Oct-09 22:09:40

I also wonder how relationships which start as affairs can have much long term chance. Surely the trust is undermined right from the start. If someone has sneaked around with you, surely they're capable of doing it behind your back.

That's not meant to sound judgey, just thinking the same about my own soon to be XH and his OW.

unavailable Wed 14-Oct-09 22:11:42

You say he is very resentful that you have stopped working outside the home. Did you discuss things fully before you gave up your job? From your post, he clearly resents you for this.

Are your family finances now quite stretched? Is his job secure? Could it be that he is hiding debts rather than an affair?

Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 22:11:44

Hi Wannabe -

I don't think he has ever had an affair before - he has had flirty texts with another work colleague that I found on his phone - hence the stopping the Sent messages on his phone.

I know how we met wasn't great, and that we did hurt other people (mainly my exP, as his was already being unfaithful as well). Neither of us were married, and there were no children involved - not that it makes it any better I know !

DuelingFANGo Wed 14-Oct-09 22:15:10

"it makes me me so sad and angry that he would want to throw away such a nice and happy life"

it doesn't sound like a nice and happy life to be honest, for either of you.

Could you sit down and come to some compromise RE the work situation? Maybe go back to work part time to ease the financial burden?

ScaryFucker Wed 14-Oct-09 22:15:24

all ladies on the other threads whose partner has left them because they thought the grass was greener, should come and read this thread

I am sorry you are being treated like shit, Ijustwanttobeloved, but really, could you expect anything else ?

Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 22:15:42

I have asked him and asked him if he is having an affair and he says he isn't (not that he's going to own up to it though is he ?)

I am now on AD's and feeling like i have reached rock bottom.

I just don't understand how he can be so unhappy and not want to do anything about it - last week in a brief moment of niceness (after a huge row) he did say that we would look back on this in a year like a bad dream - but then goes back to being distant - so confusing

FrayedKnot Wed 14-Oct-09 22:15:51

It is not true to say that all people who have affairs and go on to have long term relationships will always have trust issues.

Affairs happen for lots of different reasons and in different circumstances.

But you obviously don;t trust each other generally - obsessively checking each others' phones is not normally part of a happy, trusting relationship.

Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 22:19:15

Our finances are fine - he has a very good job and we could afford for me not to work.

I did go bacvk to work earlier in the year (because of so much pressure from him) but then my Mum was ill so I had to give up again.

I wouldn't mind but when I did go backt o work he didn't help with our DS at all

ScaryFucker Wed 14-Oct-09 22:20:43

maybe he doesn't want to rock the boat because you are continuing to cook his meals and wash his skiddy undies

nice bit of stuff elsewhere, wifey at home

no wonder he treats you with contempt

horrible position to be in

tiredoftherain Wed 14-Oct-09 22:22:09

No, he won't own up to it. I think it's pretty common for guilty parties not to own up to anything which cannot be proven. My H was incredibly creative at explaining away even things which seemed pretty damning, and I believed it for a while as I wanted to.

You'll need to be a step ahead of him, or trust your instincts and start making plans to leave. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, even at its best.

EightiesChick Wed 14-Oct-09 22:22:56

To be honest, whether or not there is someone else it sounds as if a separation would do you good. It would at least get you used to life without him (which you CAN manage, if it works out that way) and give him some space to potentially miss you and your DS.

Is he generally a good dad? I mean, beyond earning money for you and not being abusive? I ask because you have said your DS adores him but you haven't mentioned anything he really does as a father, and not even wanting to be home to see his DS for dinner is a bit sad.

I do understand why you would want to save this, even though things are very bad right now. That's not saying it will be salvageable but I understand.

Are you having counselling as well as the ADs? Could you go, alone, if not?

wannaBe Wed 14-Oct-09 22:24:41

sf think you're being a bit harsh. Thing is, people do meet other people and relationships end because of it. And sometimes there was something missing in the relationship that caused the break-up. And sometimes people who start out as affairs do end up in happy relationships/marriages.

And sometimes the people who started out as affairs do see that they were in the wrong, but by then the damage has been done. Should a woman who has started out her relationship as an affair be demonised for ever for it?

Tjeu weren't married, they didn't have children, now the op and her dh are married, they have a child, does she deserve to be hurt just because she hurt someone in the past?

Relationships do end and people get hurt, sometimes there isn't even someone else involved. Should everyone who hurts someone else be hurt in return one day?

Sorry for highjack op.

Can I ask, if the relationship started out with no trust, why was this? apart from the obvious affair, you said that his ex was already seeing someone else anyway so why did you not trust him?

Also, did he want to marry you? Or did you get married because of the hurt you'd caused? I can imagine that if you've had an affair and do feel some guilt over that and you've hurt other people, there might be a need/feeling of obligation to see the new relationship through, otherwise the hurt you've caused could be in vain iyswim.

You really don't sound happy, and if he won't go to relate then perhaps it's time to reconcile yourself with the reality that you've reached the end of the road.

IWantAChickAndADuck Wed 14-Oct-09 22:25:14

IME, If you think he is, he most probably is sad Women's intuition..

Hope you get things sorted, whatever the outcome.

Ijustwanttobeloved Wed 14-Oct-09 22:28:12

Yes he is a good Dad - when he is around. He plays with our DS and we do a lot of social things which involves DH playing with DS - we are always with other people though and his moods aren't good when we are on our own - which makes me sad as I feel he would be happier and nicer to DS if I wasn't around.

He feels that I control and plan his life to much and that he wants to be spontaneous and that I restrict him (I generally organise the social side of our lives as most woman do).

I say to him that I feel he doesn't like me etc, and he just stares at me and then walks away - I feel such an idiot to be so needy in front of him, as I used to be such a strong career girl and I don't where that "me" has gone.

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