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How do I stay friends with them both?

(7 Posts)
GrandhighBOOba Sun 11-Oct-09 17:52:46

Some advice needed!

My best friend(male) has split from his partner, who is also a close friend. They are both Godparents to my DS. Its very accrimonious, and, privately, i don't think that the female friend has behaved at all well. They both have fairly serious mental health issues, and he is coping extremely badly with the split and has been suicidal at times. He doesn't have anyone except me and my DH with whom he can talk about his problems, and we have given him lots of advice about gaining access to his DS, and about coping with his change in circumstances.

My problem is, I want to try to stay friends with his ex - she is my Ds's Godmother and a good friend, even though I don't agree with how she has behaved. We have texted each other a couple of times since the split, but not met up. So how do I manage this? I can't advise them both, and I can't talk to her about the split without betraying my other friend's confidence, but our friendship will be hugely superficial if we can't talk about what's going on in her life - we always talked about things like this before. If it comes to it, I would always choose the male friend over her, but I don't want be in that position if I can help it.

So, can it be done? How?

DawnAS Sun 11-Oct-09 19:40:36

OK, been in a very similar situation myself.

BF was with her DP for 14 years, from the age of 16 (her age). They got married and even though they did, I knew that there was something going on with her. She was a really good friend and some things that she would say in conversation roused my suspicions.

I then met my, now DH, who was very good friends with my BF DH (still with me?! wink).

Not long into our relationship, I found out that my BF was indeed having an affair and she left her DH. They'd only been married about 3 months. I didn't agree with what she did at all, but I listened to her and was there for her.

Her ex-DH was not in touch with me or my DH for a while after the split, but after a couple of months, we invited him over for dinner to see how he was doing. I had remained in contact with my BF but didn't talk about her at all when the guy was with us. He didn't mention it either, but if he had have done, I would have told him that I didn't agree with what she did, but wouldn't have slated her.

So I guess what I'm saying is that both of your friends need to understand the position that you're in. Hopefully they already do and won't make you choose.

As it is, my BF ex is now engaged to another nice girl so things have worked out well. Although we don't see much of either of them now, but that's just because we have busy lives and a new baby, no other reason than that!

Sorry about the waffle, HTH!! xx

FABIsInTraining Sun 11-Oct-09 19:43:53

I think you can still be friends with them both, and still advise them both tbh, without passing on anything that has been said. If you feel you can't advise them without prejudice then you might have to make a choice.

I am just thinking about a couple I know and I am friends with them both. I would side with her purely as I have known her longer.

skidoodle Sun 11-Oct-09 19:48:46

If she's treated him really badly then I think your loyalty should be to him and not to yourself and your friendship with a person who has treated him really badly.

You call him your best friend. I think that means you should be there for him through the break up and let your friendship with her take a back seat until things have settled down a bit.

You might not be able to stay friends with them both. That's life.

GrandhighBOOba Sun 11-Oct-09 20:02:09

Yeah skidoodle I think thats how its going to be. I have let her take the backseat, I was just wondering how to pick things up with her in the longterm. As much for my DS, because I don't want him to lose his Godmother sadIf I have to choose, it will be him.

FAB problem is, I don't want to advise them both as it may all end in a custody battle. I can't give him advice in how to word access requests and then give her advice how to counter them IYSWIM

DawnAS, problem is, his mental health is so poor right now, I can't expect him to understand my position - he needs our help to even understand his own right now.

Thanks for all the advice

FABIsInTraining Sun 11-Oct-09 20:22:13

Oh, I see. Difficult.

Who needs you most and who do you still want in your address book in 10 years time?

GrandhighBOOba Mon 12-Oct-09 08:06:21

Him, definatly.

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