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Is it cheating if its only in your head

(25 Posts)
sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 13:14:54

Have been with DH for 6 years, our sex life has gone off the boil a bit in the last year or two. The other night whilst doing the do I found myself thinking about another man. The sex went from average to brilliant and we were both very satisfied but I feel bad because in my head it wasn't my dh I was having sex with it was this other bloke.
Nothing has ever happened with other bloke, he has been a friend for as long as I can remember. Nothing will ever happen with the other man, I wouldn't do that to DH and the kids. But is it wrong if it's just in my head and its staying in my head?

Iklboo Tue 13-Oct-09 13:16:47

No, that's just fantasy

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 13:18:27

Thank you, I felt so bad after I couldn't look him in the eyes and have had a guilty feeling the last 2 days.

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 13:37:53

I think it's incredibly sad if sex is only good when you think of another person, rather than your partner and how much you love them, imho it's doubly worse when it's a person that you know - would it not bother you if your husband told you he was fantasising about a pretty girl he knows just to make sex with you more exciting?
I think it's one thing to be fantasising whilst alone, to be doing it whilst actually having sex with your partner could indicate a problem.
I don't think it's healthy at all, especially when the other partner has no idea what you're really thinking about, the fact that you feel guilty says it all.
Surely you could conjure up some gorgeous fantasy involving your husband?
I've been married for almost 25 years and have never thought about another man during sex.
I think the key is whether he would be upset if you told him.
Monogamy starts in the mind, it would be horrible if the only way you get good sex is when you fantasise about someone else.

Iklboo Tue 13-Oct-09 13:45:21

It is possible he was thinking about someone else too.
The OP was is it cheating if it's in your head, not is it healthy.
So, no, it isn't cheating if it's in your head. It is fantasy.

sinpan Tue 13-Oct-09 13:45:49

Agree with iklboo.

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 14:00:45

It's cheating to me.
My husband says he would be devastated of I was thinking of someone else while we were making love.
I know his fantasy shags and he knows mine but they don't cross over to the bedroom!
There's always a problem when the lines between fantasy and reality become blurred.
If you can't make your sex life better without thinking about other people, it's time to pack it in.
Perhaps I'm odd in that I only fantasise about situations, not people, other than me and my husband?
Role play fantasy can be hugely exciting, eg. master and housemaid, Lady Chatterly style, doctor/fireman/whatever takes your fancy and it's harmless and non-threatening because it involves characters not real people.

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 14:11:58

I would love to be having a good sex life after 25 years, your lucky. I can't suggest dressing up, his idea of dressing up involves some pretty weird stuff that I just can't bring myself to do.
Maybe thats whats wrong, I would like a pretty normal non freaky sex life and he would like some weird rubber gimp mask S&M stuff, I am not into that. Nothing against it just not for me.

dittany Tue 13-Oct-09 14:14:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bramshott Tue 13-Oct-09 14:17:11

No it's not cheating, but it's probably better if you fantasize about an imaginary person or someone you're never likely to meet, than someone you know.

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 14:28:20

I don't even know why he popped into my head, I don't even fancy him, not that he's ugly or anything, he's quite nice looking but I just don't fancy him. I had been chatting to him at the scool that day but only about the school trip.

DH probably does imagine I am someone else, probably one of the freak porn stars on the websites he goes on, before you ask, I don't mind him on the websites, he gets his kick and doesn't ask me to do the stuff he's turned on by on there.

FranklyIDontGiveAMam Tue 13-Oct-09 14:39:36

Nope. Tisn't cheating. It is the behaviour that is cheating not the thoughts.

Personally I wouldn't enjoy sex with my dh if I was thinking about someone else, because it would make me feel odd. Sometimes I imagine we're somewhere that we are not though.

FWIW, there are no rules about what you can think, and it is absolutely nobody's business, not even your DH's. However, it sounds to me like you and your DH have things to sort out anyway.

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 14:39:59

There has to be a compromise somewhere with the dressing up? There are some non-scary bondage type outfits, would he not appreciate the effort if you tried something milder that you could enjoy?
Do you feel that HE is disconnected from you during sex, you mention s&m fetishes on his side, is that the only kind of sex he's interested in?
When props/ outfits become more important than the act itself then there is a big problem and if both parties aren't truly into something "fetishy" then I don't see how it can work, long term.
I must say I can understand your fantasy much more if his sexual preferences disturb you.

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 14:51:51

Ok gonna put his weird stuff out ther and see what you think.

He wants to tie me up, whip me, gag me, bugger me, force it into my throat so I gag and can hardly breath, probably would turn him on if I was sick but he hasn't mentioned that one, be quiet rough and piss on me. Thats what really turns him on, I would go with the being tied up, even let him spank me but he wouldnt stop there.
He is fine that I am not into any of this stuff so we have pretty safe average sex. He doesn't try and force any of this on me, but does tell me about the things he would like and asks if I would do any of them. I say no and so he goes on the net when I go to bed and looks at the fetish sites, I guess he sorts himself out looking at the stuff.

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 15:05:43

OK, that's some very extreme stuff you've mentioned, not really surprised you're not wanting to do it, I wouldn't be either even though I love rough sex, s&m just isn't for me.
If you are happy to let him watch this stuff on the net and he doesn't try and force you into anything then it shouldn't be a problem, but is watching alone going to be enough for him in the long run?
Have you always known about this side of him?

I now think you're absolutely entitled to your private fantasies in this situation - he has at least been honest with you about his feelings and perhaps you can do the same?

I'm not nearly as tolerant as you obviously are and if I knew my husband liked something similar that I hated then I would want him to stop.

anonymous85 Tue 13-Oct-09 15:16:55

Woah that is full on. Piss on you and that hmm He really knows exactly what he wants, looking up the net and all too. I don't know what you should do hey, you don't think he'd go elsewhere to fulfill his indepth fantasy?

I don't think it's that bad about you thinking either, isn't that what guys do when that wank lol Just don't get too carried away and want them a reality I guess.

What are you going to do about his fetishes shock thought that was only on tv, saw it on Nip and Tuck the other night, but roles were reveresed,don't know how the reciever end can get anything out of it looks painful hmm

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 15:17:45

I suppose in every other aspect he's my perfect match, It took a while for the really kinky stuff to come out, it started quite slowly asking me to do things, I went as far as I was happy to go and then said no, he is fine with it, I guess I don't mind him using the porn sites because it means he can get his turn on without me having to do any of this stuff. You don't choose what turns you on, it just does and I understand thats his thing, it doesn't make him a bad person or DH and he is a great dad, provider and friend to me, and I love him. Maybe one day it wont be enough but at the moment he seems ok with it. It could be worse, he could be hiding it all and doing god knows what with god knows who.
I hate that I thought about someone else though, it feels wrong when I love DH so much.

Iklboo Tue 13-Oct-09 15:21:54

The kind of stuff he's into is humiliating, hurting & dehumanising the other person - really quite dominating stuff. Maybe you subconsciously thought of the other guy becuase he may have seemed kind/unassertive when you were speaking to him and it sort of 'popped' into your mind while it was elsewhere when you & DH were having sex?

Iklboo Tue 13-Oct-09 15:22:35

Also - tell him it's your fantasy to iron his balls on 'cotton' setting. See how quickly he agrees to that

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 15:24:34

I suppose he could go looking to live out his fantasies elsewhere, but if it was just for the sex and he had no emotional feelings for the person and used protection, was open and honest with me about it I maybe could let him do it, I don't know we haven't got to that yet. Does that sound weird? I think sex and love are two different things, you have sex, you make love.

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 15:27:20

Thats a bit harsh, he isn't making me do any of these things and doesn't try and pressure me into anything. He would probably do anything I wanted in the bedroom, haven't asked for much, but my fantasies are really tame compared to his so he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

MadameDefarge Tue 13-Oct-09 15:43:15

Ikboo, really! My understanding of good practice BDSM is that it is consensual, hence OPs dh not pushing her to do things she doesn't like. He is entitled to his own sexuality, it doesn't make him a bad person!

It seems like they are accomadating each others sexuality within their marriage. And fwiw, I think the OP should not be worried at all about fantasies from time to time. maybe she could share it with her DH? he might find it a turn on!

Iklboo Tue 13-Oct-09 15:59:44

MNHQ - can we please have an 'I'm joking' emoticon? I really should have used one of the smileys to convey I wasn't being serious and I am sorry it got misconstrued.

No - it doesn't make him a bad person. His fantasy is bondage, whipping, gagging, deep throat penetration etc. That's his bag and so be it

Look, I'm speaking from experience long ago. My ex used to want to do all this stuff. He said he'd do anything I wanted if I did all he wanted. So I said the iron thing and he stopped mentioning wanting to 'rape every hole of me with a pool cue'

NOW - OP's DH is nothing like that.

BUT - when he's watching porn and the internet sites & masturbating (perhaps) he's probaby thinking about someone else. So don't beat yourself up because another bloke popped into your head while most of your conscious self was otherwise engaged.

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 16:13:21

If you can be happy that he's feeding his addiction to this stuff on the net then all credit to you, I couldn't /wouldn't be so accomodating.
I disagree that you can't control what turns you on, he could try NOT watching this stuff for one thing.
I'm glad for you that he is able to have "normal" sex with you, I would still be wondering what was going on in his mind though.
As for letting him live out his fantasies with someone else, I'm speechless! That would mean that his urge for s&m is stronger than his love for you.angry

sarasusie123 Tue 13-Oct-09 16:21:09

Thanks everyone, got alot out there that I wasn't going to share but hey ho. Got to do the kids dinner now. Thanks again.

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