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I think my friend's DH is flirting with me . . .

(27 Posts)
helewele Tue 13-Oct-09 01:57:55

OK . . . background:

I am a lone parent. Friend and I met at a M&T when our DDs were a few months old, now they are preschool. Kept in very regular contact after she returned to work, and met up at the weekends either at her house or mine. Occasionally her DH was about but I found him a bit weird blunt, and tended not to go when I knew he was going to be there.

Almost a year ago, I moved across the way from her (we are the only 2 houses up a long lane in the country) and things have been fine. When I first moved in, he made some rude-ish comments to me (mostly about not working and being on benefits etc) but I brushed them off and continued to avoid have limited contact with him. They are now expecting another baby in a few months

Anyway, to cut a boring long story short, I have been losing some weight over the past few months and he commented on how good I was looking, and last week I had my previously very long hair cut very short which he also commented on (said it really suited me etc and asked if it was to help me find a man to which I replied I wasn't looking) So I met him tonight on the lane up to our houses and he asked when I was going away on hols (without DD) I told him, and he said 'oh haha, out to paint the town red etc' I agreed and had a laugh about no DD so will be having a drink when I'm away, and he suggested I should meet a guy and have a one night thing to 'satisfy any urges' shock I tried to laugh it off, but was feeling quite uncomfortable.

A few hours later, I got a text saying 'I think your new hair is hot looking' from a number I didn't recognise. I've had a few msgs from the same number this week, either blank or with rude jokes in, but didn't think any more of it. I was going to text back something like 'who is this?' but decided to ignore it and see if I could find out who it was. I went through my phone book, and realised it was his number! my friend had given it to me when I was looking after their house when they were on hols, and having never needed it, never put it on my phone. I was shock!!

I don't have many RL friends, certainly no one I could talk to about this, as they all know them, but what would you do?

Just to be clear, I would never ever do anything with this guy, no matter how bad my 'urges'(hmm)were, but I just don't know what to do. Do I text him back saying something like 'I know, your wife thinks so too' or leave it ignored?

All opinions greatly appreciated.

Sorry for the huge post but I am really sadblush

CheerfulYank Tue 13-Oct-09 02:02:13

Ew. Hate guys like that. Yes, I would text him something to do with his wife.

flaminhell Tue 13-Oct-09 02:04:00

You are damned if you do and damned if you dont, say nothing ignore him, if for some reason it comes out just deny you knew it was him, you thought it was a random perv. And dont mention it to him, and if he mentions it, ignore him, you didnt hear him, there is no winner in this situation, so best thing to do is give him no attention and he will soon bugger off.

anonymous85 Tue 13-Oct-09 05:39:31

Oh Jezuz! He shouldn't be doing that!! Maybe just send a text, him not knowing you know now, "I know who you are, backoff". and it will stop the texts.

Your poor friend to have a hubby like that shock what a jerk.

Knickers0nMaHead Tue 13-Oct-09 06:11:29

Sorry but reading that, it just looks to me that he is trying overly hard to be friendly with you. But, you feel uncomfortable with his comments so just tell him so.

totallyawesome Tue 13-Oct-09 07:15:14

I've had a similar thing happen to me when I was single. Friend's hubby used to ring me just as she left for church on a Sunday hmm. As flaminhell said, there are no winners. Best to ignore. It will go away eventually. If you say something it might prompt him to say something to your friend that will sour the friendship with her.

MmeGoblindt Tue 13-Oct-09 07:20:53

I think that you have to send a text that shows in no uncertain terms that you are not at all interested.

What if his wife checks his phone and sees his messages to you? Do you think that she would believe you that it was one sided?

I would not risk it.

Something alone the lines of "I am not interested in you. Stop the suggestive remarks and never text me again"

Don't worry about sparing his feelings, he is not particularly worried about yours.

Tambajam Tue 13-Oct-09 07:22:01

I would ignore it.

scroobiuspirate Tue 13-Oct-09 07:31:55

what mmegoblindt said, but I would simplyfy further, in case your friend ever saw it.

ie - I don't know who this is (check)
would you please stop texting me (check).

then you have said nothing about interest/fancying/being hot or attractive.

saying you look 'really ho't is not just someone being jokey friendly or trying to 'make freinds'. If he was your friend then maybe, but you have had nothing to do with him.

abedelia Tue 13-Oct-09 10:52:53

As scroobius, but with the line... 'because I find it really creepy'.

That should make him suitably ashamed. Honestly, some men just think single women are there for the picking, like they have no standards! Personally I think my single mum friends are single because they are not prepared to put up with as much crap as I do, and good on them!!

Avendesora Tue 13-Oct-09 11:13:38

I would tell his wife that you have been getting horrid pervy texts, and ask if she has had any. Do it when he is there, and when you have deleted them from your phone so neither can check the number. Make sure you sound repulsed That should stop it!

helewele Tue 13-Oct-09 11:14:58

Thanks for all the replies - I wasn't sure if I was just imagining it, or I was right to be worried :D

Also, his father has been having an affair with the same woman for about 20 odd years, so I worry that he thinks it is acceptable behaviour! And abedelia, I think you are right about the thinking single women have no standards - he looked very perplexed when I said I wasn't looking for a man (as if it pained him to think that some women don't actually need a man around to function).

I do feel sorry for my friend as he is a dick, for many many reasons, but I wouldn't tell her that, and would hate to lose her friendship over him.

dingdong3 Tue 13-Oct-09 11:30:42

I would definitely ignore - do not communicate with him in any kind of way, unless you happen to meet him with your friend and have to be civil.

I had a similar experience with a work colleague and when I replied to tell him to back off, it seemed to give him a real kick-almost like I was teasing him. I realise now that if you ignore these 'players' they soon move on but if you engage with them at all, even in a 'keep away from me' way, you give them the rush - almost like you're making the chase even harder for them. It's all about the thrill of the chase.

I got a few further texts that I deleted (with some difficulty- I was so keen to reply and tell him to f-off!) and he then got bored with me...thankfully!

Difficult situation for you - but you sound like a level headed person so will get through it ok.

helewele Tue 13-Oct-09 11:45:25

just had a very evil thought grin

Maybe I should text him and say 'sorry XX, but I'm actually more interested in sleeping with your wife'

not actually true (although if I had to choose . . ), but would make him shock and I wonder if he would ever mention it to me or her . . .

not going to do it btw, just quietly laughing about it in my head blush

cestlavielife Tue 13-Oct-09 11:55:15

don't reply. ignore.

if you text back - whatever you text - it engages him into conversation and he thinks is a chase.

at some point he will say that you started something with him...

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Tue 13-Oct-09 12:16:57

scroob's suggestion:

don't know who this is (check)
would you please stop texting me (check).

is the best one.

If you let him know you know he fancies you and reject him, his damaged ego might spurr him on to make up a story to his wife, perhaps saying it was the other way around. Just the fact that the two of you had a conversation about sexual attraction "behind her back", and it was him that went to her about it first, and he is her husband, will probably make her trust him rather than you. The fact that you are alone (you said not many RL friends), and stuck opposite them, you need to protect yourself from this outcome.

Perhaps go as far as, if you see him again when he is with his wife, saying something like "I'm getting horrible rude texts from someone, I don't know who he is, but clearly he's a wanker – why do some men think that all single women are gagging for it and would even sleep with someone from the bottom of the food chain that thinks messages like that are sexy??!" or some such, to embarrass him into stopping, but without him thinking you know it's him?

Janos Tue 13-Oct-09 12:43:56

What a sleazebag! Poor you having to deal with this, and his poor wife.

I agree with scroobius' excellent suggestion.

Also, if he persists in this unwelcome contact after you have told him to stop then mention you will contact the police if he doesn't.

I've had to use this on overly persistent men before. The sortw ho will not take 'no; for an answer. If he has any common sense that will stop him in his tracks.

Only say that if you are prepared to follow through, though.

Janos Tue 13-Oct-09 12:46:58

I know some folk will think that calling the police sounds like an over-reaction, and hopefully he will just leave you alone...just be aware it's an option!

ScaryFucker Tue 13-Oct-09 19:11:24

don't text back

next time you see him on the lane, tell him you are not interested, you find his attentions unwelcome and it it persists you will have no alternative but to tell his wife

dontouchTHEMUMMYSpecialjuice Tue 13-Oct-09 19:50:56

dont text back. another who thinks he may think its a "game" ... and your playing hard to get.. or he wants the chase... could end up making his contact more lewd and more frequent

Janos Wed 14-Oct-09 19:02:35

I do see where the don't texters are coming from, (don't encourage contact at all) but just offering some perspective here on why I think saying 'no' assertively is a good idea.

I've had a similar experience. I got endless texts from an over keen bloke. They were nothing 'nasty' like you've had, OP, just constant unwanted contact which started off just being annoying and then became more and more upsetting. Anyway. Me not responding had no effect. I started freaking out when he sent several texts in the middle of the night saying 'I want to come and see you NOW, where do you live?'

Anyway after much thought I told him not to contact me again and said I would contact the police if he did. Would have done too, fortunately that stopped him though.

overmydeadbody Wed 14-Oct-09 19:06:01

Ignore it unless it escalates further and then just let him know how disguted you are and that he should be paying those compliments to his wife, not you.

overmydeadbody Wed 14-Oct-09 19:08:49

Janos I had almost exaclty the same thing happen to me. After about the fifth text message sent at 3am in the morning I replied with something harsh about never contacting me again or I would report him to the police for harrasment. I haven't heard from him sinsce.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 14-Oct-09 19:24:38

Avendesora's idea is a good one, to mention it conversationally to your friend in presence of her H that you've received creepy texts from an unknown phone number. Stress that you find it creepy. I'd suggest along the lines of :

"Well what sort of pondlife does that? I've just deleted them so far, but you know, I think I'll pass it on to the police if I get another one, you read about these weirdo stalker types, better safe than sorry."

I also disagree with texting him to back off - in some weirdo's eyes, that constitutes a 'relationship' fgs.

sherby Wed 14-Oct-09 19:31:28

DOn't mention him fancying you or anything. All it takes is him going to his wife, OMG all I did was text x to tell her her hair looks nice and she thinks I FANCY her. Then you are the one in the wrong in her eyes.

I would just text, sorry I don't know who this is, stop texting me, it is weird and creepy

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