Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex FIL will give me £400 if I 'apologise'...

(80 Posts)
DeFluffMyFanjo Wed 14-Oct-09 16:52:18

Sorry - long story, trying to explain background to be fair to all parties.

ExH and I split over 3.5 years ago. We have a nearly 5 yr old dd.

ExH was/is a pratt. Rubbish with money, one of the reasons we split was because of the constant bailiff letters (even though we both had good jobs he just wouldnt pay bills), I had to pay loans off for him and he cost me thousands of pounds (his STI, constant lying, lack of personal hygiene etc were also reasons!!).

So, ExH has been an idiot re our dd, cancels visits at short notice for things like stag dos, friends birthday parties etc, doesnt bother with parents evenings or asking how she is or anything a normal parent would do. He went through a solicitor to get access every two weeks then turned round and said he only wanted once a month as he 'couldnt afford the petrol'. He turns up at 11 and leaves at 4pm because he says he wants to get home before it gets dark. This is his one visit every say 6 weeks (it usually works out to). About a year and a half ago he moved 200 miles away to live with his dad.

He was made redundant 7 months ago and has not paid any maintenance for over 4 months. He also owes me £400 in court ordered costs for the divorce. He seems unwilling to do any job that he sees as 'beneath him' and is instead (I believe) holding out for his 'dream job'. In the meantime I am finding it difficult financially.

Our dd goes to private school (dont flame me!) and the court order for payment included half of the fees. I recently emailed him to ask if he had a new job (with him being 200 miles away I have no idea what hes up to in terms of work and he wont speak to me on the phone so I cant ring him). He said he was 'looking', I got very frustrated and emailed him to say that my family were helping me financially (I am having to borrow money off them to pay bills) and that I didnt understand why as it was him out of work not me (I work nearly full time) his family werent helping as well.

His dad emailed me today to say lots of things mainly that I'n 'emotionally abusive' (to his son for questioning him re work) and that Im disgusting for querying his finances (the dads). He then said that he can't help financially as he has no money (fair enough) but that if he did have the money he wouldnt anyway because of my 'attitude'. He said that he was willing to borrow the £400 to pay me the outstanding court debt his son owed me but only if 'you apologise to me for your attitude'.

The email was so horrible and Im so upset that he would put his evident hatred of me over helping his granddaughter that I never want him near me or her ever again. I hate it when her father has her because he turns up once every 6 weeks then disappears again for another 6 weeks and totally confuses her. She calls my DP 'Daddy' (because she asked to) and it is him that does everything 'parent wise' with her.

How do I get over my feelings of bitterness at my Exh and FIL, so that my dd can see them every 6 weeks without me giving off vibes of pure hatred? And are their actions fair? My DP would like to formally adopt DD, has anyone any experience of this?

Sorry for the rant and mixed up emotions and thank you if you read this far!

bogie Wed 14-Oct-09 17:01:45

This is a tricky one,
I hate it when people want me to apologize for somthing that I feel doesn't warrent one.
But I bet the £400 would be a real help, my son is at a privet pre prep and fees are not somthing you want to fall behind on.
I think your right he is wrong but I might be tempted to via email say I am sorry for my attitude but I really think your son is not pulling his weight and your grand daughter will have to leave the school she is settled in if he doesn't pay his maintenance.

overmydeadbody Wed 14-Oct-09 17:03:39

Well how does he want the apology?

TBH i may be tempted to 'fake' an apology just to get the money. Just because you say sorry doesn't mean you are admitting to having done something wrong or that you are actually sorry for yuor behaviour.

Hassled Wed 14-Oct-09 17:05:16

I think you need to a)take your DD out of private school if you can't afford it and are having to borrow to get by. You can always rethink it if/when your finances improve. At 5, she's young enough that it won't be a huge trauma for her (I'm suggesting this on the basis that you have an OK state school nearby - if I'm wrong, ignore).

Then b) step away from the tosser Ex. You've given him every opportunity to step up, and he hasn't. It's very unlikely he will change. And ignore the ex-FIL email - he's clearly nuts. In some ways it would be easier to just kiss the £400 goodbye and move on, but equally I can see he owes it to you and you have every right to pursue things.

Your ex would have to give his consent to the adoption but it can certainly be done.

diddl Wed 14-Oct-09 17:07:47

I wouldn´t take FILs money.

And TBH,how is your ex supposed to pay half towards private school fees when he´s not in work?

If your family help, it´s up to them, but it´s also upto his family to help, or not as they choose.

overmydeadbody Wed 14-Oct-09 17:08:16

Actually, have just properly read your post, your ex FIL sounds horrible and so does your ex. They are trying to emotionally manipulate you.

He doesn't actually have the £400 does he? So don't apologise.

sarasusie123 Wed 14-Oct-09 17:08:52

Do not say sorry. you haven't done anything that deserves an apology. Say thank you for the offer of the money but you will not accept it with those conditions.
You are not wrong asking him to pay towards his child.
Try to think of ways to find the money some other way. Does DD need to go to a private school? I know its tough moving her to a different school but if you cant afford it you will have to look at other options. I am sure she would make new friends and settle. Could your DP help financially. Or talk to the school and see if they have any way they could help with fees. See if there is a trust locally that would provide some of the fees. We have the old school board trust in our village that you can apply to for money towards educational costs. See if there is anything in your area.
My ex never has paid any regular money towards DD it used to really get to me when I was struggling to pay for everything but I just had to come to terms with it. I expect nothing and can't be bothered to ask for help from him anymore. Also I get that lovely smug feeling that I have supported DD all by myself, no school fees though.

overmydeadbody Wed 14-Oct-09 17:09:29

Better to independantly support yourself and DD than rely on these kinds of financial help.

You may need to start xonsidering taking your DD out of private school.

preciouslillywhite Wed 14-Oct-09 17:10:29

What bogie and overmydeadbody said...

You could maybe do a sort of sneaky Politician's Sorry- ie start "I'm sorry if you feel this way but..."

clam Wed 14-Oct-09 17:13:05

So he's blackmailing you to apologise for making perfectly reasonable requests for moneys owed by your ex for your DD?

Tell him to shove it.
a) it's nothing to do with him and
b) I'd choke myself rather than apologise for something I hadn't done to someone I did not respect. 400 quid or not.

MrsFawlty Wed 14-Oct-09 17:13:48

Tell him to piss off. grin Cheeky old sod.

ScaryFucker Wed 14-Oct-09 17:15:34

I think I would tell 'em to stick the 400 quid where the sun don't shine....

If you do this once, you will be forever begging and debasing yourself for every "scrap" that comes your way from them

I would rather rethink my lifestyle than live like that

Lulumama Wed 14-Oct-09 17:16:09

sp, exFIL thinks you are emotionally abusive for asking DDs father, your ex, to pay for his DDs schooling and asking him if he has a job??

what a twunt

i would not apologise, as it would give them a stick to beat you with.. \oh yes, she's admitted she's in the wrong and apologised' can you imagine the mileage they would get out of it

it is vastly more emotionally abusive to see your child every 6 weeks for a few hours and make it clear by how you behave, that you consider the child an inconvience.

i think you will always be chasing him for moeny and agree that rethinking the prep shcool might be the way to go , you can't spend the whole time clawing the money out of him

halfcut Wed 14-Oct-09 17:18:49

I would tell him to shove it

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 14-Oct-09 17:21:10

Message withdrawn

DuelingFANGo Wed 14-Oct-09 17:22:01

Don't take the money and refuse to have any more contact with your FIL over this. Just don't reply, act like you never got the email. Do all your childcare/visit stuff with your XP and not his dad.

DeFluffMyFanjo Wed 14-Oct-09 17:23:00

Thank you for all your responses.

With regards to the private sschool unfortunately our nearest normal one is failing according to Ofsted. I'd rather not take her out if I dont have to and Im lucky in that my parents are helping towards 'his share' while he is not. Obviously if my parents could not do this then i'd have to rethink and maybe move house.

My DP pays all his wages into our joint pot and in that way is also supporting my dd.

It is so frustrating trying to explain that my ex h needs to see his dd more consistently, he just wont, but if i suggest the adoption im pretty sure he'll say no just to be spiteful.

His dad, ie fil, also said that he'd never pay towards dd's uniform / fees / ballet etc because he was 'ethically opposed' to private school. Which is up to him, but I did want to kill him when he added 'Ethical stances can be inconvenient I'm afraid' patronising git.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 14-Oct-09 17:23:31

Dear fuck-bastard,

how nice of you to offer to pay off your sons court-ordered debt to me. It is unsurprising to me that there are 'conditions' attached to this money.

Please pick a phrase - "chip off the old block", "like father like son" and apply it.

By the way your son is also failing to pay maintenance.

Let me know when your cheque will arrive. I shall be waiting with bated breath.

Innocent "

Tortington Wed 14-Oct-09 17:24:59

i agree with everyone else - do not apologise.

in fact step back and just let them fade away. If he doesn't want to be a parent - don't chase him to be one.

Janos Wed 14-Oct-09 17:28:58

God, it's pretty obvious where your useless ex gets his attitude from, isn't it?

I agree with the others (well the others who have said this ), please please DO NOT apologise to your XFIL.

Also, get CSA onto your ex and DON'T feel bad about it! That's what they are therre for to deal with fuckwits like him so you don't have to.

Oh yeah, and keep a copy of the old gits email so you can use it against him, if need be.

Harimosbroomstick Wed 14-Oct-09 17:30:06

So, your 5YO gets to call your new DP DADDY because she asked to (and presumably, you thought it was OK?)

Sorry, but I think that's a bit unreasonable. I'm a step mum myself and wouldn't ever consider being 'mum' to my DSDs (even though I do alot, parent wise, that a mum would do)

If money is an issue now, then you HAVE to take your child out of private education. If you think prep school at 5YO is expensive, just wait to see what a 15YO will cost you - in fees alone - never mind the extras and trips etc.,

Unless you have (or can get) a court order to make him pay, then (unless you / your family can afford it) your DD is going to have to go to state school.

I'm afraid I think you are being totally unreasonable expecting his family to pay. That your family pay is up to you / them. I appreciate that your DD's father SHOULD want to pay but it's not HIS fathers fault if he doesn't.

Personally, I wouldn't take the £400 (with or without an apology). Funding your DD is up to you and your DD's father. That you get help from your family is, honestly, neither here nor there.

Janos Wed 14-Oct-09 17:31:37

You could btw...reply and ask him if his son is 'ethically opposed' to supporting his child? or perhaps mention that you had to seperate because you are 'ethically opposed' to living with useless men-children like your XH.


DeFluffMyFanjo Wed 14-Oct-09 17:32:34

Oh and sorry forgot to say, I have no intention of apologising, it would stick in my throat.

Thank you for the idea of contacting the school too, I think they may have bursaries available.

Diddl - I know he cant pay if hes not working but he has enough money to go on stag weekends, drink, smoke, have an iphone etc etc and so I think he should prioritise his spending. Also I think he should take any job not just hang out for one he wants.

Janos Wed 14-Oct-09 17:35:55

Harimo, DeFluff has clearly said that this is her DD's choice, which is a bit different to her DP or indeed the OP 'imposing' this.

If the DD wants to, where is the harm? It's not as if she is trying to cut her XH out.

wannaBe Wed 14-Oct-09 17:36:33

don't apologise.

A because he is a twat and doesn't deserve it, and B because if you do he may use it against you - if you email him an apology he could use it against you in the future perhaps..

But tbh I would just resign yourself to the fact that your dd's father does not contribute financially and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Private school is IMO a luxury you can't afford at the moment so I would take her out.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now