Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I think im starting to go a bit "odd"(19 Posts)
Sounds like you've had a really hard few months, your ex sounds like a real charmer.
It's completely understandable that you feel worn down by everything you've been coping with. Do you talk to anyone in RL about how you feel?
i haven't been where you are relationship-wise, so i hope my perspective is still valid, because i totally understand where you're coming from with the eating thing.
i do it too, at times of stress, because i can, because it's a form of control, of measurable progress, because in our society it's hard-wired into us to think thinner=better, and ultimately because it's self-harm by stealth. do you have a long history of eating problems?
one thing to be aware of is the impact that starvation can have on your mood, it can be quite dramatic and it can send you a bit loopy, so you start out being in control and surprisingly rapidly your behaviour can control you. do you have good friends you can talk to? family support? any contact with your gp?
How awful for you Slimbo. You will find some far more useful people than me on here, but I really feel for you.
Have a read of some of the threads on here about Narcisisstic Personality Disorder. So much of what you are saying recalls them - his long memory for all the things you did "wrong", his perception that you "stopped him doing things", his mind games, and the PTSD-like feelings you are sadly having to go through now.
I'm sure some of those posters will be along shortly with some great advice. As a longtime lurker all I can say is - it's not you, it's him. Honestly, it really is. You are so well shot of him.
Hang in there.
There's only one person who sounds like a loon in this situation and it aint you .
I guess that those who know you well would not expect you to be over things so quickly, the hurt is twofold, he has let you down as a partner and your child down as a father. However, I see why it's hard to open up to others, especially when you're giving an impression of coping so well.
How old is your DC? Do you have a good health visitor/GP?
yep i'm doing exactly the same at the moment so i can't really advise, although i can empathise. for me it's a way of coping with overpowering feelings, a project if you like, when i don't have the time/energy to throw myself into a positive project. i see it as a step up from drug/alcohol use, but i have to be more honest about the way it impacts negatively on my mood, as well as my general health. do you have any weight to spare? can you afford to lose any more?
speaking for myself it is a form of self harm - is that how you see it?
who is it that's aware of the weigh issue/history - family/friends? how is your relationship with them?
The life you thought you had exploded in your face just a few months ago, you have the unknown future hanging over you - what sort of people would think "you should be over it by now"? Only a f*ckwit would think that!
I can relate to the eating thing. When I split from a partner, I dropped from a 16/18 to a 10/12 in about 3-4 months, by careful calorie counting and using a food diary (and a little obsessive behaviour). As you yourself realise and as I came to realise later, it seemed that the only thing I could control was what went in my mouth, so I controlled it. It made me feel better about myself in many ways - yes, I started to look better, but that wasn't it. It gave me a sense of control. It distracted me from disturbing thoughts by focusing my thoughts on my diet - if I'm thinking "calories" I can't be thinking "woe is me". It was quite calming. It was, like yours, not anorexia. I'm not sure how I stopped - partly because I had lost "enough" (had returned to a previous preferred weight), partly because I had more control over the rest of my life by then I suppose.
You are aware of what you are doing and why. You are using food-control to anaesthetise yourself, to take the edge off the pain. Some people use drink and drugs, or excessive PC-use, or even excessive exercise. As long as you ensure you do not go too far, is it really a problem?
Your problem is that your ex has made you feel worthless. You are not worthless, but from the examples you have supplied, your ex is. Do not let him mess with your mind. Keep reminding yourself of how bloody "odd" he is! And get practical legal help re the future. Perhaps taking control of that aspect will allow you to ease up on the food control, thus reassuring you that you're not starting to go a bit "odd".
First of all I would like to say that I know nothing about eating disorders. But I do understand your need for control.
You sound as though you have a bit of PTSD going on here. Your vindictive and nasty ex sounds as though he is projecting onto you all his own shortcomings . Being nasty to your partner when you have someone else is a classic ploy .
Can you go to your GP at all?
I know the feeling of thinking you are a bit odd. I think that is something that we can all feel when we have been through really awful times. Your ex sounds like a very nasty person, and your reaction is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
It is true that narcissists store up everything you have ever said to use against you at a later date. My ex once, in the middle of an argument, went to a drawer in his office and came back with a little notebook in which he had written things I had said from up to twenty years earlier, to prove to me that I had now said something different!!!!
So I was never allowed to change my mind or say something in the heat of an argument that I may not really have meant!!! Ironic from the master of mind-changing for spite.
Anyway....it sounds to me as though you need to treat yourself kindly, and not expect too much of yourself. It is very early days for you after such an experience.
Can you try to limit your contact with your ex?
You sound like a lovely person who has had a terrible time. Do you have family around you, and friends?
It is a huge cliche, but time really is the great healer.
who are they going to take more seriously? your ex who left you and dd for another woman or (his ex) you who have continued to care for your dd while he doesn't see her (presumably through choice?). i'm no expert but i find it hard to credit that they could use information from your gp (which is confidential, no?) against you in any custody case (and it sounds to me as though your ex-h is far too self-absorbed and childish to want the responsibilities custody entails).
i understand what you say about a switch, and my suggestion is that it could be within your power to flick the switch back. to take control over your feelings about the relationship and its breakup.
are you on any waiting lists for counselling re the pnd? you say "coupled with it all being my fault", which none of us on the thread can see from your account. might you be able to go to relate to tease out the realities of your relationship from the warped perspective ex-h has presented to you?
but the immediate question is where you go from here with your eating - you say you no longer have spare weight. so any further weight loss would be nothing but detrimental to your health. please think about the effects of not eating enough (starvation) on your mood, and how that effects on your ability to care for your dd.
breaking out of a spiral of low mood and self-destructive behaviour is fucking hard - i can't do it - but you sound to me like a much stronger woman and i reckon you probably can.
your ex sounds just like my best friend's ex, really twisting things, completely irrational and self-centred. listening to him (or reading his emails) was just like being in Alice in Wonderland, with the Red Queen mouthing off.
One thing I often said to my best friend during the worst of it was - what would you think if my DH said that to me? or about me? That often gave her the distance she needed to stop blaming herself. The reality is that no-one (esp. not your child) deserves this kind of crap.
I hope after reading all these messages of support online, you can feel more able to talk to people around you (as well as continue to talk online) and get the support you deserve for you and your daughter.
I think MWFF is really right about a) that GP, other officials such as the police will know the score about men like your DH, and not be blaming you - in fact, probably will see you as being the grown-up in this situation for asking for help b) lack of food can really exacerbate low mood. Would it help you to eat, and then exercise? two mood enhancers at once! I feel better for a bit more walking.
Take care of yourself - and good luck to you - and keep MN-ing, if it helps to try ideas out before taking it to RL.
if it helps, my BF is doing loads better now, and married a lovely new man who is worthy of her earlier this year. things can change - don't forget that - and things will change quickly for you without your ex-p.
I think the most important thought to hold on to, all the time, is that YOUR XP IS AN ABUSIVE SHITBAG. It is very unlikely that he will be able to get custody of your DD, police and courts etc know all the ploys of abusive men and how they like to start legal actions purely to distress their former partners (one of the most commong tricks in the abuser's repertoire is 'I'll take the children away from you, throw you penniless into the street and then they'll lock you up for being mental because I SAY SO - it's all bullshit).
You poor girl, what a horrid time you are having. DO consider contacting WOmen's Aid or another help group for people who have been abused by partners, it will help.
You're not odd at all, you've just been conditioned to think that way so he retains control over you. These men are toxic and the psychological harm they do is untold. I don't understand how they can continue to be so unnecessarily cruel to people who have cared for them, but then, thankfully most of us don't have NPD so their way of thinking is alien to us.
My soon to be xh used to constantly bleat about things I'd prevented him from doing. "I want to" and "I'm happy" (said in a whingey tone when I tried to ask him to see my point of view) are really familiar.
I understand the weight loss aspect too. Wanting some kind of control in a situation where he's had full control of you has to be an understandable reaction to all of this. I hope you can talk to a good friend or family member and get some help. Are you having counselling, you can be referred on the NHS if money is an issue.
good for you Slimbo, and thanks for letting us know how its going - you've been in my thoughts.
one thing that might help (it helps me) is that for your DS to be on good form, you need to be on good form to take care of her. That is often a way I have of putting demands on my time/hassles into perspective so I can make clear decisions. also to remind myself to take care of myself a bit better, and it isn't selfish not to be at someone's beck and call.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.